What does this mean? If anything?

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20-09-11, 06:33 PM
lace

What does this mean? If anything?

Alright, so this has been haunting with me for quite a while. I could really use any advice that I can get, I think that I am running out of time. I tried not to make this too long, but some of the details are necessary! :/

Okay, so there is this guy I have known him for almost four years (we'll call him Henry). After we became good friends, Henry introduced me to his best friend (J) and me and J ended up going out. If this initially bothered Henry, he hid it well. During the relationship, I went to Henry a lot for advice. It didn't bother me at the time, but thinking back on it, Henry had always given me very pessimistic answers and undermined how J felt about me (always saying that J and I weren't a great match, blah). It was whatever at the time, until things in the relationship began to deteriorate. J became paranoid about my relationships with other guys and got worse and worse about every situation. We fought about it a lot. Henry was no help at all. Eventually, J and I broke up over it. Months later, I found out that Henry had fed false rumours to J, telling J that I had treated him badly and that I was flirting with other guys and basically caused the friction for our break up.

When I found out, I hated him for it. I cut off communication with him and became outright hostile. We stopped talking completely. That's when the staring started. We take the same train home every day (and occasionally see him at parties because we have mutual friends) and he always stares. We're always in the same carriage, and no matter where I sit or how far, if he's got a view, he'll stare at me. Some of the time, he'll make a pretense of looking at something else, but most of the time it's just blatant staring.

A few months after, Henry got a girlfriend. I didn't find out until they were a few months into their relationship. But when I did, I was jealous. Not livid. But strangely possessive. Like the girl had taken something that wasn't hers. Sometime during the jealousy and the hating that I had had, I think I began to like him. They were always feelings that have been with me - confusing, cloudy. It has been three years since then, and Henry and that girl have broken up after almost one and half years of dating. The staring had not stopped all the way through their relationship, still. And I think my feelings have intensified.

Eventually, Henry said sorry. It was two years after the actual break up. By then I was pretty much over it, but an apology was still profound for me. I told him that I was basically over it and that we could be friends. We tried to do that, but it never worked. We had strange tension (sexual?) every time we talked and I could tell that being friends wasn't really going to work for us. This eventually diminished back into not talking. But the staring, intense staring, never stopped. And still hasn't.

It wasn't until now that I realised that Henry was something to me that no other guy could be. I dated a lot of guys in between then and now but every time I got out of a relationship, my mind would go back to Henry. It took me this long to realise that I might possibly be in love with him.

Sometimes I feel like there's a lot to go on, but it's just staring and a break-up back a few years ago and little things in between. I don't know if this is enough for me, but I think I will confess to him sometime soon. It has been almost four years of feelings that have never left me and I'd like to think, feelings on his side too. Neither of us have said anything, but I'm tired of waiting for something to happen. So I'm going to take the initiative. Is there a possibility he could feel something for me?

Sorry for all the long details and thanks for reading! Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated :)
20-09-11, 07:49 PM
Dolmetscher

I'd say there is a strong possibility that he has feelings for you. He was obviously into you when you started dating his friend. And by the way... never do that again. It is the most cruel thing a woman can do. You girls may have these strange competitive, love-hate frenemy - type relationships with each other, where you love each other to pieces one minute, but the next you think she is a fat cow that doesn't know when to shut up. But us guys... leave our friendships alone. Granted, this J tool-bag is also to blame, and you should have seen that any @$$hole that is lame enough to date a guy that his buddy was into, is not made from a very strong piece of moral fiber. And I'm sure you figured that out in the end.

But now thing about Henry. He fed you bad vibes when you were dating his mate. And he fed his mate bad info to try to disturb your situation. First of all, you should have your cool-card revoked for going to a guy for advise about dating his friend. What's wrong with you. But second of all... Henry isn't looking like a solid bro himself. And the staring...? Why are we even having this discussion. He's a creeper. Is there not one single guy in your town that isn't an immature, butt-hurt, creepster?

