How/Where to find Love in the first place?
I just recently turned 18 years old and will be graduating high school this year. And going to an in-state college next year.
I know in the grand scale of things what you do in high school doesn't matter, but I do feel like I missed out on one of the freest times of my life now that it's almost over. Introverted, shy, and a little socially phobic, I've been largely a recluse. And not in a healthy, independent way. But in a sad, sick way.
I just realized this a few short days ago and even cried about it one night. It amazes me how difficult it is for people to see themselves for what they are. Myself included.
I realized my problem in a film class I'm taking. We were to watch and analyze Rear Window (Hitchcock). One side character in the film, Ms. Lonelyheart, would pretend night after night that she had a date in her apartment, but was just imagining a person was there with her. She lived alone. Being the observer, I was quick to think what a wreck she must be. I even thought she was ridiculous.
But then, somehow, it clicked: that's me.
I was on the road to dying sick and alone, and wasn't even conscious of it.
Of course, I knew it wasn't normal for 18 year olds to still have imaginary friends and even boyfriends. But I made up all kinds of excuses for myself and was fine with it...until I saw what I was. Being alone and sharing nothing of myself with the outside world, I never had anyone to disillusion me. Even if I did, I likely would resist and ignore it ... I had to see it for myself.
2 surface-level friends is the most I've ever had in my life. I can hardly keep up an occasional conversation over facebook...even that feels stressful for me. I have not one close relationship with any real, living person. Not family, not friends, no one. And now that I want one, I don't even know how. How do you pick up after years of pretending and lying to yourself?
I want this to be different, but I'm kind of an adult now. And from what I hear, it's more difficult to find friends and relationships as an adult than it is in high school. So I don't even know if it's worth trying now. The world moves so fast. And I, being a social retard, would be slow. For example, simple conversation. I can write for ages, but have difficulty using the spoken word to communicate ideas effectively. If I had to explain this post to you in words, for example, you'd hear a jumbled, stuttering mess.
So ultimately, my question is...is finding love truly more difficult in college and adult life for the socially inept? And if you were in my position, how would you go about finding someone? What's the easiest, least distressing way? I literally need to learn how to form relationships with men. Of my 2 real-life 'friends', both have been female. I hardly have any contact with living males. Due mostly, I hate to admit, to intimidation. I just don't know what to say to them, even in a platonic context.
Thank you in advance for any helpful advice. If I attempted to do this with no guidelines, the failure would be of epic proportions.