Because the post is going to be incredibly long, and I apologize in advance for that. Like most people who probably find their way to this site, I have a lot on my mind and a lot of frustration and confusion to let out of my heart at the moment, and I literally can not talk to anybody about it so this is my release. I'm writing it here instead of to the parties involved, because that always ends poorly. So where do I begin? I guess the beginning would be good.
Six years ago I met the girl of my dreams at work(I will call her B), but I was in a relationship at the time. I was 19 and she was 17 about to graduate high school. Long story short, my current gf cheated on me with my best friend so that relationship came to an abrupt stop and I was single. There was B, she was complete polar opposites then my last girlfriend, not controlling, not jealous, very fun to hang out with and hilarious, a real simple girl that can be just as classy drinking beer as if she was drinking wine. I asked her out immediately and we started dating. We dated for 1 1/2 years and in the end I informally proposed. I told her my intentions, which at the time consisted of going into business with my father and expanding the operation in a different location and having her move with me shortly after graduation. She agreed and seemed ecstatic about it. I was shopping for a ring and I guess she changed her mind. She started to distance herself emotionally, and I made the mistake of trying to draw her back in, which in turn pushed her farther away. We ended up seperating. At first it was a mutual thing, but after a few weeks I knew I didnt want to go through life without her. It was too late, her mind was made up.
Every relationship I have had since has always fallen short, and I can't seem to stop missing B. I completely cut her out of my life because I knew it was the only hope I had to move on, deleted her from facebook, removed her number from my phone, didn't do so much as to even mention her name for 3 years. We randomly started talking after her brother passed away 2 years ago and I invited her to be my date at 2 weddings. The first wedding was a blast and we had a great time, the second wedding I went to get her a drink and came back and met her on the dance floor and caught a glimpse of her phone texting some guy saying she couldnt wait to come hang out with him. I ignored her calls and texts for a week before finally asking her to meet up and telling her that I couldn't handle sitting there watching her date other guys. We didnt talk again for a long time.
Along came the girl I managed to stay with the longest after B (I will call her S). We dated for over a year and like B's predecessor, she was polar opposites from B. She was deep and wore her emotions on her sleeve, where as B had a troubled childhood and is way more emotionally reserved. She wanted me and wasn't afraid to show it every day. Admittedly, it was a nice change after never knowing what B was thinking while we dated. Last November, I purchased a new vehicle and my best friend and I always were working on cars together. Shortly after I got the vehicle, I bought a few new parts for it and drove down to my best friends house to do the install. [Brief sidenote: B and I played matchmaker with her best friend and my best friend and now they are engaged and have a house together.] Come to find out, B was living with my friend and his fiance due to getting screwed by her previous roommate. We had a great weekend, laughed the whole time, and all kinds of feelings came rushing back. Things weren't the same with S and she could sense it. She knew about B and how that flame was still burning deep down inside. We made it another 4 months before the shit hit the fan. I wanted to try to pursue something with B again. I justified it ending the relationship to myself by saying "you only live once, go for true love."
So heres the current situation and a slight summary: B and I are talking regularly, but I have never been able to read her signals like other girls I meet/have dated. She tells me she still cares about me a lot and I believe her, but I don't know what those feelings mean. She constantly complains on facebook about being nearly 24 and single (in the south these crazy people are married by like 19, its the norm), yet when we hang out she seems really happy with me, but stand-off'ish at the same like, like as to not send a relationship vibe? For example, the four of us got a beach condo for 4th of July weekend (me, B, my friend and his fiance). Although we slept in the same bed all 3 nights, it seemed to me that any chance I got to be close to her, like sitting on the couch watching a movie, she seemed skittish. I really tried my best not to be pushy, as to not push her away. I discovered this weekend why I like her so much compared to every other girl I've ever dated. Every other girl seems to be so open and forthcoming with their emotions, I can read them like an open book. B makes me question everything about myself, it's like a fresh adventure with her everytime we hang out because I can't read her, but it can be frustrating too and I wish I wasn't attracted to that quality.
Now it's put me in the predicament I am in. S was crushed when we broke up, I feel like I am to her how B is to me, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. S is the type of girl who I know loves and cares about me, would do anything for me and has done a lot for me. She helped me find a place to live recently when I was working too much to look on my own. B is a game of Clue, and I don't know if I can solve the riddle. S wants me to cut B out of my life and try things again with her, my heart clearly wants B but my rational head is asking why?
Do I choose to follow my heart and risk getting crushed (again) and end up alone, or take the safe road and go with the girl who I know wants me?
P.S. Reason I said I couldn't talk to anybody about this is, my mother and sister are major girly girls, into beauty pageants, the works. Since B was more of a "one of the guys" personality, they weren't close like my other gf's and my mother. My parents don't care for B very much, so talking to them is ackward and my mother loves S because she is a girly girl and I feel like that's biased. Talking to B directly I'm afraid will scare her and push her away, so I'm holding off on the emotional talk as long as I can. Because my best friend is engaged to B's best friend, I know he feels like I throw him in the middle everytime I bring it up, so I'm stuck and I'm here asking for help.
P.S.S. Incase you couldn't tell, my mind is working a million miles an hour right now about 25 things, I'm sure I'll add more to this later as it comes to me.