Take a hard look at the choices you've made in the past, and ask yourself if you really have feeling for any of these guys, or if it is just some selfish ego thing. You seem to like what you shouldn't have. Hit the brakes, and be alone for a long time. Get to know yourself. Go to the movies and on trips alone. Hang out with your girls! I will always say that you can't be worth a damn to a man, if you don't have a serious set of true girlfriends.
20-09-11, 07:53 PM
bulrush

I think Henry does like you, but I also think he is a nut for staring at you. What kind of stare was it? Did he look angry, or just thoughtful? Anyone that would spread false rumors to hurt someone is someone to be avoided. He will continue to do stuff like that, because he thinks it's ok to do so.

Date him, and you will eventually find I'm right.
20-09-11, 08:25 PM
Gypsybell

Quote:

Originally Posted by lace [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Alright, so this has been haunting with me for quite a while. I could really use any advice that I can get, I think that I am running out of time. I tried not to make this too long, but some of the details are necessary! :/

Okay, so there is this guy I have known him for almost four years (we'll call him Henry). After we became good friends, Henry introduced me to his best friend (J) and me and J ended up going out. If this initially bothered Henry, he hid it well. During the relationship, I went to Henry a lot for advice. It didn't bother me at the time, but thinking back on it, Henry had always given me very pessimistic answers and undermined how J felt about me (always saying that J and I weren't a great match, blah). It was whatever at the time, until things in the relationship began to deteriorate. J became paranoid about my relationships with other guys and got worse and worse about every situation. We fought about it a lot. Henry was no help at all. Eventually, J and I broke up over it. Months later, I found out that Henry had fed false rumours to J, telling J that I had treated him badly and that I was flirting with other guys and basically caused the friction for our break up.

When I found out, I hated him for it. I cut off communication with him and became outright hostile. We stopped talking completely. That's when the staring started. We take the same train home every day (and occasionally see him at parties because we have mutual friends) and he always stares. We're always in the same carriage, and no matter where I sit or how far, if he's got a view, he'll stare at me. Some of the time, he'll make a pretense of looking at something else, but most of the time it's just blatant staring.

A few months after, Henry got a girlfriend. I didn't find out until they were a few months into their relationship. But when I did, I was jealous. Not livid. But strangely possessive. Like the girl had taken something that wasn't hers. Sometime during the jealousy and the hating that I had had, I think I began to like him. They were always feelings that have been with me - confusing, cloudy. It has been three years since then, and Henry and that girl have broken up after almost one and half years of dating. The staring had not stopped all the way through their relationship, still. And I think my feelings have intensified.

Eventually, Henry said sorry. It was two years after the actual break up. By then I was pretty much over it, but an apology was still profound for me. I told him that I was basically over it and that we could be friends. We tried to do that, but it never worked. We had strange tension (sexual?) every time we talked and I could tell that being friends wasn't really going to work for us. This eventually diminished back into not talking. But the staring, intense staring, never stopped. And still hasn't.

It wasn't until now that I realised that Henry was something to me that no other guy could be. I dated a lot of guys in between then and now but every time I got out of a relationship, my mind would go back to Henry. It took me this long to realise that I might possibly be in love with him.

Sometimes I feel like there's a lot to go on, but it's just staring and a break-up back a few years ago and little things in between. I don't know if this is enough for me, but I think I will confess to him sometime soon. It has been almost four years of feelings that have never left me and I'd like to think, feelings on his side too. Neither of us have said anything, but I'm tired of waiting for something to happen. So I'm going to take the initiative. Is there a possibility he could feel something for me?

