Could he change his mind?
I might be reading too much into things. Probably more wishful thinking to be honest. Broke up with my bf of 2 years on Thursday. We had a similar break about 6 months ago, as he wasn’t sure of his commitment. He is now saying that he has been dithering for the last 6 months (I let him move back in with me, but this was always a temporary measure).
He is 37 divorced, I am 26 and quite needy. I brought back article on commitment phobia, and he took it to heart and said that the line that ‘commitment phobes are often too scared to be in a relationship, but also too scared to leave one’ struck a chord. The conversation escalated and we ended up breaking up. He says he still loves/ finds me attractive, but he doesn’t think it is enough. He says that I never made anything hard enough for him and basically gave it to him on a plate, but that he thinks I am a wonderful girl etc.
Since then he has been in constant contact, saying that distance is the only thing that will produce clarity, and that he misses me intensely. I initiated no contact earlier today and it really hurts, but he accepted it. He is a very honourable, kind, nice bloke, and I am sure that he was very comfortable with our situation but is now trying to do the right thing. We were very tactile right until the end, and I know he has a lot of affection for me. Do you think these are his own issues? He will acknowledge that day to day we had an awesome time together and seemed made for each other, but he felt something was missing. Bear in mind that he had become subsumed in my life/ friends/ living in parents flat. Do you think he will reflect on things during NC (it will be at least 2 weeks) and maybe see the reality of our situation, or is this unusual? Our discussion seemed to gather its own momentum, and he claims he didn’t really plan it, although he had been uncomfortable for a while.
Earlier that evening he had been talking about taking me out for dinner the following evening as he was going away etc. very confused and would like to know if I am being unrealistic (he told me that he had regrets at the moment, but would only know in time if they were genuine) or do they come back? He knows that if he were to come back it would have to be full on commitment (eg. Marriage) Would really appreciate advice
Latest on this... emails from today
my resolve is weakening for NC - is it going to help achieve my aim? for him to see what an idiot he is being??
Him to me in response to the one below:
hi gorgeous girl,
sorry couldnt reply earlier but needs must at work and the one thing that is
keeping me sane right now is work. sometimes it feels like the only anchor i
have - how sad is that coming from a contractor? i am finding concentration
quite hard though
just in case you are wondering what i wrote back to your brother here is a bit..
"She is such a sweet loving and trusting person that it feels almost as if I
am betraying her. I think its especially hard for her that there was no big
bust up, but more of a general feeling on my part that things were drifting
and I felt that one of us had to take a positive step for both our sakes."
i hear also that you were in touch with XX as i got an email from pete.
amongst other nice things about you he said in his email that he really
liked you and found you to be quite a deep person - which believe me is
praise coming from pete. i think he must be my XX.
as i said earlier, although it makes me sad, I will of course observe your
wishes and drop contact (is the odd email or text ok?). i probably think it
is the right thing to do - but I will miss you desperately. perhaps i do
need to sample a dose of loneliness to realise what i am missing - i do hope
so sweetheart. i do yearn stability but most of all clarity in my
relationships and envy people who never really question if they are happy or
not. the 24th sounds good but as you say we can review that nearer the time
- whatever you want to do is fine by me - i just feel awful about this and
want desperately for your broken heart to mend. it will my darling but i am
sure that means nothing to you right now.
please try to forgive me for the hurt i am causing you. i do hope one day
we can laugh together again.
Me to him:
Hi
This is incredibly hard for me, but I think I need to cease contact with you for the time being. I am full of conflicting emotions - of course I want to speak to you, but I also want to hold you and sadly you are the wrong person to be comforting me, as you said, at the moment. I am bewildered and hurt by this whole situation, and need some time to lick my wounds and get on with my life. I just don't think I can do that while I am in touch with you all the time.
It totally breaks my heart, as I love you very very much. As I said this morning, you have been my confidante, best friend, lover and like family to me these last few years. You have helped me so much in my journey to become a healthy, confident, happy (coffee drinking) individual and I will always be grateful for that. I will also always be hopeful that if you have some time apart from me you might reappraise the situation and realize that we are great together - you are right, we can't go back to how we were, but I had always hoped that once we were out of the intense situation in the flat, you would be a bit happier and would welcome me into your life properly. It has been pretty painful trying to drive the relationship forward, and I am sure that in time I will feel relieved that I don't have to any more. I know that you can have a tendency to shut down and not think about things that are hard, and I would ask that you don't do that and that you do think about our situation and what you want from it in the future, although I can't promise anything.
Can you keep XX date free for the time being, as I would like to revisit how I am feeling then, and see if we can make a fun night of it? I hope that isn't asking too much. If you have reconsidered anything, then I am, of course, always ready to talk. I hope you are OK in the meantime. You really do deserve to be happy. By the way, I am away at the weekend, and XX has gone, so you can get anything you want any time. I won't be back until Monday.
With all my love