long story, but please read
well, let me just start off by saying that reads this will probably view me as hypocritical, a cheater, and a dick. also, its a long story. be that as it may, please read it and tell me what you think, because i'm in desperate need of advice.
the people involved in this story have their names changed, because even though i don't think they'll see this, i can never be too sure.
the past:
i met the girl who would become my best friend in high school. her name is olivia. i never spoke with her until my senior year (grad '08). we became friends almost instantly. she had a lot going wrong in her love life. the guys she dated either abused or rejected her. she was a mess. i was the friend that she could talk to about it. the one who didn't judge her. the one that gave advice about it. i saw her for what she could never see herself as: beautiful, smart, strong, loving, and above all, deserving. i made a promise to myself that i would never be that stereotypical guy who cheats, abuses, etc. we became best friends not long after.
anyway, we went to senior prom (not with each other (she was single, but i wasn't)) and it was fun. she had promised me a dance, but we never got around to it. she told me after that she still owes me one (important). shortly after, we graduated. even more shortly after that, my gf dumps me because she is in love with her best friend (they are still together to this day and i have never held any feelings of anger against her for it). in the following month, one of our classmates, nick, had a grad party that both olivia and i went. i got over my ex quickly, for i realized that i had feelings for my best friend. and i wanted to tell her. so you can imagine how excited i was when she pulled me aside to talk to me about something at the party. before i could tell her though, she told me that she was interested in nick. i didn't tell her how i felt. i couldn't. nick was a good kid. she deserved a good kid after being put through such a gauntlet of horrible men. they started dating...
two years pass. i'm dating other people, but they don't last very long. i can't get my heart to resonate with anyone. except for olivia. because i've been in love with her for over a year. but she's in love with nick. so i've stuck by as her best friend. but don't get me wrong. i'm overjoyed that i can be her best friend. i'm glad to be able to talk to her about things that i can't tell anyone else, and vice versa. all except one thing anyway. the fact that i'm in love with her. it's painful to hear about certain things between her and nick, but i listen anyway, because i like doing it (masochistic, right?).
eventually though, the pain becomes too much for me to handle and i start growing distant from her. in order to prevent this, she demands that i sit down with her and tell her what's wrong. so i tell her, "olivia, i'm madly in love with you. and it hurts me, because i know that there is nothing i can do about it." she figured that that's what it was. i should've known that she'd be able to read her best friend like a book. however, like i said, nothing could be done about it. she told me, "travis, while i am flattered, i have nick, and i'm in love with him. i love you too, but as my best friend. so you have a choice. you can be in my life and we can share a lot of great moments and make great memories. as best friends. or, if it's too painful, you can tell me and i will never talk to you again so that you will stop hurting." needless to say, i chose to stay as her best friend. i don't want to know what i would've done if she stopped talking to me.
the present:
this year (2011) in june, i started dating iris. it's a decent relationship, but idk if it'll last. it's the longest relationship i've had in over four years (yeah, that's saying a lot for me). most of the people in my life don't approve of her because she is quiet and dark. my opinion is the only one that matters. olivia thinks that it's because she set the bar too high for any future gfs (everyone loves her and has told me multiple times that i should date her). speaking of which, i'm still in love with her. i never stopped.
last month, almost exactly a year after i confessed my feelings to her, a day after her 22nd bday, olivia is sitting on my bed confessing her feelings of love to me. and i only sit there and hug her and try to tell her that everything will be ok. she reveals to me that she is having trouble with nick (he didn't remember her bday) and doesn't know if they'll last past the new year. i want to tell her so many things. i want to hold her tightly in my arms. i want to kiss those lips of her's. i want to prove that i can be what nick can't. but i can't do any of those things. i know i have iris and it goes against what i swore to myself three years ago.
one week ago, i visit her at college. we go out with her friends to the club, drink (i'm 21), dance (nick doesn't dance), etc. she's never seen me dress up nicely or dance so she's impressed. i'm watching how much she drinks and i'm not looking to spend a lot myself so we're both buzzed at most. i talk to her about how she still owes me a dance, she laughs, takes my hand, and we start dancing. it's a very passionate dance for the both of us. we dance on and off throughout the entire night.
we go back to her dorm after (i'm staying the night). we drink a little more to keep the buzz up (but we are both thinking clearly). she starts to get a little sad because she had such a great time and doesn't know when we'll be able to have fun like that again. i assure her that it'll be sooner rather then later. regardless, she is still feeling down. she wants me to jump up into her bed and hug her and tell her that it'll all be ok. she asks how i can be so sure. i tell her that i just know. she asks me what will happen if her and nick break up. she is terribly afraid of being alone throughout life. i explain that she will find the perfect guy one day because she is beautiful, smart, strong, loving, and above all, deserving. she smiles a sad smile and tells me that she wishes that i still loved her. i tell her that i never stopped, that it is literally taking all of myself not to kiss her. we lock eyes. we hug. our foreheads and noses touch. we stay like this for five minutes and keep talking about such matters (she just called me right now (figures that we are on this wave length lol)). i throw caution to the wind and move in to kiss her about 50 percent... and a second later she moves in, and our lips connect. we kiss with such passion that i've never felt before. the fireworks that everyone talks about when kissing someone is there for the both of us.
we talked about it and even though we know exactly how we feel about each other now, we can't do anything about it. neither of us feel guilty, which kind of worries me. we have to essentially sit on our hands and wait. if it is meant to happen, it will. we're still best friends. we're both still in relationships. we both feel like we're puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together, but we are being handled by the hands of fate who can't seem to put us together.
so now i need advice. should i stay with iris? i don't know that i can love her while i'm still in love with olivia and i know that she doesn't deserve me. should i break up with her? things might be fixed with olivia and nick, and then i'll be outta luck. we both already said that we won't have another night like that unless we are both single so we can't just hook up.
what would you all do if you were me in this situation?
