Cannot Decide

I have been with a person for 4 years now. I have been living with him for 3 years. My dilemma is that I love him, but think that I am doing him no good. I am not happy with my life, and feel I am dragging him down with me. Should I take a break and move out? I am so scared that he will resent me. I used to see a future between the two of us, now I cannot see anything ahead of myself. I know that he loves me to death, and I feel like I am rude to him because I am trying to deal with what I have. He has done me no wrong that would cause me to act this way.
MAYBE - I don't know what else could be out there for me?
I am terrified that I will not find someone out there that is right for me when he is a good man to me and I threw it all away.
I feel like maybe I should live a lone for a while and see if it changes my feelings for him. Do I need his support? Yes, but I don't want to hurt him either in the process of him trying to help me out. What should I do??? HELP!

You say you love him, and it appears that he loves you very much too.

That doesn't seem to be the problem.

Where the problem appears to be is that you are trying to deal with your issues on your own.

The first thing you have to do, is to stop blaming yourself and start looking at ways to deal with your issues.

The second thing you need to do is to allow him to be supportive of you. That's what partners are for.

Not only to share the good times but also to share the bad times, and to help and support each other through them.

Let him into your world. He seems to be willing to support you through whatever issues you have.

Don't resent him for trying to help. Let him.

You ask if you should move away - but stop for a moment and ask yourself this:

Am I running from him or from my issues and is running from him going to sort out my problem?

The answer is definitely no.

Your problem and your issues will go with you.

Talk with him. You are also talking about whether you will find anyone else.

Does this mean that you feel your relationship with him is not working? Is that the main source of your problem?

You need to stop and think about what the real issues you are trying to deal with are.

Once you have done that, be honest with yourself and with him. He deserves that.

At the moment, he is living the life of a mushroom - being kept in the dark.

Running won't sort out your problems. Discussing them will lead to action plans you can implement to resolve them.

If he is not part of the problem, then allow him to be part of the solution. If he is willing to help you then that is his choice, and you should respect that, not feel guilty over it. It's what people in love do. They help each other. Let him help.

You obviously know him well after this time. If you think he can deal constructivly with what you are going thru then tell him. Just make sure you dont drag him down when you are feeling low, as altho partners are there to support us, we shouldnt inflict all our problems and worries onto them when they are not actually the problem themself.

Dont do anything drastic yet. There is no need for you to move out or anything. if you feel you can let him in on this then do so, if not is there anyone like a counsellor you can talk to about these issues? If your partner is not directly causing any problems, then i dont really see why u should consider leaving him.

It sounds like you are incredibly low because you say you feel like you are dragging him down etc. Has he himself expressed this to you? I think you should at least talk to him about what your going thru, youve been together long enough to handle things. good luck xx

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by loralove

My dilemma is that I love him, but think that I am doing him no good. I am not happy with my life, and feel I am dragging him down with me.

---

This concerns me the most, here. If you are unhappy your concern needs to be about yourself. You need to sort through your issues or it is all irrelevant. You cannot have a happy relationship until you are happy. More important than dragging him down is the fact that you are dragging yourself down.

I would like to see you sit back and analyze this situation to see what is best for you. Do you need space to sort things out? Do you need a new start? Do you need more support and communication from him? What is it that is making you unhappy? Are there things that you can do to make yourself happier???

Loving this guy and having a successful relationship are two separate things. If you want to be good for him you have to be good for yourself first. Take whatever time you need and get your head straight. Everything else we be more clear then.

you sound depressed. part of being in a healthy relationship is supporting each other, and depression is an illness like any other. would you leave him because you had cancer? if he is a good partner, than he will support you through whatever comes. i know you can't see a future, that you feel like a burden to all those around you. TALK TO HIM. he can't support you if he doesn't know the situation. i wish you all the best.

You're depressed- It's January and it's totally normal right now. My suggestion- find whats making you depressed. It's possible that you're spending a lot of time alone doing TOO much thinking. Take up a hobby, or do something constructive with your time that will reward you-

Or build some sort of skill together- just add something new to your life that you can focus on that's fun. Besides working, and hanging out with your boyfriend.

If you're still depressed after making changes in your life, then it may just be that you're falling out of love with your boyfriend, and may need to move on.

You'll figure things out.

Loralove,

I am in a similar situation with a girl I have been with now for over two years. I have not figured out everything (which is why I will be posting about this soon), but I have come to some realizations. You also need to think about some of the things I am dealing with... Are you IN LOVE with this guy? I know you love him deeply and would probably rather die than hurt him, but are you IN LOVE with him. The term "in love" has become very trite and holds a different meaning for everyone, but are your feelings for him the same as they used to be? Do you find yourself uncomfortable when you are alone with him? Do you occasionally zone out when he talks to you? Do you try to find excuses to do other things so you are not around him as much? I don't mean to sound like a commercial, but if you are answering yes to these, you may be growing apart from him. If this is the case, you need to take some kind of action. I think you know the answer deep down.

