Talked with EX. It's over.

I just talked w/ my EX tonight. I guess somehow the breakup is all my fault while she is dating other guys. She said I did not want to go back to school and that I said I don't have a goal and I said I don't know what I am doing in life etc... which I never say such thing. I did told her that I don't like to go back to school now but never said I won't ever doing that. She continued said that no girls will invest in me because of that. This is after 8 yrs relationship. I'm calmly asked her so when was this happened? She told me that she gave up on me like 3 years ago. she said she didn't want to deal with this cuz' she is in school. I guess she has been pretending all this time. So now she is done w/ her school got a better job/bought a house where I basically did everything else for her, about two months after her grad... I got kicked to the curb. Two months before the breakup, she has been dating w/ someone. But never once I heard her saying or admitting that she "cheated" on me. This breakup is never her fault. Somehow she dumped that guy and we are kinda back together for like 2 months and I thought we are moving along fine. Then like a month ago, all the sudden she doesn't think she can "face" my family which is basically my sister and for some odd reason she ignored me... so a month later today, she called me and asked me to move my stuffs.... I agreed and since I have her on the phone, I asked her to come out to talk to me and give me some answers. Today, I just know that I am so bad of a boyfriend. All, I did was help her with her house, taking care of everything that needed, treated her like a queen, never yell at her, trusted her, gave everything to her, never once doubt her... I expected that this will happen during the talk but I go anyway cuz' I just need her to say it and admitted that she cheated on me... I guess to her this doesn't qualify as cheating... Dating someone else when we are still together... Now that she is dating this second guy where she talked about him everyday when we were together still... I remembered she told me that not to worry cuz' she will never like him (he is a few years younger, not her type, etc...) So the second breakup ended so sudden, it hits me so hard... Everyday I'm in pain, keep on asking myself what the hell happens, what ifs, I should have do this and that... It just took everything out of me. I have a full time job and 4hrs night school every night. I felt like everything is squeezing me so tight and I can't breathe.

I never once think love is like an investment. It's love. and it's a beautiful thing. Everything else will work its way out if you have love... My problem was that she did not love me. She just used me for years... and used me again after she dumped me the first time for emotional support till she hops on this new guy's boat... then she acted cold and ignored me... After 8 yrs, i thought I love a sweet sweet girl with a great heart and she is the one for me. I just need two more years to get my new career going but she slammed the door on my face. I don't really know who can be this cold. It doesn't seem like it bothers her that I''m suffering so much... I did not want to get back with her at all when I asked to see her. I just want answers. She acted so cold and threw everything at me and that is all my fault. I don't know such person can be capable of doing this... It's a very sad sad day. I'm all broken. Thank to one of my buddy, he came out to talk to me pretty much all night... I need to attend my best friend's wedding this saturday and she will be there too. I am just not myself and I need some help or someone to talk to.

Hey you,

I'm so sorry to hear what you have to go through...

Don't believe her a word! She is making excuses when she tells you it's all your fault, she's desperately trying to find reasons so she can feel better for herself because deep down she must know how ****ed up she acted and still acts... Telling you she "gave up" on you three years ago because you won't go to school - WHO the hell does that? What kind of person is she? If she really gave up on you that long ago she should have left you then instead of taking everything you had to give her and building her own life aside from you...

Still it must hurt so incredibly much! I went through a similar thing, my ex of 8 years left me in May without even properly breaking up with me after years of me supporting him (he was unemployed, I supported him when he went to school to train for another profession and last year when he got his "dream" job in another city (he could choose from 3 similar jobs in our town as well but he preferred the one out of town, still I did believe and trust him *argh*) he started to stay away from home more and more... and then he simply "disappeared", stopped calling and coming home at all... he also lied to me again and again and still I believed eveything he said and swallowed and endured all these hard times because I thought he was the one for me and when he's stabilized in his new job there will be some more room and energy for us left again... I also believe that giving and supporting is just natural when you love somebody... for both sides... and that's the point: you need the right partner for it to work... and we both seemed to have a partner who obviously prefered taking to giving...

So... she obviously wasn't the right one for you, you deserve better! You have so much to offer and when you see her this weekend on the wedding you will look at her smiling and think: "It's your loss not mine. I will find someone better than you soon, but you won't find anyone better than me ever! I know who I am and what I'm worth and that's a lot more than you deserve!" And then you will just turn around and move on and enjoy the wedding of your best friend! You love her, but you don't need her! Imagine the amount of energy that you will have left now for yourself that before you used to spend helping and supporting her... at least that's what happened here with me... I realized how much I had to reduce myself, make myself smaller, not speak up just to make him feel good about himself... he needed me to be depressed and weak to feel good... perhaps she needed you to be "that hopeless person" so she could feel good about herself... no matter how you really are... ever thought of that?

You're strong and you will get through it... you have your job and night school that's a lot, but otherwise it helps you keep your mind off things a bit and keeps you busy. Concentrate on that and whenever you miss her ask yourself: "Do I really want to be with a woman who acts like that?" And I'm sure the answer will be "no"... and in this case your mind needs to be stronger than your heart because your heart still needs time to digest everything that happened and it needs to grieve your loss... knowing and keeping telling me that I didn't want him back, that I deserve better helped me through the darkest hours when I thought I couldn't live without him beacuse I missed him so much and wondered why (and when) he really left me... he never said a word...

Again, sorry for your your loss and the pain you have to go through... but you're not alone and you'll grow through it even stronger, trust me!

Big hug
Kyeema

Thanks so much Kyeema, I'm also sorry to hear about your situation as well.

There are many other things she said about me that is just outta line. One example is which she said I don't care about her family. This is totally false again. Here is why, I took her and her parents to Yellowstone on our vacation. I took them all on a camping trip. I took them all to many Vegas trips because I thought that her parents need days off and to go out and enjoy life. I love her parents and treated them like mines. I don't think many guys will do this. And we are not married so really I don't know why she got the idea of me hating her family. I don't miss any gifts for her nephews on birthday/xmas. I've never created any conflicts for them. I always smile and enjoy the time there till I go home. I do visit them from time to time what else does she want? I still remember few instances that she would rather sit in the car outside than come in to my sister house because I need to pick up some stuffs from my sister. She said that my family ignored her and that my sister and brother in-law did not seem to welcome her. Geez, I haven't hear any requests from her asking to have dinner w/ my sister. Everything I do, it seems like I did it because I have a motive... it doesn't ring a bell in her heart that I did it because I love her. I have busted my back to renovate the whole second floor of her house by myself and never wanted to tell her to make her worry. I just sux it up and act cool. I remembered one time I can't even stand up straight because bend down too much for doing the wood floor. I'm just a little upset from the talk tonight. But still, I keep my cool and walk away. I did not act up or cursed her off. I was actually give her a smile when I saw her and kinda smile when I hear her side of the story... what can I say right? I will just do exactly as you said... This Saturday I will look in her eyes and smile and tell myself that "I don't need you. It's your loss. And you will know soon enough."

Al,

You really sound like a nice and caring guy, it's a shame she couldn't see and appreciate that... but trust me, some day when you're ready, you'll meet someone who will appreciate all of you and see that you do these things out of love... so hang in there, I know it's incredibly hard and painful right now, but things will get better soon and you will be happy again!

Enjoy the wedding tomorrow!

Kyeema