not sure what to do..LONG :/ :/

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10-08-11, 02:08 AM
username3344

not sure what to do..LONG :/ :/

Hi everyone! I'm new to this, looking for advice. I've been with my high school boyfriend for 5 years, since I was 15 and he was 16. We have basically grown up together and have both changed a lot. It almost makes me sick looking back.. I was very sensitive and cried over the small things, and he was sweet and naive and proposed to me when I was 16. Yeah, I know, teenagers. When every other couple in the whole world would have ended the relationship, we stayed together. In the beginning, I noticed that he had a temper with his family but he was so respectful with me that I assumed he always would be. At the time, I couldn't stand my conservative family and could totally understand a person only being rude to family members. Gradually over the years he would get moody and I would react in typical teenage fashion: tears. We probably had our first big blowout sometime in our second year together. Again, it was very gradual. Slowly the dramatic fights and passionate make-ups turned into screaming insult sessions and push-and-shove matches, as is the situation these days.

In no way am I saying that I am a victim or anything similar, but this relationship is so overwhelming! If one of us is in a good mood, the other is not. In the past year or so I have tried to better myself as an adult..I quit smoking which in turn heightened my self-esteem INCREDIBLY. I stopped prying and tried to be easy-going. I feel like he's exactly the same as he was when we were kids. I have really come to know exactly who I am and have realized that we don't have anything in common as adults. Our differences now vary from things like music and political opinions to outlooks on life in general. He just doesn't seem to want to cross that threshold into a mature relationship, it's like he WANTS to fight and looks forward to the next argument. A typical argument with us involves me explaining what's bothering me and him throwing out some meaningless insult or threat and breaking something. I always end up putting on headphones and tuning him out. Then he seems to feel bad hours later and we half-ass talk things out and wait for the next one. It's so frustrating. I am definitively guilty of defending myself with rude words and spitting in his face hundreds of time, but again I'm trying to better myself and have held back a lot lately, not that it excuses anything I did before. He, on the other hand, seems to be getting worse. I can honestly say that I see him as my worst enemy.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this, I guess I just needed to vent. Does anyone have a story similar to mine? How did it end? It's so hard to leave when it seems so easy. I can't even say I respect him anymore because he's said such mean things and broken so much of my stuff. I moved out of state with him and am surrounded by his family and friends I've made here on my own. My family would be willing to help me but they don't know we have such a damaged bond. We put up a unified front every month or two to visit them. I'm also very close with his family....they see me as family and the best thing ever to happen to him. They think that I'm going to have his children, but is it so wrong that I would never raise a child with a father with such a temper? I'd rather do it on my own than give them the impression that men are supposed to treat females in that way.

I don't really care about the "underlying cause" of these fights because I am 99% sure that it stems from a total lack of respect for one another. I guess we're just sick of each other. We've just run our course and all that's left is the physical... I don't even feel attracted to him in any other way. Although we do and always have had a very active sex life, I feel that this isn't enough to support a life together. I just don't see this going any further. I have learned more than I could ever explain from this partnership and am so ready to put these skills and energy into a new relationship, one with someone who can support me and add to my success instead of bringing me down with another low-blow insult. I'm 2 years away from finishing my mass communication/journalism degree and I feel like I'm being held back. The years I was supposed to have the most fun, I wasted arguing with my boyfriend. What should I do?? : /

Thanks for reading everyone, I certainly feel a bit better after writing this.
10-08-11, 02:20 AM
username3344

in the second paragraph I meant "definitely guilty" not "definitively guilty"
10-08-11, 02:35 AM
oldskool83

I Think its a classic case of you grew up but grew appart. i kinda was in one of these years back marriying a Highschool love...it didnt end well lets say that. You could bring this up to me him and have a talk, but its pretty much pointless to get counsiling because your so young and not even at the enaged marrying stage. I'd prob weight you options but it seems like you have expressed nuff concern that your not happy.
10-08-11, 03:21 AM
Incognito

You already know the answer to your dilemma username3344, which is to dump his sorry butt and move on to bigger and better things. Some guys don't mature until they are forced to, and he is bucking hard to not be an adult. Ending a relationship is never easy because after a while it just becomes so familiar that it is like an arm or a leg, meaning that it just seems like a natural part of your life. Fortunately ending a relationship is nothing like losing an arm or leg. I suspect that even though you hate him that you will hurt emotionally at first. This will pass. What you need to focus on is the fact that you don't have to deal with his childish and abusive behavior anymore, and that after spending some valuable time alone you will be ready for another relationship (hopefully with a guy that will treat you a lot better than this jerk). Severing ties with his family will be difficult, but remember, you're in a relationship with him and his abusive behavior not his family. You don't really owe them any explanation, but if you must you could explain to them via letter what happened. I wouldn't tell them in person because family have a tendency to try to mend situations like these when it isn't their place to do so.

Make sure that you stay single for a bit to further figure out who you are since you've been with him for so long. I'd also evaluate the things that you do that are unhealthy that could possibly follow you to your next relationship and ruin it. Spitting in someone's face is one such thing. You said that you spit in his face hundreds of times. That is unacceptable under any circumstances within the confines of a relationship. Further it is assault, which could land you in jail if it is reported. You see being with this prick for so long has taught you much, but also has damaged you to a certain extent. After dumping him you'll need to figure out exactly what damage was done (i.e. what unhealthy boundaries or coping mechanisms you set up to deal with him) and promptly work on them. It is easier said then done to do this, but it is far from impossible. I suppose what you could do is ask someone in a healthy relationship what they'd do in different situations. Some people find books effective as well, but books are only published opinion anyway.
10-08-11, 03:40 AM
username3344

Thank you guys for replying. Incognito, you're so right when you say I developed coping mechanisms over the years. I saw that spitting in his face bothered him and used it over and over in order to get some sort of "revenge" I suppose. This sort of advice is exactly what I'm seeking, thanks again.
10-08-11, 03:51 AM
Incognito

No problem. It looks like part of my post got deleted though. Here it is:

Another one of those coping mechanisms is putting on your head phones to tune out an argument. That is probably a pretty routine action for you since you are currently dealing with your boyfriend. Since it is normal to you, you'd probably do this in you next relationship. That, however, doesn't solve problems, it only makes them worse. You need to figure out how to approach a problem with a cool head and with a willingness to NOT tune your significant other out. Fights in a relationship are inevitable, but how you deal with them can be the difference between a failed relationship and and a healthy one.