A big mistake I have made is whenever I had these feelings towards my girlfriend, I would make excuses for why I was feeling this way. I would say, its because she does this or never does that, or I do this wrong and that wrong, when in fact I am falling out of love and I am trying to come up with any other conclusion besides that because its not what I want to hear. If you are growing apart and falling out of love, don't blame yourself. I know from experience (I am experiencing this now) that it is probably harder to be in my shoes than to be in my girlfriends shoes when I have to break up with her. I have been TORMENTING over this for months. I walk around with a constant pain in my stomach. I am miserable. One of life's cruelest servings is having to tell a person whom you care about deeply that you are no longer in love with them and watch their heart break. There's hardly anything worse.

Sorry that I don't have any conclusions for you, you'll have to come up with those on your own (or I would be happy to talk to you more and hopefully we can help each other out). Somehow, I dont think this is just your January depression... its been going on for a while now huh? I know because when I read your post I found myself laughing at how similar our questions are. Anyways, if none of this applies to you, thanks for listening and letting me vent. At least I feel a little better for today.

[QUOTE=Openbook]Loralove,

I am in a similar situation with a girl I have been with now for over two years. I have not figured out everything (which is why I will be posting about this soon), but I have come to some realizations. You also need to think about some of the things I am dealing with... Are you IN LOVE with this guy? I know you love him deeply and would probably rather die than hurt him, but are you IN LOVE with him. The term "in love" has become very trite and holds a different meaning for everyone, but are your feelings for him the same as they used to be? Do you find yourself uncomfortable when you are alone with him? Do you occasionally zone out when he talks to you? Do you try to find excuses to do other things so you are not around him as much? I don't mean to sound like a commercial, but if you are answering yes to these, you may be growing apart from him. If this is the case, you need to take some kind of action. I think you know the answer deep down.

A big mistake I have made is whenever I had these feelings towards my girlfriend, I would make excuses for why I was feeling this way. I would say, its because she does this or never does that, or I do this wrong and that wrong, when in fact I am falling out of love and I am trying to come up with any other conclusion besides that because its not what I want to hear. If you are growing apart and falling out of love, don't blame yourself. I know from experience (I am experiencing this now) that it is probably harder to be in my shoes than to be in my girlfriends shoes when I have to break up with her. I have been TORMENTING over this for months. I walk around with a constant pain in my stomach. I am miserable. One of life's cruelest servings is having to tell a person whom you care about deeply that you are no longer in love with them and watch their heart break. There's hardly anything worse.
------------

OMG........ After reading your post, i've realized some things too. My ex and i were in a similar situation. All these things you are saying are exactly what she was doing towards the end of our relationship. I saw her a couple of times after we broke it off, but she was crying and has been miserable for a while now. I proceeded to tell her that she wasnt IN lOVE with me, and she didnt understand and said she still loved me.

I think you hit the nail on the head man. I dont know if every case is the same, but my ex (towards the end) would space off when i would see her, rather hang out with friends,etc.....which was hard for me to take because we only saw each other once a week. At first, i thought she was miserable after we broke up becuase she really wanted to be with me, and in her mind there was no possible way for us to work right now. Now, i dont think that was the case. She def was feeling guilty for hurting me, and feeling guilty for not loving me the way she once did. Am i right, man? This change literally happened overnight, and to this day i still think about it.

I have posted my story if you wan to read em, but things are little cleared now. Thanks

inkeepingsecret,

I am out the door right now, but will post more tonight. If this girl really loved you, which it sounds like she did, she probably went through HELL ON EARTH when she realized her feelings changed. I am not an emotional person AT ALL and never shed a single tear for anything, but about a month ago, I tried to break up with my girlfirend. I told her that I didn't think I was in love with her (big mistake, I should have told her I wasn't) and that I couldn't be fair to her. Well, she instantly fell apart and her heart broke. Because I couldn't bring myself to leave her like that, I stayed and held on to her (literally). We both sobbed for a while together and ended up staying together. Man, its tough. I just wasn't strong enough to let go. I loved her so deeply and so purely, but I did not love her in the same way I used to.

How did your relationship end with your girlfriend? Tell me the story if you don't mind. How is she doing?

openbook,
here's my long story that i posted a few months ago
[url]http://www.loveforum.net/showthread.php?t=4792[/url]

im not sure if you want to read all of it, but basically everything was great one day. Actually, the whole relationship was great, and she just turned on me. She became cold over the phone one night and it was downhill form there. Our main issue wasn't about being compatible, or getting along, it was of her missing out on college life, and i couldnt understand. School was getting harder for her and i added to the pressure, because she never felt like she could do enough for us. Well, thats what i think happened.

People change a lot in a few years, especially when they are in their teens.... I think we still love each other, but there is no possible way things could get better anytime soon. Life is pretty much normal again, and it was for the best..