feeling really lost and depressed

Hi folks,

I am really at a loss at the moment, and I am thinking I might need to go see professional help. I thought I would post my story here first to get some other people's opinions...Just don't know anymore.

Back when I was in secondary school there was this girl who I met and we became good friends, or at least I thought we were. We were in the same classes and often sat next to one another, and we also talked a fair bit outside of school via phone etc..

Anyway for me I fell in love with this girl, and I asked her in many different ways to go out with me, even sent a dozen roses at one point. But the response was always in the negitive. At the time I always felt that it was her friends that were stopping her, and it would of been different if she had different friends.

anyway after about 2yrs of thinking of nothing but her I decided to distance myself. I just couldn't keep getting rejected time after time. It was almost 12mths later when I met my now wife, and we have beed together for almost 13yrs. At first for the first sort of 4yrs I didn't even think of this other girl, but slowly she started to creep back onto my mind. Just little things, wonder where she was, what she was doing etc.

With the invention of facebook it ment that we could reconnect again, for a long time I knew she was on facebook but I didn't add her. I added her twin sister who I was also really good friends with, but never this girl. I wasn't sure if she would want me too, or if she felt it was arkward for each other to add each other.

After a while we had commented to each other via her sisters post etc, and I bit the bullet and added her. We had a small communication via PM and then it sort of stopped, I think it was more from her then me, but I didn't persist either.

She was always a very shy girl, and would go bright red when the attention was on her, and I am not quite sure if it was her shyness which stopped her as well.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but I don't think I am 'in love with her' anymore. We are best friends, and get along great together, but there is something missing, at least for me.

I have never told my wife of this other girl, at first it wasn't even relevant, and then I didn't want to hurt her by telling her that I am still thinking of someone else.

I know that this other girl is married, and may even be expecting their first child. I think to start talking to her might be a lost cause, probably would be a lost cause, but I always have her on my mind. For me she is the one, and I moved on because I got tired of getting kicked in the teeth again and again.

Right now I feel depressed, and I never used to feel depressed, ever.

I have always tried to keep myself busy and if I gave you my name you would see heaps of things all over the internet because I have tried to keep myself busy, but I am thinking that it is more as a distraction now., and these things no longer keep my mind off her.........

this is the worst feeling in the world, and I am thinking that I am not giving 100% to my marriage, but I also feel I can't unless there is some sort of closure, or.....I don't know.

Don't stress though I am not suicidal in anyway, just really really lost......and I hate it.

Someone said you create a perfect image of someone over time and I should look for negitives, maybe I am not subjective enough but there doesn't seem to be any......

what do I do....?

First cut is the deepest dude. We all have the scars. Treat it like a fond memory because thats all it was. If it was meant to be anything, it would have happened back then. talk to your wife. Shes the one thats with you, not some fantasy from the past.
Fckn facebook, its evil, fckn evil......

I think this woman might be more of a dream or escape for you now? If your marriage is in trouble I think you should work on that then chase this phantom... who really only brought you pain in the first place by all the rejection. It sounds like to me that you think she is your sole mate? I can see why your feeling depressed that's got to be overwhelming for you. Can you try and let this women go? Why are you hanging on so tight to a memory of "being kicked in the teeth"? I once had a crush when I was young and when we reached adulthood I made the mistake of hooking up with this person. I felt like my prayers were answered and that it was just my shyness that tripped me up when I was a school girl. I was wrong. He had a girlfriend.... that I found out about days later...... it took the smile right off my dial... It really hurt. At the end of the day... he hadn't changed at all. He was just as shallow as a puddle as ever and only thinking of himself. Not me that's for sure or even worse his girlfriend... but I felt really sorry for my self at the time...not her,,, even though she had it way worse... she had him a cheater. Not saying this would happen to you if you tried anything with her.. but wow... she is married and expecting? That in itself is just too complicated... also... aren't you worried about hurting your wife? I'm assuming she likes it when you bring her a dozen roses? Maybe try that and see if you get some attention that your seeking from her. Good luck to you.

to be honest reading it back once typed out makes you see it in a totally different light.
it's easy to look back with rose coloured glasses on something that took a chunk of my life.

I know I am stupid, and I wouldn't even chase her, think I just needed to get it out of my head and off my chest. That is the first time I have ever seen it written down and it looks really silly and small. espically when it was so many years ago.

It's always the question of what if... when in reality that isn't even the question.

So I thank you for letting me let out some steam.
Honestly as soon as I read it back once posted I thought what the hell am I thinking.

It is easy to create a perfect image in your head, just harder to get rid of. Once I look at things and see that she isn't perfect, and what I have some people never have, it puts things in perspective.

thanks for the vent

you need to focus on your 13yr marrage, cut the gradschool BS. im gonna be blut and hard. your acting really stuid for a married man.