Learning to let go of old BAGGAGE!!!

hello, y'all ...
I'm new here as of yesterday. I'd like to put something here about the challenge of accepting new relationships when I'm so accustomed to being 'shown the door'. No matter how great I may feel in a moment of chatting with my new bud, I keep cringing that I've misread his friendliness and thought it means more than it does.
I've invited him to come swimming with me tomorrow evening. He sounds all for it; offered to pick me up wherever I am, then get a bite afterward .. it seems all too good to be true. Part of me is afraid he won't show up to get me. And yet when I look at his emails and our chat transcripts, the guy's totally participating. Lots of things he says are real and believable. It's ME who can't comprehend it. He's said things like "let's walk the other direction next time", and "yes, I'd like to see a lighthouse, sounds like fun" .. etc.
... I've posted this in "Dumping Talk" because I'm so USED to being unwanted. This guy is NICE. I mean he's sweet, honest and lots of fun. A kind person. Most of the time we talk, we're laughing about something.

Can somebody here offer perhaps a bit of experience? what's it like to NOT be so scared of the 'other shoe'?

Thanks ..
BabyLamb

You need to get inside yourself with some plywood and some paint and do some internal remodeling. You sound like a nice person to spend time with. I think you should spend more time with the new guy. Might see a spark. It doesn't always happen and thats okay too. And you just leave it at that and don't take it as a rejection. Thats what friends do. My advice is to just hang out with a person anyway, before you become intimate. Just to see what happens. Sometimes a person need to do something important in life-- like change jobs or go to school and must leave your location and those you've got to want for the person. You've got to want the best for someone.

As far as not being wanted, I'm not sure what that means.

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Originally Posted by Pondman

You need to get inside yourself with some plywood and some paint and do some internal remodeling. You sound like a nice person to spend time with. I think you should spend more time with the new guy. Might see a spark. It doesn't always happen and thats okay too. And you just leave it at that and don't take it as a rejection. Thats what friends do. My advice is to just hang out with a person anyway, before you become intimate. Just to see what happens. Sometimes a person need to do something important in life-- like change jobs or go to school and must leave your location and those you've got to want for the person. You've got to want the best for someone.

As far as not being wanted, I'm not sure what that means.

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... hi, Pondman: nice reply, thx. :)
For too long I've been in a vicious circle of wanting companionship with some guy, but I've had some harsh incidents in my life and obviously there's too much hurt yet, so it unfortunately gets projected onto each new guy. One of my personal goals is to treat someone as INDEPENDENT of my own past, so that I don't bog him down with details and imply that he's got to make me happy. That hasn't been easy for me. Hence, I've felt like a burden, not someone a man would choose. That's why I always seem to do the pursuing; I don't trust a guy to do it (unless I'm not interested, of course, then I can't get RID of him, LOL)

:surprised

BabyLamb

You are making things very complicated for us the rest of the world. We may want to be your friends (You sound very loveable.) And drink coffee with you and laugh. I'm really convinced its about someones time. If someone is giving you their time... what else is there really?

However, we for alot of reasons may not be able to move toward an intense intimate relationship. It happens. But why would you accept the blame and internalize this as rejection. Why not just accept the kindness that someone can give, when they can give it?

I don't understand your pursuit statements. Its not the progression I take. I would usually insist on knowing whether I liked someone first for a time and then pursue them intimately. But I definitely wouldn't pursue everyone intimately that I like. I wouldn't have time.

Tell us about the vicious circle most of us won't get it. And projection. Who does the projection, you are them? Actually I don't get the term.

I hope you understand this as humor because I don't want you to think I'm laughing at you-- but you remind me of the movie version of "Night of the Iguana," with Richard Burton. It very heavy stuff-- but its intersting.

I also don't get the chosen part. Thats really intense. Does a guy really chose a woman? I mean does a guy pick a woman out of the crowd of available women and say, "He you, you are with me." Is that how a relationship would start. Someone has to chose another?

Pondman ... thanks for trying. I've decide to focus only on my original question:
> what's it like to NOT be scared..?

I know it's unhelpful when I won't tell you what I mean by this and that, but I can't review that stuff in my past. It's best left behind. Please understand ...

BabyLamb

Hi BabyLamb...sorry I may have some suggestions, but I just want to get an idea of what you mean by not being scared of the 'other shoe'?

scared to commit? scared of rejection? scared of men?

Just maybe give me an idea and I'll do the best I can to answer you.

Hey babylamb, im not sure whether im similar to you or not...but i go through stages of worrying or being scared.

What made me want to post is where you said 'Part of me is afraid he won't show up to get me'
I have this feeling occassionaly when thinking about my boyfriend...but rationalising it inside my head i know it is ridiculous because he has never not turned up or stood me up or anything...neither has any other bloke i have been with. So its really strange. I dont really know what else to say only that i think i know sometimes how you feel about worrying about things unneccesarily and over-analysing them.