Sorry for all the long details and thanks for reading! Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated :)

I drew cards for you (since I am a gypsy) 3 only, signifying past present and future and in the immediacy of a few months at most. The past clearly shows the feelings of being tied to issues of control and hostility yet unable to discard what is entirely in your mind, This smacks of sexual tension, and is linked to the 10 of cups, the present card. tThis is a most fotunate card re a relationship of the heart, signitying the moment befor a new beginning that will be most satisfying. And it links to the 2 of cups (hearts) as the future card which signifies a loving union . I would venture to say there's a fair chance you and "Henry" have a long overdue agenda to sort. And it may well be the reall thing. In which case, be glad it took so long and all the wild oats got sown. Your timing now may be perfect. I wish you well. Do let us know how you fare.
20-09-11, 08:52 PM
bulrush

Well, give Henry a try and date him, but watch out for red flags. Like him controlling you, angry outbursts, too much jealousy, etc. This may indeed be a necessary path in your life, like Gypsybell said, in order for you to learn an important lesson. An important lesson learned does not necessarily mean you will stay with him forever.
21-09-11, 06:53 PM
lace

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dolmetscher [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'd say there is a strong possibility that he has feelings for you. He was obviously into you when you started dating his friend. And by the way... never do that again. It is the most cruel thing a woman can do. You girls may have these strange competitive, love-hate frenemy - type relationships with each other, where you love each other to pieces one minute, but the next you think she is a fat cow that doesn't know when to shut up. But us guys... leave our friendships alone. Granted, this J tool-bag is also to blame, and you should have seen that any @$$hole that is lame enough to date a guy that his buddy was into, is not made from a very strong piece of moral fiber. And I'm sure you figured that out in the end.

But now thing about Henry. He fed you bad vibes when you were dating his mate. And he fed his mate bad info to try to disturb your situation. First of all, you should have your cool-card revoked for going to a guy for advise about dating his friend. What's wrong with you. But second of all... Henry isn't looking like a solid bro himself. And the staring...? Why are we even having this discussion. He's a creeper. Is there not one single guy in your town that isn't an immature, butt-hurt, creepster?

Take a hard look at the choices you've made in the past, and ask yourself if you really have feeling for any of these guys, or if it is just some selfish ego thing. You seem to like what you shouldn't have. Hit the brakes, and be alone for a long time. Get to know yourself. Go to the movies and on trips alone. Hang out with your girls! I will always say that you can't be worth a damn to a man, if you don't have a serious set of true girlfriends.

The funny thing is I am the most doubtful about his feelings back when I started dating J. (Rather I get more of a "vibe" for it now). Anyhow, it was four years ago, and I'd like to think that I've grown a lot more mature since then and would have some better sense not to swoop in for a friend's best friend and possibly conjure some divide between them. Honestly though, if J knew that Henry liked me (if he did, that is), I highly doubt J would go there - I don't think Henry ever did say anything though, so that was the problem. In the end though, it seemed J didn't trust me more than he trusted Henry so it turned out to be a "bros before h0es" situation where anything that I say would be taken as distrustful. *shrugs*

After that attitude that I got from Henry, I had a better half of a brain not to go seeking advice a second time. I just thought that because he knew J so much better than me, he could help and - because he was friends with both of us - would care enough to help. But no, I agree. I don't think Henry is particularly fantastic in the way he deals with things but I know he's a good guy at heart. He's just... misguided. And after the $hit that his ex-girlfriend gave him, he's gotten even more insecure and by default, more of a d-bag. Some guys just have strange defense mechanisms...

As for the staring, I know I described it like that but in the flesh, it's not "creepy". It sort of just sits in the boundaries of "intense". What I think is most notable about the staring isn't really the way he does it (thought that matters), it's the relentlessness. Like he wants to say something to me, but in gazes instead of words. Odd as that sounds. There are plenty of awesome guys - I'm friends with mostly males, so I know. But it's not really up to me if I fall for someone sensible, simple and great - it's not my choice who I fall for at all. Which sucks but that's that, huh?

Cheers for the advice! I think I just need to have a good talk with Henry - work out where he's head at, where my head is, how I feel in clarity. Talk it out with him and solve all the grey areas... if I don't, I feel like I won't be able to completely get over the what-if push and pull bull$hit, you know?
21-09-11, 07:04 PM
lace

Quote:

Originally Posted by bulrush [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think Henry does like you, but I also think he is a nut for staring at you. What kind of stare was it? Did he look angry, or just thoughtful? Anyone that would spread false rumors to hurt someone is someone to be avoided. He will continue to do stuff like that, because he thinks it's ok to do so.

