Would a Woman Want Me or Am I Too Far Gone & Ugly?
Here’s the thing. I’m twenty four, I live in Australia and I’ve never really asked a girl out. My last girlfriend passed away when I was sixteen and she was also my best friend. Her name was Jessica. We knew each other since we were five and we were basically attached to each other. Our parents were best friends too and there was never a day where we weren’t together. As I got older I fell in love with her and I was afraid to tell her because I was worried it would ruin our friendship. I eventually wrote a poem with all my feelings and got a friend to give it to her at morning tea at school. I didn’t want to be there while she read it because I was worried what she would say but to my surprise she came looking for me and that’s when we had our first kiss.
It was the happiest day of my life and I remember how incredible it felt. We became even more inseparable from then on and every day was like a dream. I loved Jessica so much and I couldn’t believe she felt the same way as me. I wrote her poetry every day, sang songs to her and we'd perform songs on stage as a duo at our school. Jessica was an amazing singer while I did most of the backing and the writing when we did our own material. It might sound stupid because we were so young but I asked her to marry her when I was fourteen and she said yes. I thought I had my whole life set out in front of me until one day when she and her Father got involved in a car accident.
Jessica passed away and I blamed myself as did many of her friends because her father was driving her to my house. One of our closest friends (Carol) committed a month later and I dropped out of school and slipped into depression. I spent a year in my bedroom refusing to talk to my parents and I spent most of that time thinking about Jessica and crying. I tried to commit suicide but my father stopped me. Losing Jessica killed me I still feel a hole inside me to this day. I loved her more than anything in the world and to know that I could never talk to her again tore me apart.
I got a job working in a factory because I couldn't stay at home all the time even though I wished I would die so I could see her again. I met some blokes there who were what many would describe as the 'wrong crowd' and I starting drinking alcohol and doing drugs. I took up smoking too because I wanted to die. I became an alcoholic and I was addicted to cocaine. I tried to kill myself again one night when my parents went out by drinking as many different things as I could and they came home to find me passed out on the ground.
For a while my sadness turned to anger and I had so much rage building up inside of me. I would get into fights with people frequently and somebody would always have to pull me away because they thought I would kill them. Hurting people seemed to fill the gap I had inside from losing Jessica and the last fight I remember I tried to pull a man’s eye out of his socket and feed it to him. He was blinded but somehow I was not charged. It scared me what I was becoming and I gave up drinking and drugs and it was difficult to say the least but I wanted to do something with my life.
I was made redundant when the factory I was working went broke and I decided to go to TAFE to get the certificates I missed out on. I wanted to be a writer and a music journalist and for a while I could write poetry and songs again and I even sold some to artists and bands. Nobody particularly famous but it gave me money. During the second year I become depressed again and I would leave classes to snort cocaine in the toilet. I had some left over from before that I couldn’t throw away. My grades began decreasing and for a while I nearly fell off the horse (so to speak) and I tried to kill myself again but somehow I put myself back together.
I completed TAFE and got Certificates two, three and four and that's when I met a woman named Rachel who became my best friend. I had a crush on her but she was a lesbian. I told her the way I felt and she said if she wasn't a lesbian she would have went out with me because I was different than most guys. She then kissed me and said one day I was going to make a woman really happy. I loved Rachel even though I knew she would never love me and being with her made me feel like I was me again and I wasn’t so depressed. She was beautiful on the inside and outside and we related with each other on so many different levels. Sure, she had her detriments; she'd smoke like a chimney, spit, burp, snore and cry a lot but she was an incredible woman.
We lived together for a year in her house because she was lonely and she wanted some company and she charged me very little rent as I would do a lot of the house work for her. She passed away in another car accident seven months ago and I believe I have slipped into depression again but I am trying to be strong this time. I'm not drinking or taking drugs and I am trying to keep on the right track. I've had writer's block since then though and my writing skills have been detraining but I'm trying to get them back to become a music journalist. Music is the only thing that has never left me and it is the only thing that makes me happy these days.
Jessica's death still haunts me and I don't know what I did to deserve this but I want to move on. I'm twenty four and most of the guys I used to go to school with are married now. With the exception of Rachel I've never really asked out another woman because I didn't think they would want to waste their time on me. I know I might never find another love like the one I had with Jessica but I just want somebody I can talk to and hold. Love is special and once you have it, it completes you in a way that you could never imagine. It can hurt too but it is worth the pain. To have somebody that really understands you, who cares about you, who you can tell all your deepest secrets to is incredible.
Should I try or am I too late? I'm twenty four and I don’t drive because I’ve just been scared since losing Jessica and now I lost Rachel I’m not sure if I ever will. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life alone because I couldn't stand another ten years of the same thing over again. Do women even go out with guys like me? I'm not a great looking bloke (that’s for sure) but hopefully I'm not too ugly or hideous to find another girlfriend. I don't have many pictures of myself lying around but here are some ones I had taken last year. Ignore the pink as Rachel did that to my hair one night as a joke.
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