I need a male's take on what's going on...
I have been dating my bf for 8-1/2 months. We met online, I was very up front that I was overweight. I am a size 18. The smallest I have ever been is a size 12. We talked about that I'd like to be healthier, but due to a car wreck, it is hard for me to exercise, so due to pain I get discouraged. But it is something that I do want to do. When we met, the sparks flew! We were so very hot and heavy for the first few months. He told me how beautiful I was, that yes, I could lose some weight, but he thought I was absolute gorgeous and was very much attracted to me.
In April he got really sick, ended up having lung surgery. I moved in to help him with his care as the medicines he had to be on where pretty rough. He spent the summer healing. Over the summer, his two kids came to visit. I bonded with both children very quickly and I not only took care of him but I also took care of them as they were my children, which I do not have any. When his kids were here, his daughter talked about his last ex and how she was a really BIG girl, bigger than me. When she said that, it made me feel a little better and I thought he has a thing for bigger girls.
During the summer, we were not intimate. We went from sex 4x a week, daily touching, kissing and hugging to no sex, a hug in the AM and a few peck kisses. I understand that the recovery was hard on him because of what I have been through, so I have been very patient. Its been really hard to not have him touch me or give me a passionate kiss, but I have tried to respect that he is doing what he has to do to get better.
Now, the kids have gone back and he is back working and on the outside seems back to normal. He says he still hurts and the docs have said that he could hurt for up to 6-8 months after the surgery due to the severity of the procedure. We've had sex twice in the last 3 weeks, both times initiated by him. We still only hug once a day and he still only gives me peck kisses. Yesterday he had to dress up for work. I had never seen him dressed up like that, and I commented how hot and sexy he looked. He said his pants were tight, he needed to lose weight. I reassured him that he looked very good.
I texted him twice that day of how he was on my mind, how sexy he looked when he left for work. When I got home, I showered and waited for him. I was wearing a lace tank top that showed a lot of cleavage and boy short underwear. Instead of him showing any sexual desire to me, he wanted to play scrabble. The thought of him not being attracted to me anymore has been something that has weighed hard on me. He has assured me when I have brought it up before, that the distance he keeps from me is due to his pain and not me.
After our game of scrabble, changed into a t-shirt and pj pants. I got the courage to ask him if he was still attracted to me. I told him how bad I miss him, I miss the touches, the kisses, the everything we had before he got sick. He unconvincingly said he was attracted to me, that I was a beautiful woman, but then told me that my changing moods is what kills the moment. He brought up two instances this weekend when I was impatient and brash as his examples. Then he said he was overweight and needed to lose weight. Then it came to where I was overweight and I needed to lose weight. That he looks at pictures of me when i was in high school and thinks "she can get back to that size". We tried to talk more, but he kept going in weird circles, all ending up where I need to lose weight.
So I don't know how to take this. Is he staying away from me physically because he is not attracted to me because of my changing moods, or because I am overweight. Or is this him trying to cover up something else? I've not changed since we met, my weight has stayed the same.
I miss the man I fell in love with. I miss the man that made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world because he would just stare at me with a smile on his face. I miss being touched, kissed, hugged. Have I lost him for good?
