Long letter from ex. Meaning?

So long story short: I * * * * ed up my relationship. I deployed. Girlfriend left me for somebody else. I get back and let her know I still want to be with her. She can't make a decision. After a month of trying to win her back, I give up and go NC to move on. On day 2 or 3 of NC, she sends me this:

" I am sorry too, Scotty. I don't ignore you because things make me uncomfortable. It is truly hard to make me feel that way. I may feel awkward, but not uncomfortable. I brush you off when you start putting words and things into the situation that I never said. It is the way you are feeling, and I know how that is. I did the exact same thing when I was going through the hard times and catching you doing very hurtful things to me. I was constantly freaking out when you weren't home. I was always wondering if you were out cheating on me or talking to other girls. It was the WORST feeling that I have EVER had. Being suspicious is horrible. I was so suspicious, and for the right reasons.

I was also very wrong. I let you get away with everything but murder. That wasn't healthy for me at all. I loved you TOO much, and was willing to put up with the complete * * * * to still have you in my life. I was holding on to the thoughts of how happy you made me before. I was holding on to the grocery cart moments, the comic-con fun, and the chaos we got into. I was so hoping that that Scotty would come back to me someday. He didn't. He just kept getting grouchier, and more hurtful towards me. There was so many times you would be sitting on your computer and I would want to come kiss you or cuddle with you, and I simply got an "ew, you're annoying me" or something along those lines. It hurt me so bad. So terribly bad. We weren't having sex, which hurt ten times more. I truly enjoyed the sex that we had, and I know I voiced that to you. I mean, * * * * , we even woke up all the neighbors because we were having such great sex.

I wanted to go back to the days when you LOVED to touch me. When we would be out in public and you would pull me close, because I was yours and you were proud. I was SO proud to be with you. Despite what everyone said (he's weird, he is a creep, he has done some nasty things, etc), I didn't care. In my eyes you were perfect to me. Only I needed to love you, cause that is ALL that mattered to me. You had changed, and everyone noticed it. Especially me. I WAS inviting you out. I WANTED you to come. I know you don't like some of my friends, but that is part of being in a relationship. I don't like some of your friends, or their influence on you, but I dealt with it because I loved you. That * * * * didn't matter to me. I just wanted to spend time with you, regardless of who else was around. Relationships involved being associated with each other's friends. It is an intertwining of two lives. Two lives made into ONE couple.

Things were so bad for my physically and emotionally, that I could not wait to get out of San Diego and go to a romantic place like the Bahamas with you. I believed that the trip was going to "make" or "break" our relationship. I had a great time while I was there with you, until the last night when I stumbled across your OK Cupid site.... again.....after you had promised that you would delete it. You promised me in April that it was gone, and I believed you because I loved you. That HURT to find that you had not deleted it and then lied to me about it. Baby, I gave you so much attention... maybe it was too much, and maybe it was the wrong kind. I still don't know.

Once back in San Diego, things didn't change. You didn't want to hang out with me anymore than before the trip. You weren't any nicer to me than before we left, and we sure weren't having any romance whatsoever. That crushed me.

It got to the point that I was feeling your deployment was going to be an easy "out" for you. You never really communicated to me what you wanted from me while you were gone. You didn't spend time to fill your shoes as a roommate. This neglect and lack of communication killed me as well. I felt as though you had checked me out of your life completely.

I wanted, and in fact NEEDED to hear from you that you wanted me there for you when you returned. I needed to hear that you wanted me to WAIT for you. I wanted to wait for you. I wanted to have someone to wait for.

There was a HUGE disconnect and lack of communication before you left. We didn't even have sex the NIGHT BEFORE you left, which indicated to me you didn't want me anymore. If I was leaving for 6 months, and was going to miss my significant other I would be sexing all night long. We didn't even ONCE.

Waking up the morning you deployed was by FAR one of the WORST moments of my life. I had in my head that you didn't want me, and that basically this was a GOODBYE to my long relationship that I had put so much effort into. I had put TONS and TONS of EFFORT, LOVE, and TIME into you and US. So much time and effort it made me sick to think I was losing that. (Although, I had felt like I lost you in August-which that made me sick as well). I had also heard some very hurtful things from Brad and company that REALLY made me believe that your deployment was the END of us.

I never want to relive a day like that again.

After I got home from dropping you off, I woke Anne up immediately. I was HYSTERICAL. I was also upset because you didn't seem to be upset that you weren't going to see me for 6 months. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

Having to put away your stuff frustrated me, and made me sad. I was frustrated because you didn't take care of that before you left, and I was sad because it was your stuff and I had memories with it. I cried for at least two weeks about the most random stuff because I MISSED YOU SO MUCH IT HURT.

When I didn't hear from you on a regular basis, and when I did it was about something angry.... I really, and TRULY BELIEVED in my heart that you wanted me out of your life. I NEVER expected you to care.

You arriving home, and all of this happening was a SURPRISE to me. The last thing I remember discussing with you was you wanting to move out and that you didn't want anything to do with that place or me. I HONESTLY packed up all of your belongings and put them in the garage to make that easier for you to move out, and not have to see me. I thought it was what you wanted.

I NEVER would have gotten into a relationship with someone else, had I believed you would come back to me and be my Scotty. It has put me in the most awkward position. It is like having someone come back from the dead (like Cast Away). I lived my life, because I BELIEVED you were gone. I never anticipated this. I still wonder if Koby was not in the situation how your arrival back to San Diego would have went. This whole thing still baffles me.

Honestly, I still wonder what it WOULD have been like had he not been in the situation. WOULD you have still REALIZED your love for me?

This is a very confusing situation for me, and I am very VERY torn."


What do you guys take away from that??