a questioning... to myself!!!
She got into the train all dreamy eyed with an awesome gaze in her eyes never seen before by anyone. Her heart was thumping as if maybe she had run a million miles.It was this feeling in her that she had never felt before with anyone, a part of that space that existed in her which she was very well aware of and always wanted to experience and now it had become a part of her . what ever you call it this girl was absolutely going haywire thinking of what had happened last nite. She remembered him so much while boarding the train, getting inside the coach , she kept feeling the warmth in her mouth, she couldn’t think of anything but him… for the first time something had touched her, she trusted this felt this would be here to stay and because she had waited so long everything will now fallinto place just like they see stuff’ “ highly unrealistic” in the movies and that silly novel mills n boon. Which everyone reads at some point of time. She was a dreamer no doubt but she dint know where it all was gonna lead to.
No I dint make out .. it was kiss or rather kisses 11 french ones yup and just lil bit more .. I counted im nuts! That’s what she told me as soon as she got back to the hostel . She was as excited as a baby whos just learnt to walk. She was almost bumping into people and fiddling with her cell phone as now she suddenly realised she had to charge that old ulgy cell phone of hers. She ran up and down from my room to get her charger, tripping on the stairs once , finally she got it and plugged it in… she was still thinking thinking of him till it drove her absolutely insane. He was amazing, the way her held her and kissed her a million times and then had a tough time letting her go. But he had to coz that is what he wanted and now she even had to
U KNOW THE MIDDLE PART OF THIS>>>>>>> LAST NITE WAS THE END I GUESS BUT I STILL DON’T HOPE MAYBE I SHOULD RITE NOW…. WHY DID MAKE ME SO THICK LORD>>>>>>!!!!!
There is no such word as love maybe it is.. but wat dominates everything is lust… love doesn’t last… never, there is a real phenomenon attached to it which tells you that you have been in absolute shit all this while. Dreams cant come true never then why does one dream of anything I mean.. Why do I dream of him, or a good life or anything.. I aspire I work at it.. then if it doesn’t happen I feel bad so isn’t it better for all those people who never dream … never even try or even if they do they just know where does the thought process in head ends and then completely detach themselves from their dreams and hopes.. I think that’s what works.. Mom, grandma you’ve told me to be a nice person I guess your definitions were warped… Honest confessions and holding on to ur dreams doesn’t take u anywhere. Hey man what did I get after waiting for so long a guy I love who thinks I could be bettered in ways… n im not his types.. I love him like crazy…been wat u call honest true and shit.. n now im here listening to some sick songs and thinking of ways to get him outta my life which is next to impossible. I do know what I was doing… I was holding on to something which was never mine… never even for a minute and yeah I am so impossible im thinking of holding on to it for life. Hell.. I know it’s a disaster here!!!! Get me outta it will u,……….god almighty….. whoever is there who is supposed to love all the nice girls around. I have believed in u and ur philosophy of hope.. love . miracles I know I was disillusioned all this while..I wish I never grew on those thoughts. Whatever you love has to go away.. and nothing is here to stay then why do we attach any emotions at all to anything… Cant u live like a rock guess some of us can. But u made me the other way round. What is true here I seek an answer… If all he said was fake and if my ears only heard the good things its whose fault..??? and I know its not affecting him jack but it ruined my sleep for so many days… I did all the wrong things to get him, I thought something will work now I have tried everything seems it’s a complete failure what went wrong.. did it start on a wrong note was it one of the biggest mistakes I ever made was it a sin to love someone I dint know so well.. I thought this once my gut feeling would work.. lord I cant function practically.. thinking checking the pros and cons of anything.. I mean I do but I guess I should have been more careful…maybe slapped him when he kissed maybe not spoken to him ever never spoken at all.. never discovered what was deep inside that guy who kissed me a million times that his heart was pure and loving and deep down he was the most amazing guy ! a guy who I would wanna put on a pedestal for the first time in my life, who I wish knew me.. I wish loved me I wish felt the same way for me as I do.. who when held me close.. I wish was doing that coz of love coz you had sent him to me.. coz I always thought ud send someone someday whos gonna be so worth it… But I dint realise I need to refine myself so much more coz if I thought being good at heart well its very very individualistic what u call good at heart but if I was anywhere close to the morally correct good at hart types I don’t think it takes me anywhere as of now. The women who got popularity were the very detached , giving in to lust morally warped.. so it makes me question everything here .. The morals taught to me dont lead me anywhere …….a lot of things inherited in built coz of my upbringing wat nani said and ma is it all farse……. Is it fake.. well maybe it is.. but even if it is.. I cant believe in it.. yeah im a dreamer I know.. u cant change me …that’s what keeps me going.. the moment I stop dreaming I will maybe die.. so where do we go from here anywhere at all. Or even wen today I see him ill go mad.. no I guess it shuld be over now.. all of it completely……………….and don’t dream don’t .. even if it costs u a bomb.. DON’T DREAM DON’T Fall youre gonna survive sweetheart, **** I hate this word… I don’t like the word slut and I hate being a sweetheart NOW get me outta this pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……………. Getting busy with other stuff now not thinking I wish I could do a ctrl alt del to my mind my heart my soul and so on…….all the time the memories are maybe not worth keeping even if they mean my life to me.. I think I will function this way from now.. Inspired n motivated to do all that…….GOD thanks for the lesson..
