Screwed up big time but... ( warning VERY VERY LONG... only to patient reader ?)

LONG POST, so please if you don\t want to read something really long you should move on X(

Hi community of loveforum,

First of all, let me introduce myself and a bit of background. I am 18 turning 19 was dating (still?) a 19 going 20 years old girl. Go to Cegep ( Quebec school system..). Comes from a screwed up family... My dad married my aunt and my mom is a single mom with no child support. I have gone through a lot of moving / school change and emotional problem I guess (resorting to food as a help emotionally). .

Anyway, enough on me and to my problem. I have met this girl online as I was a shy guy (myyearbook). I never had the intention of meeting a girl online to be honest. This was pure coincidence. I talked to the girl. We talked for HOURS ( I mean hours... probably 7 hours straight many time). And decided to meet. She was my first real relationship. Had 2 before and they were total flop. We met first to go see a movie... the usual. We kissed that night... my first kissed. NOW, it gets more complicated.

We decide to wait to have sex... Which I wanted too because I never wanted to lose my virginity to a girl I didn't know if I loved or if it wouldn't last. However, At easter of 2010 we were on msn and somehow talked about it and it occured about 2 weeks after we met... and we rushed things. Now play forward a bit. A friend of hers say that "You should drop Marc [me]. He doesn't have a job and can't pay for you and doesn't have a car". I suddenly got really threatened and never have been like that before. And I started controlling her. I told her to drop her friend. Now... Don't think I'm a dick... I love seeing people happy but I ACTED like one. Then we had fights about this... a lot. I texted on of my recent new girlfriend that lived in Chicago I met on a student exchange in Italy 2 summers before... I say "I need to hear your sweet voice". No intent of cheating but I know girls... it sounds HELLA bad. However, she took for Caitlin. ( my girlfriend / ex girlfriend). And so I didn"t listen to her thinking that I am a big boy and can handle stuff on my own and being stubborn.

Now imagine me starting being controlling... slowly. Once a car passed by her and honked saying "show your boobs". She didn't but it bothered me. She wasn't wearing anything slu**y, just sweats and a tank top. We have trouble seeing each other now and we live close at the time. She's also having trouble at home. Therefore, we (my mom and I) decide to let her move in.

* SIDE NOTE* My mom is a very materialistic person and is far from having the greatest heart ever. She's nice and all but she has limit. She didn't raised me well. She spoiled me... it was a continous fight between her and my dad to see who would win me. She raised me by being scared of the truth and to become a doctor... I didn't want to... at 5 I read book on history of 900 pages and wanted to be an archeologist but she destroyed my dreams.. */end Side note*

It was decided (caitlin mom's and mine) that she would pay rent (90$ a month). But she didn't have a job and couldn't even pay for a bus pas and had to go to school. So my mom had the BRILLIANT idea of telling her to sue her mom for money if she didn't want to help (terrific example no?).

During that time (around June / July) . I was getting to my worse. I felt threatened by anything. Her going clubbing alone. For instance, she didn't have her phone then and her friend texted me and said , speaking to Caitlin: " Come pick out a dress with me and we'll go clubbing". As an idiot as I am texted back without telling my girlfriend. Now, that angered her. I was also being controlling over what she wears, do, and talk to. In other words I was being a dick and she was caged....

I even told her to drop her dream?!?!?!?! SERIOUSLY? I know heh... I am kinda horrible and I regret... regret so much. Anyway, my mom has enough and we get kick out and go to her mom. we stay there 9 months before her mom kicks us out. Nine months of fighting for nothing. I was EMOTIONALLY DEPENDENT on her. Her or another girl would have been the same. I even told her once I wanted to be with her as much as possible... like really? At some point we even had rules and compromises... and I shouldn't have done that. Relationship is build on trust and love... I guess I learned that the hard way.

Anyway. In January she learns she's pregnant. I went to a snob school where everybody is known to be snobby. I wasn't but could only go to that english school due to quebec stupid laws. And it continued. She said don't tell anybody from your school because of scared of the snobbiness ( a word ? ). She almost tells her bestfriend in Arizona (where she lived before) and I didn't want her too because I was scared (again) she would convince Caitlin to keep the child. I was scared of the responsibilities. I am in school and have no job!!!!! How would I have been a good father?!?!. I had nobody to talk to and talk to a friend from school that I could trust. I told him, out of fear because she kept changing her mind ( abortion - keep - abortion - keep... etc....). So on MSN i tell him " I should have backed out before". I did not mean it... I was just venting. God knows I love the girl. And in a world where I was financially steady and responsible, I would have kept the kid. So fastforward to february 11th. I tell a girl I liked 2 years before "Did you stop talking to me because I told you I liked you?" Her: "No". And we just talked. I needed some information for english and talked about that. I never liked the girl while I was with caitlin...

So she gets the abortion. Everything gets better until she sees those dreadful messages. I am at school and call her. She tells me " I HATE YOU! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE". So i tell her to meet me at a bus stop at that point and talked with her. You know, when a person you love says I hate you... something starts to change in your head because you have to reflect on your own. But maturity is not gained in 1 day as Paris or Rome was built over years. So I talked with her and we stayed together. She told me later on she meant what she said at THAT moment. So we continued and in June we moved out from her mom to my mom while we were looking for an appt. One day we go to a party and we come back. She screams BLOODY murder. I hate when people scream like that. My mom did it to me sometimes throughout my childhood and it gets to me. So it did. But again I was slowly changing and trying to make INHUMAN effort to.

