Would this creep you out?
arrrgh i just spent ages typing my situation up and igot logged out and lost everything, gahhh.
Anyway, i have been with husband 9 yrs, married for 2. it has its problems but i thought things were ok.
then at work 6 months ago during an intensely busy and stressful period in my job i met a guy. i obv liked him right away cos my boss (who is a friend of this guys) teased me about it...we bonded far quicker than my shyness would usually allow cos of the ordeal we had to go through together in work. lots of flirting, blushes, smiles, eyes lighting up...he directly asked me what i thought of him and i gave a semi joke/flirt answer which earned me a big blushing smile, and later i overheard him asking my boss what i thought. i was too out of it on stress and sheer activity to really acknowledge what was happening.
once the stress was over my natural shyness and also a lot of guilt and confusion settled in on my side. M as i'll call him didnt know i was married until a few days after i met him and i wasnt able to gauge his reaction when he found out - through a situation rather than anyone telling him - M and i were both rushing all over the place at the time. he treated me the same though. nice and teasing and cute and kind of embarrassed. he met my husband and was likewise warm and friendly to him (though my husband wasnt back, thats another story).
A couple of weeks passes. i feel increasingly infatuated, confused, dizzyingly in lust/like if not love, guilty, ecstatic, cant wait to get to work and for him to walk through the door. he makes the effort to talk to me, touches me on the arm, laughs when i say things that arent all that funny, all is ok...until money/career probs depress him, and the tension from everything left unsaid gets to me and i fancy him so much i can barely look at him, let alone talk. i become a cringing bumbling brain dead idiot. M becomes so listless and quiet he can barely speak either. we still look at each other and smile like we're sharing a private joke and he stil gives me the occasional reasurring pat if im looking particularly stressed, but conversation becomes difficult. i should prob mention at this point english is not his first language and he comes from a strict religious country where talking to girls even as friends is generally not done, he is urbanised and very educated so less so, but still.
i get to the point where i cant take the tension and something stupid has to burst out, i blurt out awkwardly how much i enjoy talking to him after we havent really spoken properly in a while. he looks stunned and then i think ecstatic, deeply touched and far away but it could have been mortified embarrasment, maybe i saw what i wanted to see but didnt get a chance to tell as i panicked and started gabbling then we both had to rush off to deal with work situations anyway. then fate conspires and we dont see each other for a week. i go insane, clean everything manically,dont eat or sleep...when i see him next i am so exhausted and pissed with the whole situation i purposefully dont smile back when he smiles at me. this wipes the smile off his face. and everytime i see him after that its like he's consciously making his face neutral and closed towards me whenever we speak.
he disappears for a bit and when i next see him, its for the last time. again he closes his face to me but stops for a chat and explains where hes been and that he isnt going to be in work so much now (not really his choice)...but i dont think i'll never see him again and we didnt say goodbye, which was usual in this place due to the rush and the busy- ness...yeh, i know, haha the crapness of the job got too much for me shortly after i realised he wasnt coming back and both my boss (who knew M as a friend) and me no longer work there.
its 4 months since i last saw him and im not getting over him thanks to damn facebook, we arent fb friends but we have a mutual friend ( M's friend, i briefly met him again thru work and added him on a whim before my feelings were so intense for M. his friend list is private, even to his friends so M would not obviously have my my name right there)...so i can see alll his pictures :( and could see his wall also til he changed his privacy settings a couple of months ago. my better side has finally won out - tho im feeling pretty miserable and grey about it, and i now honestly have accepted that nothing will ever happen and i want nothing from him. except closure and and goodbye. obviously sometimes, though rarely, M comments on our mutual friends' wall posts so i see his face and name pop up.
here's the Q i've been getting to, at long last - next time he comments would it be creepy if i messaged him thru fb based only on seeing his comment on his friends post? i mean, M and i were becoming friends once but things were so distant and awkward the last time we saw each other :/ i'm guessing once he knew how intense my feelings were he was kind of scared off and didnt approve of me still smiling and flirting and gave me the stone face to make me back off. and i dont want to creep him out contacting him after all this time if he's barely given me a second thought. and i want to have enough self respect to leave him alone if he scorns and despises me. but a goodbye would give me closure and i could make it clear that i really want nothing else and am sorry for any trouble i may have caused? what do you think, anyone who read this far :D !? i dont want to friend him as it wouldnt help the obsession at all.
ive never cheated in my life (im 25) and actually am usually very boring and moral and good and im pretty sure hes the same way. this hit me like a freight train...a crazy, immature, irresponsible freight train. the highs and lows i felt were incredible but its a nightmare situation and i pray it never happens to anyone reading this.