You just have to learn to control the scared feelings or worrys when you know they are out of control by saying 'stop' in your head. Stop all the silly worrys and focus on something else. This really works for me because i know all the worrys i have about my boyfriend are so silly...i really dont know why i have them! :)

p.s sorry if that was complete waffle and of no relevence to you! :)

Hi there ... by 'other shoe' I mean that something may seem to go along great and I'm happily surprised since my life is pretty much riddled with disappointments, and I can't shake the fear that it's too good to be true; hence 'okay, now when is the OTHER shoe gonna fall' (I'm not really sure where that saying originated; I'll have to look it up).
I have trouble believing anything will work out without something messing it up. That 'something' might be that the guy I like changed his mind, or had to work suddenly, or the weather ruined a trip, etc .. anything. It doesn't even have to be that my own behaviour sabotaged a good thing, tho' that's also been my lot.
This evening the bud and I have a swim planned, and I can't bring myself to say 'we ARE going', because I'm expecting something to get in the way.
It's dumb. I need to STOP this. But I tellya, when I first asked if he still wanted to go (via MSN Messenger), I was so scared that I was shaking and my teeth were chattering!!
Thankfully he never has to see that, and I can 'type casually'. LOL
... Thanks for your input. :)

BabyLamb

Ok, now that i have a better understanding...first I just want to say, NO you're not dumb. Obviously this fear was triggered by a past life experience which clearly makes you feel this way. This is a natural human emotion. I have many friends who have been hurt in their life through different ways and I just keep telling them to take it as an experience and learn from it. Yes it does have to STOP, but on your own time. I don't try to pressure my friends, they just have to understand it's a part of life. Some are worse than others and it looks as though you have quite a bad fear inside you.

I'm not sure what kind of person you are individually, but here are some suggestions to your question "not to be scared of the 'other shoe'". We all go through life in fear of different things, whether it's a phoebia or just a fear of living. To conquer that fear, we have to challenge it. Here's an example. Someone is freaked of spiders and I'm sure many are and no matter what, they just can't get the courage in them to deal with something so small and creepy, yet millions of times SMALLER than them. If you learn to challenge it, you will eventually overcome it. Think to yourself that it is smaller, it's not gonna hurt you and eventually you will have the courage to deal with it. My point is, fear is in the mind (and I'm sure you know that) and we have to say to ourselves, we're not going to let this bug us so we challenge it. In your case, this 'bud' of yours is going swimming with you. To challenge your fear of "something getting in the way", think to yourself how good of a time you will be having instead. The point is to take your fear of "negative" thoughts and redirect them into "positive" ones. Easier said than done I know. Another way of looking at it is that if something does come up, don't think worst case scenario...trust me I've done that WAY too many times. ONLY think that if it happens to be the case. Instead, just brush it off and try again. For example, say the weather is involved or he (off chance) does not decide to show up, your best bet is to continue on. He wasn't worth it then. Don't ever let an issue like this ruin YOUR life. Beef up your self esteem. This is an issue of confidence. I once had a confidence issue and although I didn't seek help, I was helped by my friends and family. But I also tried this and it may seem silly, but it works. Each morning when you wake up, look in the mirror and say "I love myself and I look great today". It may not work for you, but it did for me. Do I care what other people think now? No. I care about me. Establish those feelings about yourself first and you will notice big improvements in your fears. I hope this is of some help.

Cdoc

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Originally Posted by BabyLamb

I have trouble believing anything will work out without something messing it up. That 'something' might be that the guy I like changed his mind, or had to work suddenly, or the weather ruined a trip, etc .. anything. It doesn't even have to be that my own behaviour sabotaged a good thing, tho' that's also been my lot.
BabyLamb

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Do you mean with people? You aren't rambling in some dark soliloquy. You are actually speaking to other living people. We haven't let you down...yet...have we?

Are we therefore not allowed to like you? Because you might be disappointed. What if I were to say, " I like you and if you don't like it --tough."

Hi, Pondman ..no, not just people in general; I mean with guys I want to date. With everyone else (thanks, by the way, for the comment if I don't like you wanting me as a friend, tough. that's sweet.)
The swim didn't happen because he had something else come up. It wasn't personal, and he apologized, but it's just that kind of thing that seems to always happen when I'm interested in anyone.
I can't help thinking it's my fault somehow: that I was seeing more than it really was, but WHATEVER, I'm so SICK of this. Right now, you know, I don't want anyone to try cheering me up, or giving me advice, or asking me questions about what I mean.
I'm angry, disappointed, very hurt and I just want to let myself FEEL, without having to explain or 'get over' it.
.. ok?
I mean, thank you for caring, it does matter, but please stop asking what I mean by this, and that and ... I don't even know how to make sense of it, and trying to define it for someone else is only making it more confusing.
BabyLamb

Let go, clothes your eyes and "Jump" when you feel ready :)

I have an obligation as a member of the human race that when I see someone floundering in the dark, to at least approach them and say Hello. And ask them how their day has gone. And ask them what they are going to do tommorrow. Even If they tell me to pass on by and not stop, I still have an obligation to wave. And if its too dark in their life, I at least will blink a light, to let them know there are people out here.

Your thread is unique. All the other threads want to manipulate some old lover. Not yours. You want to convince us that you are unworthy of other peoples concern. Thats just not true.