Is he cheating? Help.

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13-07-11, 12:13 AM
SoCrazyinLove

Is he cheating? Help.

My boyfriend & I have been together for two years and I am 8 months pregnant with a boy due in August. We both are the type of person that believes trust is something earned. Within the two years we've been together I can honestly say he is the first man I have actually trusted to remain faithful & never cheat on me or betray me. I have earned his trust also.
Recently he hasn't come home after work and stays out pretty late to the point where when he does get home he has to go straight to bed. Usually it's because him and his co workers go golfing or to his bosses house and have a couple beers but sometimes he doesn't even tell me where he was & I don't want to seem clingy so I don't ask. I haven't been worried that hes doing something bad until...the other day, I was using his cell phone while he was in the shower (since my cell broke we kind of share his so this wasn't weird of me to have it) although instead of just texting my friend I did look through his inbox purely out of curiousity. I read some text's back and forth from his friend Ryan the night before that went a little like this:
At 5pm:
Ryan: what are you about to do tonight?
My Boyfriend: about to go to this party you wanna go?
Ryan: With who?
My BF: Julie and me
Ryan: Oh I'm telling your baby mom lol
My BF: No, no bitches allowed
Ryan: Then Julie can't come
My BF: Shes not a bitch shes my bitch
Ryan: lol who's party is it?
My BF: I don't know
Ryan: you gotta know who's party it is
My BF: ask phil if he wants to go when he gets out of work

(A couple more texts go back and forth and my bf is reluctant to tell him who's party it is even though he asked Ryan to go, they text later that night)

10 pm:
My BF: So does phil want to go?
Ryan: I'll ask him when he picks me up

No more texts to Ryan after that and I know he didn't go to the party because he was with me that whole day and night. But he did say "HM" outloud while texting that night and i got a funny feeling from it but brushed it off. When I read those texts my heart sank, who was Julie?
My boyfriend acts different around Ryan. Ryan makes it seem cool to f*ck as many girls as possible (and call them bitches), my bf, not so much but he trys to fit in and stay cool. For some reason right after I read it though I didn't believe it, I know my bf really well and the fact that he wouldn't even say who's party it was and didn't really seem sincere about going made me think it was a lie.
So far this summer all my bf has done is worked and stayed at home with me since I'm very pregnant and can't do much, when he hangs out with Ryan & Phil I know they talk about alll the parties they go to and all the girls they have sex with. I even bet Ryan has asked him, "you really only been f*cking Maggie (me) for two years? & you got a baby on the way, you're stuck with her now" So maybe I'm in denial that he is possibly cheating and definitely hanging out with some other girl but I got the feeling it was all a show so he could seem cool to the guys even though really he is faithful.

What do you think? What should I do? I want to confront him about it but I don't want to admit I snooped through his cell phone. I also heard not to accuse your significant other of cheating without proof, a plan, and a purpose. I don't have proof other than what I read which isn't legit proof, I don't really have a plan I just want to know, and my purpose is because I can't take getting my heart broken again. I've been cheated on by someone I loved before but the fact that I actually trust him... if I find out hes cheating on me, when I'm pregnant, I don't know what I will do. Help.
13-07-11, 12:29 AM
Wakeup

Seriously (if you're not another troll) You're not going to leave him anyway so what's the point of finding anything out? Just ignore the text and pretend you're a happy couple who will be spending the rest of your lives together in codependent bliss.
13-07-11, 12:33 AM
girl68

I personally would have to know... I'd also admit to snooping. I would also want to be invited out more, need to know where he is after work hours. To me going out and without any notice or explanation isn't something you do in relationships. "Knowing" isn't being clingy. Demanding, being crazy and calling all the time is clingy.
13-07-11, 12:44 AM
Wakeup

Personally I think anyone with the ability to be independent and self sufficient and who had a decent sense of self worth would want to know because if he is cheating, we'd leave him or insist on marriage counceling to try to make it work. Obviousely OP is not going to leave him or do anything other than "wonder" she would have left him by now if she was serious with her question.. It's totally obvious what's going on.

Besides Op totally contradicts herself that's why I think its a troll: e.g.

Quote:

have earned his trust also.
Recently he hasn't come home after work and stays out pretty late to the point where when he does get home he has to go straight to bed.

then this:

Quote:

So far this summer all my bf has done is worked and stayed at home with me since I'm very pregnant and can't do much,

So which one is it?
13-07-11, 03:45 AM
SoCrazyinLove

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Personally I think anyone with the ability to be independent and self sufficient and who had a decent sense of self worth would want to know because if he is cheating, we'd leave him or insist on marriage counceling to try to make it work. Obviousely OP is not going to leave him or do anything other than "wonder" she would have left him by now if she was serious with her question.. It's totally obvious what's going on.

Besides Op totally contradicts herself that's why I think its a troll: e.g. then this: So which one is it?

First of all what do you mean by "troll"? I'm not ugly if that's what you're getting at..., I'm not concided either but I'm definitely a pretty girl. Of course I'm not going to leave him when I don't even know for sure if hes cheating, if I find out for sure that he ia well than that's another story. & about the contradicting, he doesn't go out every night after work but when he does, lately, he hasn't been telling me what he was doing like he usually would & when he isn't working he is at home with me. Make sense?
13-07-11, 03:50 AM
SoCrazyinLove

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I personally would have to know... I'd also admit to snooping. I would also want to be invited out more, need to know where he is after work hours. To me going out and without any notice or explanation isn't something you do in relationships. "Knowing" isn't being clingy. Demanding, being crazy and calling all the time is clingy.

