Love is something that no one choose to understand

I know that many of you read both of my stories... To be honest with you all, if it wasn't true I wouldn't write it... It's hard to live a life like mine... Many of you might think that life isn't that hard... Well, you'll never know unless you walked on their shoes...
I married my husband for 16 years, and we have three childrens, and for all those years that we've been married, I didn't feel like his wife, I'm always like if I could pretend to live a life that no one knows, maybe it will go away somehow, it did for awhile, but as the years goes by... He seems to think that just because he is a man and he could have any girls he wants... He does call girls and sometimes go visit them, I'm mean I'm old fashion, but to me once he married to me, he is my husband and he is not to be someone else boyfriend... It does hurt me a lot, I mean I give up a lot for him, but I guess that wasn't enough, he had to have others too... The thing that hurt me the most is that he is my husband, and he told me that whenever a girl called tell them that I'm his sister... Now it's not my place to say that, but being married at a young age and don't know much about love, I thought that was a part of being married... they said if you are jealous of someone then that means you do love them, but I wasn't jealous of him... I'm like whatever...Now you might think that was stupid of me, but like I said, you don't know me unless you walk in my shoes...
Now you will know the real reason why I did what I did... When I was young I know that I was different, but being a Hmong girl, and you have nothing to say about your feelings... And all those years that I've been married to him, I thought that he could love me enough to let me let go off my feelings, I think he might have if he could only love me enough to keep me, but I guess, he is like toooooo handsome so he says... No matter what he do now, I can't never have those feelings for him as I have for this person that I love... Now you think that I'm not being honest to him, you tell me when can I be honest to when and when did he was honest with me... You know I did give our marriage a lot of tries, but it was he who choose to like other girls and not making time for me...
When I met her, I knew that she is mines to keep, and she is... Everyday talking to her is like I'm always smile, no matter what I went through, I always know that I have her to come to... She make me happy, be there for me, and just by telling me that she loves me, and each time she said that she loves me, I knew that it was from her heart... And when I said that to her, she knows that is from this heart of mine... I don't know what I'll do if I let her go, cause I know that I can't, and I won't... Love is very strong, pain, hurting, sad, and most of all Happiness... I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be in love, but you'll find out soon...
My husband seems to think that he could bring me back to be his wife and let go off her, I told him many times, " Don't even try and don't make me choose, cause you'll be outta of my life. "
You know, there a lot things about love that I didn't understand, but the kinda love that I discover it feels sooooo real, and each time I talked to her it makes my day go smoother.. If I don't talk to her, I feel soooo lonely, there is nothing that could make me feel better until I talk to her...
Many of you might think that I'm disgrace the Hmong name, but what's wrong with it, I'm only human being and I'm allow to make my own mistake and allow to find my love one... And I know that it's hard for the kids, but like I said would they rather let me write them a note saying good-bye, then do something stupid, or would they rather have me there... To me just because I want to change my partner it doesn't mean that I have a change of heart too... I will always be their mother no matter what... They stuck with me forever... To love someone and they love you back is a GREAT feelings, a feeling that you don't ever want it to end... I'm still marry to him, but in my heart I know it won't be long...

Well, now you know how my life is I hope you won't think of me any different from any other Hmong person... I lived by these words for the rest of my life... To know me is to understand me, to be by my side through rough times and good times, to accept me for who I am and what I am, to know me is to LOVE ME no matter what... And to fight your feelings it will take you a lifetime to fight your feelings, why fight your feelings... I am who I am, I am everything that I am, and I am nothing like others, so to love me is to find the person that I am...
There be more to come, just hang in there...


by jassgurl