12 weeks since the breakup

So after 12 weeks of being broken up with my ex, and for the most part of that spent NC, I've finally started to see things a little more clearly. I almost want to give her a piece of my mind about it really if only to set precidence that the last time I see her, will be the last time I ever want to see her again. I started thinking about all the stupid fights we got into and what we fought about and while I've wavered on the fence on whether she has BPD or I was just saying that to comfort myself through our turmoil (I started thinking that a month and a half before we were even through). To give her the excuse of BPD for all the paces she put me through is kind of like a double edged sword. It means that she isn't just a shitty person, but it also means that her love never really ran as deep for me as she let on.

I started thinking that almost all of our fights stemmed because her insecurities and hypersensitivy to anything that was said. Once the trigger was released than nothing I could say could remedy the situation and we'd have to go to hell and back before anything was resolved, usually hours later. With her it was a constant get away, come back relationship. Tear my head off over something innoculous and when I was heading for the door degrade me until I was gone, but the second I conceded that the relationship was over it was always her begging me for another chance. Yet if I had issues it would always turn into a fight about her and if I said I was getting fed up with things, it never resulted in an apology. Just "fine" or "ok if that's what you want".

What I can't believe is that I was so willing to walk away from her two months before she decided to end it with me and I'm the one that got heart broken out of this. I should have thanked my lucky stars and ran with a new start that I let her think this was her idea anyway. Where did I go wrong? Was I so stupid that I convinced myself that I could tough it out and make it work with this woman because I loved her? And love could prevail over anything? Am I naive or dellusional or what?

Why does it even matter now, Omni? I'll suggest to you as well as so many others to read the book Codependent No More. It's for people who try to control uncontrolable situations and outcomes and who have failed at it.

Let it go, nothing matters now except that you learn a lesson so that you won't repeat and try to control/change/fix people who are obviously damaged. A damaged partner is a red flag that means You need to get away from her/him.

Agree with wakeup. Don't let it bother you no more, mate. The good thing is it ended, doesn't matter how or who did it. It wasn't a great one so had to end to make way for something better. Your ex and things related to her shouldn't matter to you anymore. Now move forward with lessons learnt from this experience. Good luck!