Major problems.. Need opinions. (my boyfriend, his kids and his old life)
I've been with my boyfriend for four years. (Me, 29, Him 36) We're engaged, since April. Problems erupted when I saw in texts and emails that he was saying something crazy stuff to other women. Asking two women to hang out and for "big hugs". He even asked his ex wife for a handjob. He's been divorced for about 5 years. From the texts nothing happened between him and his ex. She actually seems very uninterested. I think she's attempting to be civil. On Father's Day, I was told he was taking his kids out to dinner. What I didn't know was his ex-wife was joining them. They seem to talk 5 outta 7 days a week through texts which seems like too much and no it's not always about the kids and the conversation never has my name in it. I only met his kids once two months ago. They told their mom they liked me and said I was a pretty. So I finally confronted him about all this 3 weeks ago.. Nicely. My thought was I figured we could work on it.. meaning him quit his crap and then us rebuilding the trust I lost in him. Cause I do love him and I do want to be with him not because I'm afraid to be alone but simply because we do "click" and we're good together. Which is why this all confused me so much. I didn't understand WHY he would do this. He started blowing me off after I brought it up. We don't live together but we're with each other every evening. We spend the night over each others place. He kept saying he'd talk to me about it or put it into an email cause it was hard to explain. I figured.. WHATEVER.. just gimme something already! Finally after like 2 weeks I get a response in an email.
He said, "I've been trying to find the feeling of something that's missing or not right in my life. We fit together, we do everything together. I'm not trying to find someone better but trying to figure this all out. I truly want to be with you for some reason I can't give you my whole heart. I really miss you. I feel like I'm cheating you out of what you deserve. It feels so right when we're together and I'm so thankful when you help me out. When I'm sick you're right by my side. You're a really good person. Maybe I'm afraid."
I responded a day later telling him (This will be shorter form) I'm the one who sat there and said I wanted to work on whatever was going on, that I didn't want to break up but be together. That maybe you can't give me your whole heart because maybe you haven't gotten over your marriage as in your never got closure or maybe still want to be with your ex. But maybe if you never gave your whole heart to your ex because you did cheat on her repeatedly and because of that this deals primarily with you.
Then I get this and THIS stopped me in my tracks. "I do want to e with you but for some reason it feels like I can't give you my whole heart then you ask why. To be honest I don't know. When I'm with my kids sometimes it feels as though I'm still married and I'm just out with the kids. It felt funny when you were with me and I had my kids. It felt as though you shouldn't have been there. I don't want to be with my ex wife. I've told you that many times and I'll say it. Maybe somewhere I lost a part of myself in my marriage. Maybe I wish it never ended. My point is I think out of everyone I have been with, including my ex, you are the best fit for me." Then he talked about me not working and how i'm having a hard time finding work and how he's afraid to hope for the best on me finding a job. Then he says, "The other things is I have kids and I wanted them at a young age. See you want kids and I'm not sure if I want more. I always say I want 2 more but thinking about it I'm not sure if I do. It all comes down to a few little things. Can we work these things out, I think so. Do I want to be with you, yes I do."
I don't think I'm ready to "give up" on this relationship. From what he's saying there's a lot of stuff going on in his head that I knew nothing about and in a twisted way maybe that's the reason for all the BS. I don't know how to react to what he says like when it comes to him not being comfortable with me and his kids in the same room or him saying maybe he wished his marriage never ended. I was told maybe he has a lot regrets and guilt left over from what happened with his marriage but that doesn't mean he wants his ex-wife back... and what can we do to get him to kick the uncomfortable feeling with his kids and I in the same room.. I, myself, don't know how to deal with this.
Is this fixable.. and if so, where do we start? My friends are somewhat lost on the "what to do" part just as I am.
