1 1/2 Years Later, I Haven't Forgiven/Gotten Over Cheating Ex Girlfriend: I'm Broken
Over a year and a half ago I dated my first girlfriend of almost two years. We had some amazing moments but the relationship itself really destroyed me. She was insecure so she never believed that I thought she was beautiful, loved and in turn made me insecure, self abusive, just a wreck because I was naive and stupid. She cheated on me because she said he made her feel beautiful and stuff. She thought i didn't care bout her even though I turned down a huge university offer in favor of staying in town to be with her.
I'm so angry and frustrated I haven't been able to forgive her because I don't know how to forgive her. I cut all contact from her but not a single day goes by in which she is not infesting my mind. Two days ago I went to the movies with friends and i saw her holding hands with the man she cheated on me with and all we did was look at each other as we passed by. i went home right then and there and broke down crying, ripping my hair out in frustration because my heart ached so much. I've been abusing marijuana and pain killers because being intoxicated in the effects is the ONLY time I forget about her. I've tried dating other people but the relationships go nowhere and I end up being angry because she is happy and i'm not. She ripped everything from me in the relationship we had and is now with someone else, taking everything i gave her for granted.
I'm afraid of going out often because we live in the same town. I avoid parties with related friends because i don't want to see her, I block all related friends of ours so I don't see anything related to her. I am actually scared of working at my job because I don't want to see her walking in.
I can't suppress the feelings, I can't forget. I need to forgive her and forgive myself but I don't know how. I've tried to keep myself occupied over the past year and a half but she doesn't go away in my head. What can I do? Btw I'm 20 years old if that's relevant information.