Date him, and you will eventually find I'm right.

The staring isn't like an angry or thoughtful thing. In trying to be completely objective, being the 'stared at', I think he goes between looking almost desiring to forlorn and back and forth. I don't know, it's not "creepy", it's just intense. As for the spreading rumours thing, yes. He was a complete d1ckhead but I think that he was being irrational and immature back then and I'd like to think he's changed somewhat. He did apologise for it (albeit 2 years late) and seemed genuinely sorry. That isn't to say it's okay, but I think his way of handling (possible jealousy) back then is just $hit...
21-09-11, 07:09 PM
lace

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gypsybell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I drew cards for you (since I am a gypsy) 3 only, signifying past present and future and in the immediacy of a few months at most. The past clearly shows the feelings of being tied to issues of control and hostility yet unable to discard what is entirely in your mind, This smacks of sexual tension, and is linked to the 10 of cups, the present card. tThis is a most fotunate card re a relationship of the heart, signitying the moment befor a new beginning that will be most satisfying. And it links to the 2 of cups (hearts) as the future card which signifies a loving union . I would venture to say there's a fair chance you and "Henry" have a long overdue agenda to sort. And it may well be the reall thing. In which case, be glad it took so long and all the wild oats got sown. Your timing now may be perfect. I wish you well. Do let us know how you fare.

Sounds very accurate indeed. I will definitely talk to him to try to sort things out. I do hope everything fares out as you've predicted, that would be lovely. I'll get back to you, gyspybell!
21-09-11, 07:12 PM
lace

Quote:

Originally Posted by bulrush [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, give Henry a try and date him, but watch out for red flags. Like him controlling you, angry outbursts, too much jealousy, etc. This may indeed be a necessary path in your life, like Gypsybell said, in order for you to learn an important lesson. An important lesson learned does not necessarily mean you will stay with him forever.

I'll talk to him first and we'll see how it goes. If it gets to dating, I will definitely be wary. Thanks for the advice!
21-09-11, 10:26 PM
Dolmetscher

Quote:

Originally Posted by lace [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm friends with mostly males, so I know. But it's not really up to me if I fall for someone sensible, simple and great - it's not my choice who I fall for at all. Which sucks but that's that, huh?

Not judging, but just trying to act like a mirror here. This sentence that I've quoted above... RIGHT THERE is your problem in one sentence.

I'm sure that you are friends with mostly guys, because you have some notion that guys are easier to be friends with, and that girls are all filled with drama. Stop thinking that way, and stop thinking that way immediately. guys are not easier to be friends with, and girls do not have more drama. Guys are nicer to you, because you have something that they want. I am not saying that each and every one of your guy friends is attracted to you or wants to sleep with you. But as a general rule, a man is going to be kinder, softer, more understanding, and all around just cooler to a girl. Not out of having class, or manors... just because somewhere in his brain, men are programmed to treat people who have vaginas differently than those who don't. You need females in your life, and lots of them.

I hate to say it, but you seem to be kinda clueless about how to navigate relationships with men. The second part of your above sentence speaks directly to that. The fact that you honestly seem to believe that you have no control over your emotions, or that love is some mysterious wave of fate or chemistry... this isn't 17th century France, and you aren't that special. No one is. You DO have control over yourself, and you do have control over what you allow yourself to be drawn towards. You can start to realize what REAL genuine attraction is, and what curious suspicion is. Basically, you need to get better at being a woman. And the only way you will ever do that is by being with women much more than being with men. Have some girls nights out. Go be with your grandmother, your mother... I dont' mean talk about boys with them... but be with them. And try as much as you can to accept femininity as your gender and your goal. The more feminine you become, the more masculinity you will attract. Because trust me, so far it seems that you have been attracted nothing more than butt-hurt, catty, man-children that fight amongst themselves, violate each others respect and friendship... and in general, just ain't worth a damn.

So... get off the internet. Call up the few girls that you do know, and make a date for drinks TONIGHT! I promise from the bottom of my heart that the more you hang with girls, the better your life with men will become.