stubborn hard headed wife

So I'm not liking how this last day played out. My wife and I just had our first big fight and it lasted about 24 hours for the most part. I'll keep this short as possible.

I'm deployed so 10 hours ahead of her and had just woken up yesterday (tuesday night US time) she tells me that her ex bf (from 2 years ago) sent her a friend request on facebook and she accepted it, she asked why and he said cause he was bored. I told her I was uncomfortable with it and she responded telling me you don't need to worry about anything with him and that if it made me feel better she didnt care if I added him... So this turned into more because I was still uncomfortable with it and she started to get upset with me because I guess her telling me I had nothing to worry about should have been enough to calm me in her mind.

She went to bed that night kinda ticked off but we weren't at each others throats, so this morning my time (wed night her time) she said she messaged him to tell him he should add me on facebook which he did in her words because "he was pissing her husband off". So I said I'm still not comfortable with it and she asked me to drop it so I asked her if my opinions or feelings about things matter to her at all and this made her basically blow up and was sick of me bringing this up and I am acting like she is hiding things.

It went on and on cause I wanted her to come to some kind of compromise with me and show me my feelings in the matter meant something. She told me if I kept freaking out like this she would leave and eventually I decided to drop it since I don't feel this is worth splitting over.

She has always been an extremely independent person so she isn't used to other people's opinions being important in what she does. I don't know if she would have seriously stuck to it if I said fine leave or if a few days of no talking would have made ger think differently.

I guess I kinda wanna know who was right or wrong in this situation I guess plus venting

Why exactly weren't you comfortable with it in the first place?

From what you have expressed about your relationship with your wife, it seems to me that she doesn't feel trusted. If she is doing nothing wrong and you can't trust her then in a way how you feel in this instance is only going to antagonise her because she feels you don't trust her and that is all she is hearing. Who's right or wrong in this instance doesn't matter. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? If you want to be happy, relax and let it go. Avoid spending the time you are deployed creating arguments and let her be the independent person she is.

Actually, your feelings and opinions do matter to her. That is why she didn't add him on FB. You're actually the one who does not feel contented with her actions and started saying some stuff that were unnecessary. From what I can see, she got ticked off because she felt controlled BUT gave in to your request. That is her honoring you as a husband.

That's true I may have shown that she doesn't feel trusted which is probably true that she feels that way. I don't mean to imply that to her, I trust her more than anyone I have ever been with or any friend and I let my past effect my trust too much. Words mean nothing to me since a girl that I had been with for a year and a half and was my only girl I loved before my wife now, I stopped having faith in the words of people when one night while we were on the outs, taking a break cause it had fallen apart this girl who would have a heart attack if anyone brought up marriage because she was scared of marriage etc (been with her new guy 5 years and never getting married) told me that I was the only person she had ever though of marrying... not even 2 hours later I found out she was messing around with the guy she is with now. This does invade my life now when it comes to trusts I try to control but it makes me on edge always with things like this.

My biggest problem though was her total disregard for my opinions and feelings on it like its her way or the highway, do you think that stems from her feeling untrusted?

Nerdy Guy - she did accept his friend request, then messaged him to add me as well

I stand corrected. thank you for clearing that up. But you have to see that she made her intentions clear, that she wants you to keep tabs on their conversation on FB so that you'll know if she's messing around. That is the reason why she wants the guy to add you. To show you that she can be trusted. I understand that its hard to trust again once you get hurt. But what you're doing is punishing your wife for something your ex has done and that is not fair. She hasn't cheated on you and she shouldn't be treated like she has.

you're right and you guys have helped me see where I was wrong and now I feel terrible. I want to apologize to her more but I think the best thing for me to do is just going to be show it in my actions because thats what I trust in anyway. I guess when she wanted him to add me to facebook the thought that went through my head was that if something was to happen I doubt all their communication would be on each others walls it would be messages and phone. I have some serious trust issues I guess when my thoughts go to that.