This has been bothering me for the past five years
This is my first submission here so hey guys. I really wanted to share this with someone.
CAUTION: This is a going to be a really long read so please bear with me.
It all started in around the ninth grade. I met this girl in class, she was like an oasis. Before I go on I have to confess something. I'm not the socially happening guy at school, I've fantasized to be the "Cool" kid but unfortunately I'm not. I'm the guy whose shy, gets good grades and has his strange group of friends. The guy who everyone has seen around but never really bothered to talk to. I don't like being that kind of guy but it's who I am and I owe it mostly to my stammering issue which causes me to stammer whenever I pluck up the courage to speak to a stranger, hence all first impression go down the drain. Apart from that it has caused an immense undermining of my self esteem.
Now that you know a bit about the person I was, or probably still am, you can imagine how hopeless I felt. This girl I liked wasn't even the the eye turner in our class. According to my friends (for I will always maintain she is the most beautiful in the world) she was an average to below average looking person. She was the complete opposite of me, extrovert, popular in school, friends with everyone. Befriending her wasn't the toughest job in school and so I leaped at my desire and befriended her, with more intense motives behind it.
Years passed and we occasionally talked in class. She never dated apart from a few flings that ended as quickly as they had begun, just gossip flying around school. After three years in the same grade, we eventually parted. She went to a different school and I stayed in the same place, where everywhere I looked, her memories haunted me.
We never exchanged numbers. I had no way to contact her except for Facebook and she wasn't very active there either. It was than that I decided to confide in a friend about my feelings. Someone I knew was good friends with her. He couldn't do much unfortunately since things had gone sour between my friend and her recently. I was caved in and desperate and decided to take things in my own hands. That was perhaps my mistake, but I saw no other door.
With the consult of my friend I took her number from his phone and sent a message to her like a creepy stalker and told her who I was. If she was displeased, she had a good way of hiding it. She responded warmly and we had a gone on to texting terms. At that point I craved to get a text from her; anything, something. I would try to send her jokes and quotes and a lot of other fun stuff I handpicked off of the internet or books. If I would hear anything fun or interesting I would save it on my notes to entertain her with when we talked. I tried petty attempts to strike a conversation but they usually ended with her giving me a ":)" to which I could base no reply on or a "ttyl I have to go bye!"
She didn't have problems with not talking to me for days even weeks but a little part of me died each time I got a text to find it was not from her.
I don't know if I should tell you or if it matters but I could never masturbate over her. You know, when you find someone beautiful (model, actress etc) you find a picture and jerk off. All set, no need to think over her till the next urge to fap. Every time I thought about I just couldn't. She just seems so pure to me, as if I couldn't defile her.
I couldn't take it anymore, I knew as the days passed she was drifting away from me and so I had to something. I didn't know, anything. Something that would make her remember me. I did the most pathetic a guy could. I regret it and would have done it other way. I told her about my feelings over a text message. I know, I know, instantly killed my chances. I got no reply from her, I thought it was the end. But the next time we met (a few days later) she asked to talk to me privately. I was a nervous wreck. I won't lie, I was braced to be rejected. But being an angel she was, she did it gracefully. She told me straightforward that she had no intention to date and she thought I was a sweet person. She said that maybe one day in the future when she was up to it, she might reconsider all of it but for now she didn't time for a relationship in her life. It all seems like it went better than expected right? WRONG. In a sense she did the cruelest thing possible. She left hope. It was that hope that did not allow me to get over with it and move on to more fish in the sea. It was that hope that flourished in my heart and festered it, causing me to cling on to the past. Now that I think about it, I really wish she would have just been rude and mean about it, I would've thought ill of her and move on with my life. But things changed a bit from there on, we began to text more frequently and she began to open up to me more. She confided in me issues and problems she was facing and I would always always support her to the best of my abilities. People say I give good advice, I pulled all the stops to help her out. As my friend later told me, "She got the good parts of a relationship without being in one." Hence another two years passed like so, I became a bit rehabilitated. I could go on for days without stopping to think about her. Despite being in different schools she would text me to to pick her up and we would wander around town in my car talking about stuff and shit, something that was big deal because amongst our group of kids it meant that you were dating. But we both knew we were "just friends". She would often text me first (something that made me feel like the God of all women when she did at the start of our texting period). I spent these two years trying to improve myself not for her (okay maybe a little bit) but for myself. I lost weight, changed my look became more socially active etc.
Than we spiraled towards university, we both got admission into the most prestigious institution in the country (did I forgot to mention she was kinda smart too).
She started kinda flirting with me on text messaging and I tried to follow through, sometimes she would try to bring up the topic "me liking her" in our conversations to which I would shrug off and try to hint I was over her (so not true). She would than be amazed and start acting all sad and stuff to which I would admit that maybe I still liked her a bit. Afterwards she would just pass the whole incident as teasing me for fun and stuff. I don't what she's trying to pull here, if she finally liked me why doesn't she just say so? And if she doesn't she would never bring up the past, would she?
My friends think it's because she uses me to make herself feel better. I really hope that's not the case but I could be wrong.
Don't worry guys, it's coming to a close. Flash forward to the present. University just started. During the first day, I see her after months (Summer vacation put us physically apart). We say hi and run with our respective groups. During the evening I get a text from her and we both meet up on campus. Take a stroll around the place and talk about stuff. At first it's family and than friends and than finally she talks about wanting to date seniors and stuff. At this point I pull out my fake smile, something I've mastered while being with her. I try to act unfazed but my heart screams inside. I'm back to the kid I was five years ago, all that convincing myself and counseling from my friends might have never happened. I ask her who she has in mind and she names a few, I silently write their names on my death list (lol jk, I don't have one).
It's been a day since the incident. I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to let her go but the other part is convincing me that I'll regret it forever. Staying friends with her now is impossible if I see her running around dating other guys. I don't know what to do. I'm going to be completely honest now about my feelings , something I haven't been with a lot of people: I feel she'll be okay without me but I won't. If I stop being friends, she'll forget me in a bit but I'll always have her stuck in my head. I'll be the guy whose 30, single with a great job but no one to spend my time and money with. She'll have a great family and husband (who wont be me). I have all this love locked inside and I want to shower her with it. I fantasize about the different sweet lovely stuff (bake an cake on anniversaries etc) I'd do for her if she only let me. I love her. She's the most ordinary person in the world but to me she is everything. The epitome of all the things I want from someone.
I could go on but I'm starting to tear up and I don't want anyone to barge into my room to find me sobbing in front of a computer.
So I ask you, what should I do?
I just wanted to let all of it out. If you read all of this, I am forever indebted to you and you're an awesome awesome person.
