Confused, depressed and I need some advice :(

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06-11-11, 08:19 PM
Kresge1

Confused, depressed and I need some advice :(

Hello my name is Vincent and I am new to these boards. I live in the USA , connecticut.
I am going through a tough time with my GF and I just need some input, another persons perspective.
I have been with someone for just a little bit over two years, her name is Amy and I love her and enjoy the time we spend together. We have both been married and divorced. Two weeks ago I had spent the nite with her and we both left for work, kissed goodbye and then I did not hear from her for a day and 1/2. So I finally called her and asked what's going on and she said we would talk later on. She called me later that nite to tell me she is trying to get her hands around our relationship, of course I was confused, but she said" your a good man with great heart, your decent and you treat me right, you treat me like a princess" my children love you my mother loves and other positive things, but says she does not feel the same way about me. I asked her to elaborate and all she could say was she does not know, she is confused and could not say one negative thing about me. Of course I was upset and said then why are we together and so on, and told I don't deserve this and we should end it now.i wished her the best and we didn't Speak for about 10 days.
I had her friends calling me and her mother to tell me she is a wreck, crying, sad, depressed. Telling everyone that she ruined the best thing that ever happened to her, etc. Obviously I love her and miss her and when the anger was gone I was feeling down and depressed. So I reached out to her on Friday and sent a simple text " I miss you" she responded " I miss you too". She called me and we spoke for about an hour. And then we spoke last nite for
about an hour again..we talked in depth and again there was Nothing but positives about me..she said she loves me, she misses me but there is something different..no specifics just that. I asked if she met someone if she wants my to just give her space. And she said she does not want anyone but me, she does not want me to stop calling or texting her..

She sees a therapist who helped her get through her divorce and I told her she needs to make a appointment I offered to pay for it, so is going to do this tomorrow
Her ex-husband was her best friend and high school sweetheart and her mother told me when he changed and it went sour , that Amy was devastated and hurt and very depressed about it. When think about my relationship with her there have been things like..sometimes I would tell her certain things she said to me were cold, and she always responds back " I am protecting myself" I always say to her " let me in" or " let go and I will catch you". I just felt she never let's her guard down. Recently her father visited and I met him and we had a great time. The next day the father asked if I was " mr right" and she responded he is " mr right now" she told me the same thing and of course I was a bit upset by that comment ..she said " I don't believe in the fairy tales anymore. She always comments about how were together two years.

The reason I am writing all this Is because I am trying to get answers here and for everyone to hear or feel what I am feeling .I am the type of person that puts more emphasis on a person's actions over their words. I fell that her actions..meaning how broken up she is about this, how sad and depressed, how she is crying over it is carrying much more wait then her telling me it feels different.....
I am sorry for the long long story here, but I just need some advice, some guidance...men have you been in a situation like this? To the woman..have you ever felt this way about someone....what do I do??
Vincent
06-11-11, 08:26 PM
NoraLane

She may be getting scared. After being hurt by her ex, the idea of getting involved with someone who she really likes can cause her to retreat. The problem is too often people confuse being scared and retreating emotionally with losing interest in the person romantically. Hang in there. Don't try too hard. Respect her wishes. Give her some space and time to make sense of what she's feeling. Hope it all works out
06-11-11, 08:30 PM
AnnonymousMan

I cannot relate to what your going though as this has never happened to me, but it sounds like she is still affected by the other guy mentally. Maybe she isn't over it yet, sounds like she has trust issues with you which is a result of her previous relationship. She might just need time to get over things or maybe even closure from this other guy. I wouldn't let things bring you down though, especially if she really cares about you as much as she says she does. Fairy tale love doesn't exist and unfortunetly a relationship doesn't get easier the harder you work at it. She needs to accept reality and perhaps find herself again or grow as a person.
06-11-11, 09:32 PM
Dune

Maybe she's scared to commit after being burned before. It's like she definitely wants you because of all your good qualities, but yet, there is something hindering her from pursuing it fully.

I sorta understand how you feel because my gf of 4 years left me without reason. She thinks I'm great and all, I have many good qualities, I get along well with her family etc. but she just decides to end it all after she went overseas. My guess is she got GIGS and just wanted to be single.
06-11-11, 10:03 PM
devonbrown

Maybe she is doubting things because of her ex. Maybe she is feeling things so strongly for you that she is scared. You can think those things if you want, they are possible.

But...

By concentrating on her actions and not her words, you are missing out on some important pieces of information. Namely, the fact that she has said that she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about her. She likes you, she thinks you are a nice guy, and most tellingly, she wants to love you, but something is missing (according to her). There is nothing you can do to change that. She just simply doesn't have the romantic inclination to be seriously interested in you. Sorry.

Good luck.
08-11-11, 04:10 AM
Kresge1

Thank you for the comments. It's appreciated
08-11-11, 05:13 AM
bulrush

Quote:

She called me later that nite to tell me she is trying to get her hands around our relationship, of course I was confused, but she said" your a good man with great heart, your decent and you treat me right, you treat me like a princess" my children love you my mother loves and other positive things, but says she does not feel the same way about me.

She sees a therapist who helped her get through her divorce

I'm glad she's starting to deal with her issues.

Quote:

Her ex-husband was her best friend and high school sweetheart and her mother told me when he changed and it went sour , that Amy was devastated and hurt and very depressed about it.

And now it all comes together. Your girlfriend simply hasn't had enough boyfriends (and enough breakups) to learn coping skills. She sounds a bit naive, which is why she's confused. She also sounds very hurt by her divorce, anyone would be, but she is especially hurt because she got married so young. Marrying young is usually a bad sign. Some couples manage to make it work, most don't. The divorce rate for people who marry young is sky high.

So, yes she is probably not over her divorce, she probably still has issues from it, which would explain why she is confused. The issue here is, she is starting to deal with her insecurities, but this could take years? Do you really want to wait that long, alone, while she deals with her issues? Will she actually take it all the way and deal totally with the issues, or will she stop part way, due to financial, or other issues?

If it were me, I would move on. There are greener pastures somewhere else. Somewhere else, there are women who have dealt with their issues and are ready to love you. I've found them, you can too.