I *think* I love my bestfriend.
I'm a guy, and this is going to be a long and serious post. If you think you cannot truly help, OR will simply write something like "just go for it man you'll never know till you try :))))" then just leave right now. I want real help, not support or pressure.
Anyway, to get started, I've known this girl for about a year and a half/2 years. Ever since we met, I've liked her. More than anyone else. I clicked with her, I loved talking to her, went out of my way to spend time with her whenever I could, did everything I could to make her laugh and to try to get her to like me. Anyway, eventually word spread that I liked her. I told a few of my "trusting" friends and before you know it, she knows I like her and things started to get awkward for her (I didn't know this at the time of course, I found out a few months later). So when I realized she was avoiding me I kind of got the message. I didn't stop talking to her though. I couldn't, no matter how weird I seemed to her.
So as time went on, by the time summer hit she was over it, but I wasn't. I acted as though I didn't like her, but I still did. I was getting intimate with this other girl, so that probably lead her to think that I didn't like her anymore. Well I did, and this girl knew that going into the relationship with me. She knew I had conflicting feelings. After like a month and half we broke up. Still talking to this girl who I call my bestfriend, still like her just as much. Ever since this point in time, it was some time in July, I've wanted to tell her how I feel. I just figured she never felt the same, so I didn't have the strength too. Time passed and we spent a lot of the summer together and became even closer of course. I was one of the only people who treated her so genuinely sweet, I think. She liked me a lot as a friend. I still liked her so much more. My feelings grew, and sooner or later I was at a point where I'd get jealous of every guy she'd talk to/about/with, whether it was a celebrity, just a good friend, ex-boyfriend, or someone ugly. It was hard for me to handle, but I couldn't let it slip that I felt the way I did - not again. Because if I did it could ruin our relationship if she didn't feel the same way.
So the school year hits. High School. I had no classes with her, and this upset me. But I spent as much time I can with her. Eventually we learned each other's route around school, and we'd have this one general place where we met and talked for 3 or so minutes. After her spanish class she'd walk down the hall into the intersection, as would I after my Math class. We'd hold hands and continue down the hall until we had to split up. She always knew me as a clingy type and she got used to it, so I don't think she thought anything of it. I would always kiss her in the cheek before I left, but it became natural, a best friend type thing I suppose. I also had lunch with her brother, who was 2 years older than us. I sat with him, and every now and then he would make some remark, jokingly as it seemed, to "**** [his] sister" or "go out with [his] sister". I never knew what this meant - he told her I liked her one time a while ago, so he knew. I wasn't sure if he was mocking me for this, or if he was serious because she liked me too but didn't want to say anything or something.
Another thing here is she always complained to me about this other kid. She liked this kid. She would always tell me how much she liked him, got jealous of the other girls, the times she hung out with him, all their experiences, how she would love to kiss him, etc. So this kind of lead me off as well. Everytime she mentioned this kid, it killed me. I was friends with him too, so it was weird and I got insanely jealous. The amount of times I heard about him was unbearable. One of the moments that really killed me is when me and her went to a party. She drank a little, I stayed sober that night. The other kid got drunk. He came over and of course flirts with her, and she's dying inside with love. He leaves for a couple minutes and she comes over to talk to me and after a while she's about to go back to him, so I tried to hug and kiss her like I always do and she pushes me off and gets incredibly mad. I was angry too, as she always told me how much she loves me and I'm her bestfriend but as soon as this guy comes she treats me like any other. This lead me off even more. Then of course, he kissed her on the cheek and her reaction is to be clingy and not leave him alone for the rest of the night. What else was I to do? Be a party-pooper? Ruin the moment? Embarrass myself? Make her un-happy? I decided to leave her there, she was ecstatic with him, I couldn't bare to see it but it's what she wanted, so my friend drove me home.
Couple months pass by, we're still friends, I still like her. I like her a lot more of course. Another situation that happened was when she was with a a girl friend of hers, and they stopped by their friends house who is a guy. As far as I knew, she had no feelings for this guy intimately. I knew that she thought he was cute and really attractive. But she always told me she was the one to only make out with someone, or even kiss on the lips, if she truly had feelings for him. Then, a couple days later I'm at lunch with her brother and he's talking about how as a "joke" he girl friend took a picture of them making out, and as they left her brother would come and the girl who took the picture would show her brother to piss him off. But we're a weird group of a friends, and he didn't care and proceeded to walk into the house of the guy his sister just hooked up with. Anyway what I'm trying to get at with THIS is that I didn't know she was like that. This tore me up when I heard it, I was flabbergasted and spoke almost nothing to her for a week. She never found out how jealous I was about this because it'd be weird for her to know.
So after a couple more months we get into a fight. Probably the worst fight we've ever had as friends. We insulted each other inevitably, and stopped talking for a well 3 months. Basically, the entire summer. One day she messages me. We apologize. I confess that I missed her more than ever and I wanted to fix everything. She agreed and confessed how much she missed me. I was incredibly happy. Due to restraints, the soonest we were able to hang out was the next week. When I saw her, things were different. I enjoyed talking to her, I missed it immensely. But she didn't want to hold my hand like she used to. Avoided my kiss that I always gave her each day. But I figured it was simply that she wasn't used to it yet.
Well now it's been a while. About a week into school, so it's been maybe 3 weeks to a month since we "reunited". Since this, things have been different. We've been talking a lot, but she isn't the same. She uses short answers, seems upset half the time when I think she isn't, and she treats me like I've changed when I haven't. I act the same way I always did and say the same exact things. I know she's going through a multitude of personal things in her life, but that can't be it. I think, at least...
So I've tried to calm down with talking to her. I'm hoping to downgrade her to just a friend. I keep hoping to myself that this will make me lose interest in her. But I also keep thinking that this isn't the best course of action. I don't want to lose her, so why would I do this? I really need help guys. I don't want to just be told to "go for it". I told you all of this not to waste my time, but so you know our background, how I feel about her, what situation I'm in and how I should deal with it. She means a godawful amount more to me than just any other girl. I need real help.
To anyone that ACTUALLY read this, thank you. Really. It was nice venting!
