A year later - thoughts, feelings, unsolicited advice and ramblings
So its been a year....its crazy to think that one year ago -- I was lying awake at 5 in the morning looking at this site trying to understand, bring reason to what had happened and why she felt she had to go.
A year later my life is different but not as different as I would have liked..
First -- I've met someone new..in spite of all the despair, feelings of worthlessness and feeling that it would never be okay -- I did meet and am now dating a lovely girl who tells me daily that I am amazing and special and loved...this has been going on for about 6 months. She is the exact opposite of my ex in just about everyway -- hair color, skin tone, religion, social interaction, general disposition...its weird that the Universe literally brought me my exes opposite.
Second - I still have dreams about the ex..in fact it was a dream last night that inspired me to write this post. We do work together which makes it tough as coming to work for the longest time was a constant reminder as I have to take particular routes, avoid certain stairwells etc.. but shockingly in the year since we split I have seen her once for sure and maybe one other time. The time I definitely saw her I didn't say anything and neither did she but regardless it make me sick to my stomach (and this was only a month or so ago). I wouldn't say that I still long for her in the same way that I longed for her in the first 3 months but I definitely still want her. I know that being with her (see below) is hugely unhealthy but I can't help wanting her.
Third - I've realized how completely horrible of a girlfriend and how screwed up she is as a person. Being a guy..I naturally feel like everything and anyone can be fixed. I've learned that isn't true and somethings are not fixable and it was never my responsibility to fix it anyways.
Fourth - I've gone from feeling like a worthless not good enough, insecure, emotionally drained person to someone who again smiles, laughs, and feels completely amazing. It happens it takes time, it takes introspection, having someone who tells you that daily doesn't hurt either.
Fifth - I know that the scars that she left behind will take FOREVER to heal, there is still a lot of hurt and anger. I am guarded, I don't allow myself to think about the future with the current girl, I just focus on this day, this week and maybe next month. Its a mental block and one that scares me.
Sixth - When they come back its not because of you or how they feel about you -- its about them and how they feel about themselves.. the one time she came back and we slept together I thought we were getting back together again...she was just feeling sad, lonely, confused...whatever and used me to feel better about herself... please don't fall for it. It will lead to no where good.
Seventh - I wish her ill-will. I wish her the heartbreak and anxiety and anger that she put me through ... I wish her loneliness, depression despair... and you know what -- its healthy and acceptable. I won't cause any of those things for her but I wish them for her.
Eighth - Writing things out (ie on this forum) helped me immensely...it helped me to gather my thoughts, it helped me to let things out I felt like I couldn't...but ultimately it just helped to know that someone else was feeling the same way I was.. and that it happened to everyone and that it was part of life.
In summary: I just want you all to know that life goes on, you heal, you move on, but I never want anyone to have misconception that you can ever forget. I am on the path...my life is getting there..but importantly I am progressing. I built up a life of my own...one I purposely but insistently keep the new girl out of...its important to have these things. Keep your head up -- read this site, listen to other peoples stories, write your own...but at some point you need to cut the cord. Good luck everyone...I hope we all heal together.
