The Struggle for What I want

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09-09-11, 07:28 PM
Unique

The Struggle for What I want

Hello, I'm in need of advice here.

I play a video game online, I won't name it here, but in the clan I'm in, there is a girl that I've recently started talking to a lot more. I've known her for about 9 months, but we recently got closer to the point of where we're sharing personal information and stuff. She seemed interested in me to the point where I was returning the favor. During this I opened up that I suffer from depression and anxiety attacks and she didn't mind. We continued to flirt and such. During the exchange of information, she told me she was 32 and I'm 19. I'm fine with the age difference. She likes to travel a lot, and is only a state away. I asked her if she'd ever want to visit me. She said she'd think about it. A few days later, I asked her if she would ever consider dating someone my age, and she said that she had to come clean as she was trying to feel guilty about it. She told me she was really 34. I had no problem with this, again. But I was upset because it didn't matter how old she was, but she felt the need to hide her age. She said when she told me her age, she didn't think we'd end up connecting and sharing information like we had been, and she wasn't proud of where she was and felt the need to lie about her age. I told her I liked her for who she was, not how old she was. But she seemed to think I was more upset than I was. I then asked again, if she'd ever consider dating someone my age, and she said, she would do it. She said before we met irl, she'd need to take defense lessons, which she explain, and I understood in today's world.

My questions are:
How should I pursue this relationship?
Should I have been madder than what I was?
How can I make this relationship into a relationship?
Do you think she'll visit me?
Is it strange for the age difference?
And finally, if it does happen, how do I go about telling my parents?
09-09-11, 10:02 PM
Incognito

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unique [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My questions are:
How should I pursue this relationship?(1)
Should I have been madder than what I was?(2)
How can I make this relationship into a relationship?(3)
Do you think she'll visit me?(4)
Is it strange for the age difference?(5)
And finally, if it does happen, how do I go about telling my parents?(6)

1 - Well if you got this far by talking to someone on WOW, or whatever it may be, then continue this way until you meet.

2 - Usually I'd say that lying is a bad indicator, but women are particularly sensitive about their ages. Not to mention that she was only off by two years, not a big deal. The short answer is "no", in my opinion.

3 - Making this into a real relationship will be up to you two and will be influenced by many factors. You have to ask yourself "Will I be fine with dating/marrying someone who will be 40 when I'm 25?" You also SERIOUSLY need to ask yourself if this attraction exists mainly because you have depression/anxiety and have a stunted social life. Being in a relationship will get you out of your living space and around other people. If you are only attracted to her because of your current isolated situation the attraction will end once you have a social life, which isn't fair to her. Do you even know what she looks like, or are you just having conversations?

4 - Only she knows if she'll visit you or not. Taking defense classes sounds like a long process when simple solutions like tazers and stun guns exist. It sounds like she is buying a bit of time to either get to know you better or really consider the situation more closely.

5 - No the age difference isn't [strange], but the odds are stacked against such a relationship being accepted by others and against such a relationship surviving (especially given your circumstances).

6 - As far as your parents go I wouldn't tell them anything until you know for sure that you will be having a long term relationship with this woman. Telling them that you are [in] a relationship with someone near their age might be a little easier to take than you telling them "yeah I met this 34 year old woman online and I'm gonna meet her soon".

Based on a number of things (and a few missing pieces of information) I really don't think you will have a healthy relationship if you start this. Until you answer me I'll assume that you haven't actually seen this woman, which isn't good. At age 34 I wouldn't expect a reasonable attractive woman to be playing an online game for months and chatting up a 19 year old, let alone developing feelings for a 19 year old. You live with your parents, have no prospects, and are 19. Sorry for the bluntness, but it is what it is. At her age women are typically seeking a man who can take care of them, or at least help take care of them. You are still a teenager, have not even proven that you can take care of yourself yet, and have a few personal problems that you need to get a handle on.

Even if you did live on your own and didn't have depression/anxiety the distance is no good. Distance kills healthy relationships between people who have a lot more in common than you and this woman. Again, this could work, but there is so much stacked against it not working. I realize that you might be lonely, but you have to be honest with yourself and this woman.
09-09-11, 11:02 PM
bulrush

- How should I pursue this relationship?
Any way you want. Well, go slowly. Don't fall in love right away. Make sure she is not crazy or something.

- Should I have been madder than what I was?
Why would we tell you act other than who you are? What is the point of not being yourself?

- How can I make this relationship into a relationship?
It's not a relationship until it's a relationship. Long distance relationships (LDRs) can be difficult because any relationship requires personal contact (meeting in person) to maintain.

- Do you think she'll visit me?
Don't know.

- Is it strange for the age difference?
Not if it's a healthy relationship. But the bigger the age difference, the less likely you are to have things in common. Young people want to try new things and party. But maybe she is going through her "young" phase at age 34. It happens. Even though women are senstive about their age, it is no excuse for lying. Try to sneak a peak at her driver's license sometime when she is in the bathroom or something. Find her real date of birth.

- And finally, if it does happen, how do I go about telling my parents?
Well, if she comes over the your place, then tell your parents before she comes over. Don't mention her age though.
09-09-11, 11:25 PM
devonbrown

Quote:

My questions are:
How should I pursue this relationship?
Should I have been madder than what I was?
How can I make this relationship into a relationship?
Do you think she'll visit me?
Is it strange for the age difference?
And finally, if it does happen, how do I go about telling my parents?

1) There is no relationship to pursue at this point. You are still just chatting online with this person.
2) I don't think you should have been more mad that she lied about her age. She owes you nothing at this point. Just because you opened up completely to her doesn't mean she owed it to you to open up completely. You are just a guy at the other end of the internet right now. And frankly, so could she. She could be a 50 year old married guy for all you really know.
3) You can't MAKE something into a relationship. If you are meant to be, then it will develop at its own pace.
4) Honestly, no. I don't think she will visit you. I think "she" is just playing around. Sorry.
5) At your age, the age difference is a bit of a concern. Just because you are in a different place in your life than she is. In ten years, that age difference might not be as big of a deal.
6) Worry about this only if you ever get to that point.

I hate to burst your bubble, but I honestly think this is nothing. Pursue relationships/dating partners near you. And go out and live your life. You only have the one.

Good luck.
09-09-11, 11:36 PM
smackie9

First off.......(BTW I play an one line game too for the last 4 years) knowing someone over the net and knowing someone irl are two totally different things. Over the net people are shrouded in mystery, so your imagination takes over and starts to create this person who you think you know everything about, but in reality you don't. It's your fantasy, created in your own head, they are not who you think they are. You and millions of other have been sucked up into this phenomenon.

If you want to explore your options, get to know her on Skype and webcam it. It will help take away some of the imaginary image you have of her. If that goes well, then do meet up irl. You are a big boy now, your parents don't need to know anything because you are considered an adult. You can make your own decisions on who you want to date. Now for the reality check......What she wants at this time in her life and what you want in your life will have conflict. You are just at the beginning of your adulthood, too young to be thinking about marriage, kids, mortgage and career. Her on the other hand, probably already has kids or wants kids soon, been married, or is looking for that lifestyle eventually. Second she lives in another state, travels a lot, and here you are still living at home, probably don't own a car or have a good paying job.

You can't have a relationship on love alone, there are many details, like priorities, goals and responsibilities that are a crucial part that comes into play when having an adult relationship.

If anything you meet up, have some occasional lustful sex, and then it will be over.....she will move on.