Fast forward after the summer. She doesn't really go out with her friends without me and neither do I trying not to be hypocritical. However understand that at that moment I didn't understand everything and as a lot of people I let in my space and let my guard down all left me throughout my left. This might be an oxymoron but I love her so much I pushed her away. Eventually, she went to school ( cegep) and had to go to a mandatory camping trip. At first I was against it but you know... its school :P. We moved in our appt in August 24th. We go to school and I drop the WHOLE controlling things making REAL progress. She talks to whoever she wants, wear what she wants, go out with who she wants. But I was still being clingy.

She goes on her trip and sleeps in another guy tent (david) but no having sex. Just bashing me all night long.... She comes back saying she missed me and cries. I bought her flowers and wrote her a card and she said i was trying to buy her. Anyway, she talks only about stuff of David and this guy name Aby who she considered her brother. I was getting jealous again... The tent thing didn't help. Anyway we move in another appt in oct 10th closer to school. The guy Aby was getting close to me.

Aby's parents are horrible. They "tortured" him or so he said. I tried to help him and told him: "whenever you want the door is open". As he moved in with us, caitlin grew apart. If i hurt myself she would say " okay..." for Aby: "ARE YOU OKAY?!?". I was there for the guy when he had girl problem, when his uncle died. Opened my door and everything I had to him. A week ago, my girlfriend was pushed over the edge by myself emotionally. So she breaks up. Stupid me, I act immaturely and don't try to talk as an adult. So I push her even more away and 2 days after she goes and kiss aby. I tell him to get the F out of my house. So he does.

Now the problem.... I lost an important part of my life... I mean I loved and still do love her. I lost my virginity to her and wouldn't have done so if I didn't loved her. As she did too... I still had that kid for awhile that i feel remorse for doing that too. ANd eventhough the fighting.... we still had our moments. however, two days ago she's like we are through. I called her yesterday night and we talked for almost 3 hours. SHe says she loves me but doesn't believe I have changed and it is normal because I was given a million last chance.

However as I said, when she said " I HATE YOU" it started in my head... slowly. And losing her and her going to another guy was kinda like a catalyst in my head telling me grow the F up, and stop being so stubborn and immature. Which I stopped. I don't act like that anymore and talk as an adult with her as I should have done. Like today I came back to the appt. and she doesn't mind being naked around me as a "friend" or cuddle with me saying " I love you so much" or see herself with me in her future. But 10 min later its " I can't see the future". Furthermore, at one point she tells me " I need to get over what you have done to me and see you have changed" .... fine but she tells me " I have 50/50 feeling for you and aby". Its kinda telling me.... which one you want? Her friends tell me she wouldn't go for aby and maybe me. Today she was holding my hand... we had a lazy day. We were playing the if game and she does love me. She tells me she "needs her space". Fine, I am ready to move out and be with her again but how long do I wait? Nobody knows... I mean god I was clingy and did horrible things. But if somebody does really change, it doesn't hurt trying again if there are feelings involve

Now i know some of you will tell me, you haven't changed that quickly... true over the span of about 8 months. We should have taken a break before. I am at lost now. She shows she loves and and misses me but doesn't want to be with me as a scared of being hurt again but more time passes more she will lose her love for me no..? And she tells me she will not get over her feelings for me but what I've done...

i am sorry for the long ass post

Thanks and I know I am not a good boyfriend far from it...
But i would like to rectify that.

Dude... Without sounding too harsh you both need to grow up and move on. Between the abortion, the controlling behaviour and insecurity, you talking with other girls you've had feelings for in the past behind her back, her sleeping in a tent with another guy (wtf?) and getting it on with your flatmate (once again wtf?) I'd say it all sounds like a teen soap opera to me... one without rich parents and a happy ending. Either move out or kick both of them out, advertise for another flatmate and just focus on school. This relationship sounds like a total headgame and you're both to blame. You both come from messed up families and you need to work out what it means to be a well adjusted and happy person and I really don't think either of you can do that while she's yanking your chain all the time. Plus controlling a girl is the fastest way to get her to find someone else to pay her attention. Also I'm alarmed by the comment you made about her friend telling her to ditch you because you can't 'pay for her'. In this day and age women aren't sitting around at home with mum and dad waiting for a potential suitor to take care of her for the rest of her days. She is quite capable of going out and getting her own job if she's that concerned about her finances.

what you said is understandable. but we still have feelings and still want to give it a last try. I mean she wants to stay friends for hte moment and see where we go. Shes still holding me hand, still saying I love you and she went to another guy for whatever reason. i mean now I have a job and pay for half my rent and have an appartment with her.

her friend just said that but that was almost a year and a half ago.

By the way, our family aren't messed up but not the best situation either.... We had sex 3 days ago after she kissed the other guy. She's just saying she is confuse and can't decide and is scared i haven't changed. You know... She still changes in front of me. Now this morning she's like Get out when she did. I asked her why.... she told me cause yesterday I said if she changed in front of me it it meant she did love me. She said yes. So yeah... i don't know where I stand and I won't give up until I know I have no chance... I just don't know how to deal with this.