A fear of feeling - Long read
Hey girls
I'll give you a bit of back story of me, so you might be able to relate to my problem a bit better. This will be quite long, so if you skim through it, I won't hold it against you ;)
When I was younger, about 17 years old I think, I was your average guy. Well maybe a bit larger, 2 meters, and 130 kg's worth of guy. I was the guy who would think he loved every girl he was attracted to, and act like a insecure jackass because of it. As you can imagine I was a real hit with the ladies, and been the observant guy that I am, I took notice. The funny thing is, I really liked the idea of love, of having someone who would always bring out the best in me, and the other way around. Yet I had never really experienced it at this point. Maybe I was girly, but I loved the idea of love if that makes any sense. I always felt off, and I needed to change it. I don't really remember how, but I stumbled upon psychology around that time, and found that despite thinking I knew what it was, I really didn't.
I took a year off, like literally spent a whole year at home, seeing a friend maybe once every second work. In that time I read about psychology, I watched seminar records about it, and I spent countless hours’ implementing what I read and learned. One of the most immediate changes was that I went from 130 kg's to about what I am now, which 90 kg's. This is without even trying. Simply understanding why I was eating, and how to actually be observant about it, turned this thing about weight, something I had given up changing long ago, into a cake walk. I got quite skinny, so I started working out. Again from when I started I never stopped, I never compromised, and I loved doing it.
But beyond physically changing, my personality changed as well. I was disciplined about everything. My mother, whom I never liked, and whom despite loving me, never liked me either. I starting seeing and understanding her REAL problems, and not the superficial ones she always complained about, and that understanding made me able to start telling her what see needed to hear, and encourage her the way she needed be encouraged. Needless to say our relationship started working out a lot better. Changing one self, to become better, was not just fulfilling, it felt like what it was really all about. I decided that it should be my life’s goal, to be the best that I could. Not necessary about being rich, but being happy with myself, and to be able to say and mean when I die, that I did everything I wanted, and that I was content with my experience of life.
I started back in school around my 18th birthday, and that’s when I got back out there, around people. Unlike the year, and years before, I never felt threaten, or afraid like I use to. I didn't feel every stare from a girl or smile was hidden laughter. I now knew what all the little things in the social game meant, and while it probably wasn't a perfect 6th sense, it was accurate enough to make me popular, a natural leader. Thus first 8 months was the best time in my life. I was friends with everyone, and everyone look to me for advice and help. Girls were crushing on me now, sometimes girls I didn't even know. It felt GREAT.
However while all these people clearly liked me, I felt nothing for them. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I secretly felt better than them. I guess that’s why I never loved the girls who were always trying to get my approval now; however I never exploited them either. I never slept with a girl if I knew she was in love with me, at least thought she was.
Now I finally got everything I wanted, except love. The one thing I wanted more than all the rest, and now it felt as if the change I made in myself, had made me either incapable of loving, or made me have an unrealistically high standard.
...
Until I met “her” of course (yea, you knew this one was coming). She was... well she was beautiful, which is a word I don't use very often, and is a word I consider a description of a person as whole, not the exterior. She was pretty, she was funny, she cute, she was caring, she was... everything. She wrote be every day, texting, facebooking, everything. Not one note was sent between us which wasn't flirty. I feel silly writing this, but she had a smile that would make me feel sooo weak, yet at the same time so strong, so happy, and I never got use to it. Though I now know why, it still amazes me, I kept trying my hardest to just be friends with her. My buddies kept telling me I should do something, as the girl was obviously crazy about me, but I always had an excuse for why I shouldn't. Looking back I can see how that was exactly what I looked down upon others for doing (making excuses). I know it was because I was afraid, something I hadn't been for a long time now, and didn't know how to handle. We partied a lot, and when we did, we were always talking, and hanging around each other. I would always get her drunken butt safely home, for which the parents, even the dad, loved me. I guess I thought too much of myself. I thought that I had all the time in the world to make a move on her. That she would keep on being in love with me, despite my obvious avoidance on the matter. I thought it was too risky right now, that getting into that sort of relationship could unbalance me, make me fall back on my old ways.
Over a few months, she seemed to start accepting my act of just wanting to be friends. I thought I had managed it well, that I was over her, and that I could finally be glad to just have a friend I actually cared for. And then at this party, she brings a friend with her. I had heard about this guy. He was a gymnast, and apparently that really bothered me. The past week she had been talking about him, telling me little things about him, vague things mostly, which of course really meant she was attracted to him. I felt conflicted about it, but I kind of lied to myself about that. Anyway the evening goes on as usual, drinking, dancing, talking, you know your average party. My and my brother had just been out talking about a girl he liked, cheering for his success with her, when we come in, and I see her.. kissing the guy she brought with her.. Wauw.. I got to say it was like a hammer hitting me right in the chest, while having a truck thrown on my shoulders. I manage to hide my feelings on the matter, but it really hurt. I decided to get completely shitfaced, I guess to try and feel better. Needless to say that only made it harder to hide my feelings, and the day after people kept asked me what I was so angry about. She even asked if it was her, which I think she knew that it was, but I lied and told it wasn't. That was also the first time I lied for my own sake, sense I was 17.
They hooked up a few days later, and from then on it all came apart. I would get shitfaced every time I was at a party. I would keep trying to find ways to tell her, but every time it became this vague thing. It was really pathetic. I'm surprised she even wanted to be friends with me with my newfound attitude. But it hurt to see her, to hear from her. The smile that once made me want to give her the world.. well.. it still did, and the hurt I felt knowing she didn't feel the same way was indescribable. The fact that I knew this would happen, and that I knew that all I had had to do was be courageous and actually make a move on her, made it even worse. It was my mistake, my fault. I had brought this feeling on myself.
We kept on being friends, until I finally managed to stop answering her, and stop letting hope deceive me into believe I still had a chance.
I spent from the age of 19 to 20 degenerating. All the understand I got from my psychology reading, I now use to manipulate myself, and others. I exploited girls, and mess with their feelings. Whenever I started to like someone, or suspect I might end up liking them, I cut them off. I stopped being unhealthy in general. I tried picking myself up, but I relapsed every time after a few weeks.
Only recently did I start feeling like myself again. Having started eating healthy, stopped drinking 3 days a week, stopped exploiting girls, and I started to feel like getting back up. I feel that it’s pathetic it took me this long to get over her, but past is past. I still avoid getting attached to others, especially girls though. Also I still hear from her every so often. Trying to act like things use to be, telling me she misses me, and that we should hang out. Every time she does though, reminds me I still love her, even though I don't even know her anymore, and every time I am tempted to agree.. But of course I don't
So finally we got to the end, and my thus question. How do I let myself love again, knowing that even if I find it and this time man up. This whole ordeal is what it could result in. I simply can't do it again.
Also do you think it will help me to get completely over her, if I see her again, or do you think it would make things worse?
As english isn't my native language, please feel free to ask about anything that might not be clearly explained.
