Ok, here it goes:)

Hi ladies:)

Heading out in a bit, but wanted to give this a try... I do appreciate any responses. I cant tell you how many different things/opinions I have heard from friends/co-workers etc etc.

This paragraph listed below I wrote to a friend in November of 2010,(so 9 months ago or)

Ok, real quick(yeah right!), a little background.

I have been dating/in a relationship w/ a 24 yr old woman now for about 1 year+ (14 months or so) Im 28. I have my own apt, have a job, and she lives at home, has a great job. She is a "go getter", wonderful entertaining personality, gets along w/ everyone you introduce her to, intelligent, beautiful, just a lot of fun to be around. She was the first out of us to tell me she loved me, i soon followed and our relationship is pretty damn good. We dont sufficate each other, see each a few times a week. Shes a ball buster (as am I) her parents like me very much and my parents pretty much want to adopt her for godsake. Heres the thing::::

Every time I see her, and i mean.... EVERY time, she makes a statement/joke about us getting married. Let me elaborate a smidge... We will be out having a drink, chit chatting about whatever, all the sudden, she will throw in, "well, you know when we get married, blah blah blah". She mentions the date, "12/31/2012" as her marriage date. Mind you, she probably knew this & starting planning it when she was 6. or she will say, "the most important things about a ring is size and sparkle, thats all" Now again, she says it and laughs right after she says it, EVERY TIME! Any time I mention i got a bonus at work or won extra cash playing fantasy football, her words are often, "Ahh nice, more money for the Meghan ring fund" Again, she laughs when saying this as i roll my eyes . Its funny.

But it really got me thinking and my mind has really been working over time. For a girl to joke about it THAT MUCH, is it very possible shes serious? Now granted, I know she doesnt want a ring on her finger next week, (nor do Iwant to present one) but Im thinking that in a year or so if our relationship is the same or even better than it is now, I might

I guess my bottom line is,,,, Is the way she jokes about it just a way or getting reassurance from me? Or is she 100% joking and Im out of my mind here?

Whats odd is that as extraverted as she is, she doesnt like to talk about her feelings. Yet, in the past year has sent me numerous messages via email/facebook/text messages saying how amazing I am. How amazing I make her feel, How Im the best thing thats ever happened to her. I guess she just doesnt feel comfortable saying it to my face??

I kinda have a feeling i know the answer to this one, but would value the opinions of anyone who wishes to reply. I appreciate it very much

AND NOW ---------------- July 29th, 2011

where are we now? Okay, so its July 26th and Im confused..
Xmas was nice, Valentines Day was good, etc etc.

My girlfriend moved out of her parents house in the beginning of March. Ever since then, i have felt a bit of a change.
She was CRAZY Excited about moving into her new place w/ her best friend. She loves her new place, loves her new job etc etc.

I slept over a couple times during the week, everything seemed good. I did get the vibe we were passed that "lovey dovey, honeymoon stage" Which i tend to believe all relationships go through.

She through me an INSANE bday party and dinner cruise and bar crawl for my 29th Bday in April of this year which got me scared as shit, casue i thought, what the hell is she going to do for my 30th lol. May we seemed super excited to be going on our first cruise together w/ another couple we are friends with. She kept on saying though,"Im a little scared we are going to be 2gether 7 days all day and we are going to learn more about each other and fight or something" I replied with = Meghan, you are anticipating disaster, the cruise is going to crazy awesome." I remember very specifically she sent me a text that day saying, "Im sorry i was brothering you w/ my narotic thinking, im excited about the cruise, its not ure fault , its just me being narotic"

Needless to say we went on a cruise for 7 days. Long story short, I had an awesome time but yes... we did have 2 disagreements/tiffs, i wouldnt call them fights personally. 1 was totally my fault and I apologize & took full responsibility. the 2nd was her being a crybaby about something stupid. We drank, we had sex, we swam, we shopped, we did alot that week. The cruise was the 1st week of June.

Ever since then, i felt like we were going about our normal days, she has friends, i have friends, she has a job as do i, i got to the gym after work, she shops or does whatever the hell lol. I unfortunately had a very shitty experience at work last month to the point where i was in tears and naturally told my GF about it. When i was tlaking to her about it, we somehow got on the subject of "us" She was saying things like, "I do love you, Im scared and im bad at communicating, i never wanna say the wrong thing, i just want to take it 1 day at a time etc etc." Around the 4th of July weekend, we were talking again, this time w/ alcohol so naturally she opened up more. she was like, "I love having sex with you, i love being with you but seeing how you got when you got written up at work scared me, ive never seen you like that. blah blah blah.