I hear you, me asking where he has been wouldn't be clingy but after a while of him always saying "drinking with the boss or hanging out with my friend so and so" I feel like that's probably the response I'll always get, if hes secretly hanging out with some other girl I doubt he'd tell me. I just don't know where to go from here, I want to just admit that I read the texts because he won't be able to come up with a lie on the spot, the more I wait the more time it gives him to cover his ass and thing of an excuse in case he were ever to get caught. I mean if he is cheating or hanging out with someone else sooner or later hes gonna think about what he'd do if I found out. So should I confront him sooner than later?
13-07-11, 04:20 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

Just ask him who Julie is, and continue asking more questions about her. Tell him a friend of yours that knows her saw the two of them together when he asks.
13-07-11, 04:51 AM
Incognito

^^^ That would be lying. Don't do that. If you're trying to catch someone in a lie the worst thing you can do is be caught in a lie yourself.

@ Socrazyinlove: A "troll" is someone who is "trolling" for responses, usually negative ones so that arguments start. Sometimes trolls post topics that are totally untrue just to get people talking/arguing. As far as your situation goes you need more than an unclear text message to accuse someone of cheating. Also I'd suggest NOT saying anything, but simply being more observant. If you confront him now, with no real proof or objective, your cover is blown and IF he really is cheating he'll be sure to NOT be caught in the near future. Like I said, be more observant. Girl68 had a good suggestion too, be with him more when he is going out. Not all the time of course, but occasionally so that you are with him and observing the people he's with. You might also be able to find someone who is "in the know" about what he and his friends do, like a girlfriend of one of his friends.

I don't suggest this, but it is an option that many people use. You could download software onto his phone that forwards all text messages and called/received numbers to your computer and phone. That is a major invasion of privacy, but some people feel the need to do it. It is an option. I personally would only exercise that option if I knew that something was going on, but simply needed proof. It doesn't sound like you've nailed down whether or not he is yet.
13-07-11, 04:57 AM
girl68

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoCrazyinLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So should I confront him sooner than later?

Yes, I'd confront him today.
13-07-11, 05:02 AM
Incognito

Why? With no real proof she'll just make it known that she knows something is up. Its just like reeling in the hook before the fish is on it. If she says something now all he has to do is say "well I just said that to get them off my back", and she can't prove otherwise. If that happens and he really is cheating he'll know to be extra cautious, thereby making it more difficult to catch him.
13-07-11, 07:00 AM
mgc317

Yea, I'm with incognito. I, myself, wouldn't do the right thing and just confront him anyway. But, I do think it's best if you wait for more proof.
18-07-11, 10:31 AM
SoCrazyinLove

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Personally I think anyone with the ability to be independent and self sufficient and who had a decent sense of self worth would want to know because if he is cheating, we'd leave him or insist on marriage counceling to try to make it work. Obviousely OP is not going to leave him or do anything other than "wonder" she would have left him by now if she was serious with her question.. It's totally obvious what's going on.

Besides Op totally contradicts herself that's why I think its a troll: e.g. then this: So which one is it?

Ha no I am not a troll, I am trully seeking advice & if my statements really confused you that much, allow me to explain....
Recently, when he does go out after work the situation is he stay outs very late and has to go to bed as soon as he gets home. Before recently he spent most of his time at home with me. Get it? The recently
is the the key word ;)

Of course I'm not going to leave my boyfriend on a hunch, especially when we have a son due in a few weeks. The texts aren't proof, I'm not stupid enough to break up with the man I love over an assumption, sorry. I'm going to look for my information, be observate and ask him where hes been when hes out. Obviously what's going on here is not what you think :)
18-07-11, 10:35 AM
SoCrazyinLove

Quote:

Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Just ask him who Julie is, and continue asking more questions about her. Tell him a friend of yours that knows her saw the two of them together when he asks.

Yeah I don't think lying is such a good idea, plus if this Julie chick isn't even real & just something he said to get his friend off his back then I will look really stupid when I claim someone saw him with her. If I ask who Julie is he'll know I looked through is texts & if hes cheating he'll be extra careful to hide it better which is what I don't want, if he is cheating I want to know, I want legit proof before I confront him.
18-07-11, 10:36 AM
SoCrazyinLove

Quote:

Originally Posted by Incognito [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

^^^ That would be lying. Don't do that. If you're trying to catch someone in a lie the worst thing you can do is be caught in a lie yourself.

@ Socrazyinlove: A "troll" is someone who is "trolling" for responses, usually negative ones so that arguments start. Sometimes trolls post topics that are totally untrue just to get people talking/arguing. As far as your situation goes you need more than an unclear text message to accuse someone of cheating. Also I'd suggest NOT saying anything, but simply being more observant. If you confront him now, with no real proof or objective, your cover is blown and IF he really is cheating he'll be sure to NOT be caught in the near future. Like I said, be more observant. Girl68 had a good suggestion too, be with him more when he is going out. Not all the time of course, but occasionally so that you are with him and observing the people he's with. You might also be able to find someone who is "in the know" about what he and his friends do, like a girlfriend of one of his friends.

I don't suggest this, but it is an option that many people use. You could download software onto his phone that forwards all text messages and called/received numbers to your computer and phone. That is a major invasion of privacy, but some people feel the need to do it. It is an option. I personally would only exercise that option if I knew that something was going on, but simply needed proof. It doesn't sound like you've nailed down whether or not he is yet.

Thank you for the advice, I think you are right & I don't plan on confronting him without proof.
18-07-11, 10:58 AM
deeblondie82

You just need to go on with life and like you have read just get better evidence if he is being untrue to you. I know because I have a somewhat similar situation but not soo much. You just need to look out for yourself and your baby and hope he realizes that your a family now and that going out and partying isn't the best thing to be doing with a baby on the way..good luck!