Cannot get over him

More then 2years and a half, my boyfriend left me. I understand the reasons why. I was really sick at that time. I am bipolar and tried to killed myself on the new year eve's. He had enough to keep up with all my mood swing, even if he was really loving me. Maybe it had a other reason behind it. We were swingers, we few days before my suicide attempt, we had a 3 somes with a stripper. When he told me he had enough of me, I had a feeling she was a possiblity why. Even when he tell me he didn't left me for her, I still feel I was dump for her. I have a hate feeling against her.

Few months later leaving me, it was official, they moved in together. When he start seing her, we were still having sex sometimes. After he decide to stop, but this last only few months before we restart sleeping together.It's already 2 y that when we see each other for business matther, we end up sleeping together. I even did follow him on 2 business trips while she stay home with her own kids.

When I look in the eyes of my ex, I still see the fire. I still see is love toward me. He say that he is happy with her that he have no intention to leave her, (even if he complain that she have no styles, no personnality, me I had too much personnality before getting on med... :sad2:) I believe I really scared him with suicide attempt and my terrible mood swings I had in the past. When I listen his best friend, he tell me she is not the one for him, and they willn't finish they live together. I don't like when his friend tell me this kind of things, cause it give me hope, but in one way I try to forget him, but cannot resist him. The poor small time that he give me, it's enough to pick me up in the roughest day. When I don't see him in some period of kind of 2 weeks, I get depress, sad. I feel I cannot move on. I know in one way, I should just move on and tried to stop seing him(but kind of difficult cause business matther) but in one way, I don't want to lose the smallest time I can be with him. I'm so sad and cannot figure out what to do.....

2years and half that I'm crying everyday over him.....