July 9th weekend her cousin was getting married so i was invited w/ her family. I had nice time, hell, even on the ride back she saw i was excited downstairs in my pants & was rubbing me etc etc in the escalade we were in(we were obviously in the back) while her rents and sister were in front!!!!! She had that evil smile like she knew what she was doing was daring & risky, but didnt care. Sorry to be so graphic here but i want to share as much as possible. Weddning was fun.

The following weekend July 16th she had a house warming party w/ her roomie & invited family members only and boyfriends and boyfriends familys. My parents came, her parents came etc etc, it was a very nice time.

Then this past week didnt see her for like 5-6 days, which is ok, she would still call em every night and i will admit,,,, we are both NOT phone people. It just seemed somethign was on her mind & she wasnt telling me. Mind you, i havent had sex w/ her at this point since 4th of July weekend!!!!!!!! because the wedding & dinner partys etc etc and during the week we havent either had occasion or whatever.

I see her Friday and the first thing she says to me when i walk into her apt(mind you i havent seen her all week) is: Do you mind if we go out to dinner w/ Brittney(her roomate) and her bf?. I was like, Yeah sure, i dont care, but then she says: "I havent seen her all day so" I was like, "Lol, meg, i havent seen you ALL WEEK" Dinner was going fine, but deep down i felt something was just off... The bill came and Brittanys BF & I split the bill, no prob. His GF says, thanks babe, my GF says thanks babe as well. Then his GF says "I love you" then mine says, "ehh I love you sometimes". It just irked me the wrong way..

That night in bed i try kissing her to get her "in the mood" NOTHING, she goes to sleep. In the morning, i start kissing her and go down on her & everything which she let me do, but i swear, it was like making love or oral sex w/ a ghost, she didnt even touch me.

saturday night we go to 2 BBQ's. I get to her place & one of the first things she says is," I think im gonna get a part time job, im kinda bored when i get home & could use some more cash." Right away, i felt like saying, I would love to spend more time with you during the week here n there and meanwhile she wants a new job. If anything, i feel like the past few months i have been backing off a bit becvause i realize she has a new apartment and she is excited about that etc etc and its big change in her life being on her own etc etc.

We go to the first BBQ, had a good time i felt, but on the ride back, i go to hold her hand in the car(mind you we are alone) and she wouldnt do it. I was like WTF in my head""" We get to the next BBQ party, had a good time. We get back to her place that night, we both pass out. In the morning , i try making some kissing moves on her back, she wouldnt have it saying "Im still sleeping" I get up to put on my clothes and i said, "Babe, we can cut the tension w/ a butter knife in here" Whats up?? This entire week i barely speak to you, we hhang out friday & saturday but its like you werent even there... I am coming froma good place, i love you, i enjoy being with you, but you wouldnt even hold my hand, and why couldnt you say you loved me in front of 2 of our friends? I dotn get it.

She then went on to say, I dont Know I dont Know, etc etc I feel overwhelmed, ever since the cruise i still think about the 2 fights we had. I was like, "REALLY???? I had no idea, babe you got to communicate with me, i am not GOD and i dont know what ure thniking all the time unless you tell me. She also said, b4 i lived at my rents house, we would see each other 2 times a week usuallu and now you sleep over alot and thats..... I left it by saying, "meg, when you know what you want or whatever, you let me know"

So, Sunday goes by and Monday all day goes by w/out me hearing from her and i was giving her her space cause i felt it was appropriate.

Then she calls me yesterday and was chatting w/ me for 5-10minutes on the phone liek nothing ever happened on Sunday???? she bullshitted about work, her friends bday party, when am i getting my tattoo, ???? I just dont get it. She texted me this morning saying Happy Friday!!!! I really dont get it@

Let me finish this off by saying I go to a psychologist because I have a mild case of OCD. I take medication for it which does work, but coincidentally this past week, i wasnt taking any because i ran out.

1)Am i just obsessing & looking for constant reeassurance that i dont need?
2) Does she want to break up but feels guilty so she wants me do it?
3) Is she enjoying her life w/ the new apartment & new job and Im just a piece of the puzzle as opposed to 6 months ago when i was a BIGGER part?
4) Is she holding herself back(whether intentional or not) love feelings because she is now scared of engagement/marriage?
5) Does she think because we had 2 little tiffs on our cruise that i am no longer who she thought iwas ? Because this is her longest relationship and doesnt have a lot of experience.

Mind you, i dont tell all this because i dont want to **** up anything, thats why i tell my psychologist this shit. Im just lost

Sorry for the long post!! Grrrrr

Rob H