He Chose Nothing.... Over Me
I'm sorry this is long... but I would really appreciate the feedback. I'm desperately seeking help or advice.
I met my ex, I'll call him J, in kind of a unique way. Through his parents. I played recreational softball and met his mother and father about two years ago. I thought they were wonderful people and one day they said, "You really need to meet our son!" At the time he lived in another town but was moving back to the city at the end of last summer. He ended up friending me on Facebook and we would chat for hours and hours. Needless to say, I became really interested in his guy by just chatting with him and I definitely fell after meeting him.
He finally moved to the city in July 2010. He invited me over and we just hit it off. We ended up seeing each everyday for a weeks straight. Conversation was awesome and we had so much in common. He ended up moving to the city after dropping out of college to pursue his dream of becoming a musician and I thought that was really awesome. Over time we just continued to get closer and closer. We finally kissed and hooked up and were acting like a normal couple. Only thing is, he was hesitate to really commit to a relationship. The whole reason he had moved to the city was to pursue music and he didn't want anything to get in the way of that. It really hurt because I knew what we had was special and I didn't want to see it go to waste. I reassured him that I was 100% supportive of his music and that I wouldn't get in the way. I only wanted to brighten his life.
Finally in October he asked me to be his girlfriend. He told me he has never felt this way about someone before and wanted to really make this relationship something special. From there things just got better and better. I have never had a connection with any other human being like I did with J. I was able to fully be myself, laugh, cry, express my feelings, communicate, and truly feel what it was like to love someone and they love me back. Sometimes I would catch him looking at me and smiling and I would ask him what was up. His response every time was, "I'm gonna marry you someday".
I at the time lived with my parents and come May was going to graduate college and move out. But J suggested that I just move in with him. However, instead of waiting until May he wanted me to move in sooner. I ended up moving in, in February. Things were great for about a month when I started to notice things changing. He wasn't getting along with his best friend, who was also our roommate and his band mate, he was becoming very negative about life, and would have days were he would just seem really depressed. He was becoming very discouraged with the music thing and just getting really down. I really tried to support him. I would talk to him and encourage him that things were going to get better and he would tell me that I was the only person that was able to make him feel better.
Come May I graduated and we were about to go on a trip to Alaska for my graduation present in June when shit hit the fan. J brought up the future and that he wasn't sure he wanted to have children someday and he knew I did. He became afraid he was not going to be able to make me happy in the future. I didn't think the having children issue should be something we should be worrying about right now because geez, we were only 23! Plus I felt that any plans for the future that were outside his music was just something he wasn't thinking about right now. So I didn't think he could really make that decision for himself. To make a story short, our trip to Alaska ended with us breaking up and me moving back in with my parents. Not only did he end the relationship with me, but he cut off from his parents as well. He claimed to be suffering from depression and that he had issues with things from his childhood. Basically that he needed time to "figure things out". He promised to start seeing a counselor and getting on medication.
We continued to talk, tell each other we missed and love each other, and after three weeks he had me come over to his house to tell me he "couldn't see his life without me and that he didn't want to lose me". We got back together, but he didn't want his parents to know. He didn't talk to them for three months. Things were good for a while but I could tell he had changed. He stopped seeing a counselor and never got on meds. We no longer loved doing the things we use to. He became distant and stop being affectionate towards me. And this "depression" became almost a daily thing but instead of talking to me he would just push me away. Two days after my birthday and two days before our one year anniversary, we got into a big fight, which was not something we had ever really done before, and he told me to "come get my shit" from his house. It was over.
He made me feel like it was all my fault. That I had something I needed to be sorry for. He has since said and done things that have been really hurtful. I feel like I have been side swiped. I found out later that he had told his father earlier in the year that he had "found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with" and two days before my graduation was asking his father how to propose to someone. He even had me in a ring store right before we left for Alaska....
He says he still wants us to be able to be friends. He doesn't want to lose me in his life because I am a wonderful person and his best friend. But he says I need to be able to be around him and not be jealous if he talking to a girl he likes. He wants us to be able to give each other relationship advice. I personally think that is a bunch of crap! First, I'm not sure I will ever be okay with seeing him with another girl. Second my relationship advice to him is DON'T BE IN ONE! Because I can't understand why he would want to be with someone else when he couldn't handle being with me. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I treated that boy like gold.
I just don't know what happened. How can someone go from saying they want to spend the rest of their life with you, to want to have nothing to do with you. I know there were times when he would tell me that our relationship scared him. And that he felt guilty that he wasn't given 110% percent to our relationship because of his music commitment. But I would always reassured him that he made me happy and I understood the music thing and supported him. All I asked was he communicate to me when he was going to work on his music so we would never have a misunderstanding about "our" time together.
Its been three weeks since I've seen him or talked to him. I feel empty. I have lost the love of my life and I don't know why. And on top of it he has been hurtful and pointed the fingers at me. He acts like this breakup was no big thing and isn't affecting him. I'm sure this all has to do with commit fears but I still will never understand why he chose nothing... over me. :(
