Love Triangle...

Hi everybody. Just a few short months ago the idea that I would be seeking advice on a love forum would have been absurd to me. But here I am doing just that and I hope some of you find my story interesting and can maybe even help me a little...

It all started 25 years ago when I was just a pimply faced 15 year old just starting to discover girls. My first real relationship was with a girl 2 years older than me, Tabitha, and by the time I hit 16 we were living together. The only problem was I was madly in love with her cousin, Stacey. I stayed with Tabitha for 6 years but always wondered what it would be like to be with Stacey, but she was always with the same guy, who ended up having 2 girls with her. I used to babysit the girls and we were all very close for all of those 6 years.

A few years after I split from Tabitha I also lost contact with Stacey and never saw her again until about 4 years ago, when she found me on Facebook. There was about a 12 year gap in between us seeing each other. In the meantime I moved on, met another woman, Lisa, and we eventually got married and had kids of our own, a boy and a girl. But when I finally met up again with Stacey, all the feelings I had before instantly came rushing back. Her and my wife hit it off straight away and I also became good friends with her new man, Mark. For 4 years the 4 of us did many things together and all enjoyed each others friendship, but deep down I knew I still had feelings for her. After getting to know her again it became obvious to me as a mature adult that she was my soulmate. We had the same sense of humor, the same opinion on things, and when we were together in a group situation we would always gravitate towards each other. We loved each other as friends and we would send private FB messages all the time. But it was strictly a lifelong friendship at that stage. Harmless flirting, but nothing sinister. We really were just best friends. She would always start her messages by calling me BFF (best friend forever)

This is where it gets complicated...
After being married for 17 years I had fallen out of love with Lisa. I still loved her but I was not in love with her. She became complacent and never put any effort into our relationship. I would try to do nice things together but she would always find a reason why we couldn't. Our sex life also started to suffer and I made the decision to leave her. The slide from in love to out of love probably took a year or tw and by the end I really was very unhappy. It was an extremey hard thing to do and it's the worst feeling knowing you are upsetting somebody so much, but I had to do it for myself. I am still there for the kids and see them as often as I can. Then about 6 months ago, just prior to my break up, Stacey split up with Mark. He became a little psychotic over it and started to threaten her with violence. I'm a big strongly built guy and Stacey called on me to protect her from him a few times. I guess the whole damsel-in-distress syndrome struck and I had to tell her I felt for all these years. We never acted on it and she told me I would be crazy to throw away 17 years of marriage just because we had hit a few bumps. But I knew in my mind that this is what I wanted. So I ended things and moved out on my own. In the meantime Stacey had a brief encounter with another guy but it was nothing serious at the time. He lived in another state and only came here a few times a year for business. After a month or so being on my own the inevitable happened... Stacey and I got together. From the outset she made it clear that we weren't a couple. She called us friends with benefits. I was just over the moon to finally be with the girl of my dreams so I didn't care what she called it !

But over the course of a month it became more serious to the point where we were together every weekend and sometimes one night through the week as well. As much as we said we weren't a couple, we really were. We would hold hands everywhere we went, we were texting 30-40 times a day back and forth and said we loved each other all the time. We both said many times that the month of october was one of the best of our lives. In my mind we were together. She would keep reminding me every now and then that we were still friends with benefits and that we should not rush into a relationship so soon after coming out of long term ones. I agreed that this was a good idea and was happy to keep whatever arrangement she was comfortable with. Or so I thought !

Enter the interstate businessman. He returned to our state for work and immediately contacted Stacey. As we were not a couple but told each other everything she was honest to say that she was going to be seeing him while he was here. This is where my world came crashing down and why I am compelled to write on this forum right now. As I write this she is with him. She seees nothing wrong in it and I guess the rules we laid out to begin with, she is doing nothing wrong. But it doesn't stop my heart breaking everytime I think about it. I have loved this girl for 25 years and even though we said we weren't a couple I hoped that we would end up spending the rest of our lives together. She told me that we weren't over and we are supposed to be spending next weekend together. I am trying to be cool with it and not be the jealous boyfriend but it's a very difficult thing to do. To be totally honest I want to go there now and strangle him to death with my bare hands !

So here is the part where I need advice. Should I also play the game and be happy being a swinging single ? I have a few girls that have shown interest but I was happy just being with Stacey. Should I go and pursue them ? Plenty of time to settle down with her later down the track. Am I missing out ? Or should I just wait and hope that she comes to her senses ? Since I've knwn them both for their whole lives I am like a father to her 2 daughters (now both in their early 20's) and they want her to end up with me. They know her better than anybody and tell me she loves me and the other guy is just just a rebellious phase and she will soon realise how much she cares about me and will settle down. She has only been with 4 guys her whole life so it's not like she is normally this way but I guess after being attached for so many years she says she wants to enjoy being single. Like I said, according to the rules we set she is doing nothing wrong but she knows it's hurting me greatly.

So that's my story. Hope it wasn't too boring and that maybe somebody out there has some advice for me. I am really feeling helpless about all of it and don't want to do something I can't undo. I almost contacted her to tell her I can't do this but I know I will miss her too much if this was to end. She is the woman of my dreams and I can't imagine my life without her. But at the same time I don't know if I can share her with others until she is ready to decide what she wants to do with her life.

Thanx for reading. Any comments/thoughts/opinions are greatly appreciated...
:-)

Tough situation, in your shoes i think i'd have to tell her that you can't do the sharing thing, you've got feelings towards her and this is hurting too much. It does put her on the spot and it might very well end up with an outcome you are not happy with. Personally i couldn't stand by knowing she was with someone else.

Another option though is to wait it out. I'm assuming this businessman doesn't spend long in state, so when he leaves you then have another few weeks/months just you and her, a lot could change in that time. If however when he comes back again she still wants to see him it could hurt you far more than dealing with it now.

Sorry but it is plain to see she does not and will not ever feel the same way as you do with her. Sticking around hoping she will change is a waste of time....as the Rolling Stones sang "You can't always get what you want". Just because you loved her for the last 25 years doesn't mean you deserve to have her. Reality of this is, that it is too much to bare, and now it's time for you to finally let go.

I would wait it out. Maybe her kids are right with what they say, If you guys really love eachother and she is just having this phase coming out of a long relationship and needing time and yes, some distraction, a little patience is definitely worth it.

Thanx for the responses everybody. Some interesting thoughts there.
My thinking is that if I have waited 25 whats another month or two ? But still, it is hard to deal with right now.
Appreciate the comments...

How long is this guy in town for?

You should settle down with Stacey. Don't be afraid to commit. You will thank yourself for making this decision.