Please read... Need major advice, feel all alone
I'm new to the forum and this is my first post. I know it's a long read but please, please take the time and help me out. Any advice is appreciated.
I'm 29 years old and my girlfriend is 27. We first met at our workplace. I live in California and she lives in Texas. The company we work for sent me to Texas as they were short staffed and that is where we met. We met in Sept 2009 and by January 2010 we were dating. The relationship was going great. I spent most of my time with her and would sleep over any chance I got. We took trips to LA (she is a lakers fan) and also to her native country to met her mom. The company decided it was time for me to leave and in Sept 2010 I left Georiga. We decided to continue the relationship long distance. By this time she had said she loved me and I had said it back. We both love each other dearly. During the long distance period we would send each other cards and texts and talk for hours. I would send her flowers for not apparent reason, just a "thinking of you." She flew out to see me a few times and I did the same. We would see each other at least a weekend a month. This went on for about 3 months. In Feb 2011 I was sent back to Georgia to work and I spent a total of about 4 months there. It was awesome as I would be in the same city as her and everything was great.
For the longest time before I initially left in 2010, she brought up the idea of me moving out to Georgia to be with her. I was not ready to committ to that due to several factors in my life at the time. I reassured her that I wanted to be with her but I just could not move to Georgia. I did ask her if she wanted to move to California and for several reasons she was hesitant to do so. We both agreed to continue the long distance relationship. Anyway, so in June 2011 I had to leave Georiga again because the company had met its goals. In July I flew her out to Las Vegas for her birthday. It was an awesome time. After Vegas, I took a trip to to visit my grandmother and spend time with her as I had been putting it off for 2 years and she was very supportive. During that time, we would skype and talk on the phone almost nightly. When it was time to come back instead of flying to California I flew out to Georgia to see her for a week. Again times were great and I enjoyed every minute. I would have stayed longer but due to a work related situation I had to come back to California. She again was understandable and supportive.
About 2 weeks ago she was sent to another office in Georgia. I wanted to surprise her by sending flowers to her hotel. I didn't know where she was staying as she had only been there for a day or two. She had mentioned the name of the hotel but not the address. So I remembered one time she had asked me to go into her email and print out her homework. I remembered her password so I went in to get the address for her hotel. I did not do it with the intention to snoop but I found an email where she was talking to some guy and exchanging pictures. The email was explicit to the point where she wanted him to visit and basically have sex. I was devastated when I read it. I have not been perfect either and I have hurt her in the past. I was with someone else but I regret it to this day and I have done everything in my power to regain her trust. I have done everything in my power to reassure her that she is the one for me and it was a mistake being with someone else, a one night stand type of thing. I also admitted to it without her finding out some other way. So I called her and confronted her, asked who the guy was. She told me she had met him at a bar and all they had done was kiss, but my the content in the email it made me wonder. She assured me she was not going to go through with her inviting him and she would never sleep with him. I told her if she had feelings for him as the emails had been going on for weeks, she said no.. But to me, with the emails going on for weeks made me thing there were feelings involved. She told me it wasn't the case. The day after we talked again and I asked her if she had talked to the guy to explain that she had a boyfriend and whatever they had going on had to stop. She told me she had not because he had not contacted her. This pissed me off since it would have been the first thing I thought she would do. We decided we needed to see each other so I went to see her. This was last week. During that time she told me that she had contacted the guy and explained things and there was no more contact between them. She never really gave me that reassurance that she wouldn't do it again and acted as if it was no big deal. During that time I told her I was ready to take the next step which was to move to Texas and be with her, mind you this is what she wanted all this time and now I was ready to take that step. I realized that I had to live my life and be happy because the other factors would always be there and I love her so much that I wanted to be with her in the same state. So the week when by and I came back to California. We texted daily and I reassured her I loved her and she told me she loved me. I sent her an arrangement last Wednesday and she told me she loved it. She said she showed it to her friends and was going to put it up on Facebook. I told her she didn't have to lie because I knew she wouldn't do it. We have been going out for about 2 years and only has 1 picture of me and it's just me standing there. She has more pictures of her friends than her boyfriend. When I told her this she got defensive and said she didn't want to talk anymore. Also, the guy she met is still her on her page as a friend. We hung up and that night she went out with her friends. She texted me when she got back just to let me know she was back. The following day she called me and we talked about our relationship. She told me she needed space. That night however she texted me. I responsed since I didn't want her to think I didn't want anything anymore. So last Saturday, she calls me and tells me that she needs a break. She said she needs time to figure things out. I just don't understand what made her change her mind so suddenly. I know she loves me and I love her. My fear is that she tasted freedom with that guy and wants to experience new things. She has told me there is no other guy in her life and her intention is not to break up with me but rather just clear her head and figure things out. She has had man-issues in the past, violent BFs, father not around. I don't know what to make of it. I find myself crying myself to sleep, wake up at 4am, can't sleep, can't function due to the thought of losing her. She texted me last night saying she misses me and hopes we can get trough this. I don't know what to do.
Is it possible that we can reconcile or is our relationship doomed? What should I do? I don't want to lose her. Could it be that she just wants to clear her mind? Am I reading too much into it? I'm fully committed to her and I see a future with her. She has told me time and time again that she sees a future with me as well.
I'm in pain and need some advice.