I'm sure there are other things that you'll need to work on, that is just one that I picked up on from your post. Dump him and good luck to you.
10-08-11, 05:57 AM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I noticed that he had a temper with his family

Warning sign: We learn what we're socialized to do. He's learned that relationships with family are emotionally, mentally and physically violent. Violence isn't always physical, BTW.

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

over the years he would get moody and I would react in typical teenage fashion: tears. We probably had our first big blowout sometime in our second year together. Again, it was very gradual. Slowly the dramatic fights and passionate make-ups turned into screaming insult sessions and push-and-shove matches, as is the situation these days.

As he learned that you would tolerate this behavior, and that it would lead to what he wanted, yet be less effective after the first few times, he escalated his behavior. His behavior encompasses several kinds of abuse - the name calling is emotional and mental abuse, and the pushing and shoving is physical abuse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

In no way am I saying that I am a victim or anything similar

In my opinion you are. You might ALSO (maybe) be abusive towards him but as they say, two wrongs don't make a right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I stopped prying and tried to be easy-going.

Meaning you were prying previously? That's controlling behavior, caused by insecurity. Good for you for getting more secure and stopping.

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I feel like he's exactly the same as he was when we were kids. I have really come to know exactly who I am and have realized that we don't have anything in common as adults.

He's 21? He still is a kid, on the threshold of manhood. Trust me on this... every boy thinks he's a man at 21. Every man of 40 thinks a 21 year old is still a kid.

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

it's like he WANTS to fight and looks forward to the next argument.

He does. It's what he knows.

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

A typical argument with us involves me explaining what's bothering me and him throwing out some meaningless insult or threat and breaking something.

I'm not saying that you're not doing this, but using [URL="http://www.communicationandconflict.com/i-statements.html"]I Statements[/URL] properly while communicating makes it difficult for the other party to argue. Using phrases like "lets stay on topic" instead of "Oh grow up." is also much more productive.

Him throwing out insults is emotional abuse, and breaking things is a kind of abuse called intimidation. It's meant to scare you into what he wants.

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Then he seems to feel bad hours later and we half-ass talk things out and wait for the next one.

Welcome to the [URL="http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Cycle%20of%20Violence.htm"]cycle of violence.
[/URL]

BTW, he doesn't really feel bad about the incident. He feels bad because you're upset with him and he can't get what he wants.

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am definitively guilty of defending myself with rude words and spitting in his face hundreds of time, but again I'm trying to better myself and have held back a lot lately, not that it excuses anything I did before.

No it doesn't. This stems from the false belief "If someone hurts me, I have the right to hurt them back." You don't. Holding back is good, getting counseling for yourself is better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He, on the other hand, seems to be getting worse. I can honestly say that I see him as my worst enemy.

He is. Abusers escalate when the methods they're using stop being effective. If it hasn't escalated beyond pushing yet, it will soon. He won't get better either without help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by username3344 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this, I guess I just needed to vent. Does anyone have a story similar to mine? How did it end? It's so hard to leave when it seems so easy. I can't even say I respect him anymore because he's said such mean things and broken so much of my stuff. I moved out of state with him and am surrounded by his family and friends I've made here on my own. My family would be willing to help me but they don't know we have such a damaged bond. We put up a unified front every month or two to visit them. I'm also very close with his family....they see me as family and the best thing ever to happen to him. They think that I'm going to have his children, but is it so wrong that I would never raise a child with a father with such a temper? I'd rather do it on my own than give them the impression that men are supposed to treat females in that way.

I think you posted so you could get an unbiased opinion and the unvarnished truth. I doing my best to supply that.

Yes, my story is similar to yours - but from the other side. I'm a convicted batterer. I've done nearly two years of group and individual therapy and it's helped me tremendously. It CAN help him too, if he's willing to go, and you're willing to stick through it. If not, I totally understand.

You are NOT wrong to not want to raise a child with such a father, but the key here isn't how he treats women, but how he treats people. Having a vagina doesn't grant you some sort of magical extra protection, it just means that you pee sitting down.
10-08-11, 09:55 AM
username3344

HeartIsBreaking, what you say about his family dynamic makes so much sense...his family does have a dysfunctional history. When they are angry at one another, instead of arguing their point, they insult and hurt each other's feelings. This is also how he argues with me, and how I in turn argue with him. Thanks for the advice...I already tried to use more "I" instead of "you" today. He's still upset about a fight that happened two nights ago..he's been pretty rude ever since. I read on some site (before finding this one) that I shouldn't respond at all but I think it makes it worse....he's doing pointless things to try to bother me (i.e. blowing out the candle I just lit, changing the channel I'm watching, turning on a light I just turned off) and it seems to drive him crazy that I haven't gotten mad in return but I won't because that's what always starts a fight. (I'm too exhausted to correct that run-on sentence.) All in all, at the end of the day, I'm thinking I'm going to have to transfer and end it once and for all. It's hard though... I don't know where to start! Thanks again everyone. I needed these opinions.