Lost the love of my life / Alcoholic / Please Help!

This is my first time posting... I lost the most wonderful woman of my life due to Alcoholism and I'm devastated. I know most responses will be to just "simply move on..." true, true...but I cant seem to get her out of my head. So I thought I would write about it instead of drinking over it. I've been sober since Aug 12th.

Before you judge me as an alcoholic, please understand it is a deadly, selfish all-consuming disease that effects all aspects of lives including the ones we love. It involves the mind, body and spirit. It is pure hell. We hurt the people we love most and hold near and dear in our hearts. Ohhh, the sick irony of an addict.

So here is what happened. My girlfriend and I were completely in love. (And I do still love her very much) We had made plans for our future, my son just adored her, my family loved her and I'm pretty sure her family loved me at some point. We often spoke that when we met fate was working that day because it was so random. And I believe that. Maybe it was to save my life instead of living each others lives out together.

After moving in with each other things were going fantastic! We were a wonderful family unit. She couldnt get enough of me and I couldnt get enough of her. But alcoholism was doing "push-ups" behind the scenes and getting ready for a weak moment. A part of my past snuck up on me and caught me blindsided. I got pretty upset so I opened a bottle for a glass of wine. I literally could not stop as much as I wanted to. Trust me, I wanted to desperately. It continually got worse and worse behind her back. I hid it, lied and became delusional. That is not the person my family raised me to be. I am a successful businessman, college degreed, US Navy Veteran and Eagle Boy Scout for crying out loud!! I was shameful and full of guilt.

It got to the point where I would take $5 here or $10 there out of her purse in order to get buzzed. While she was in the shower in the morning, I could hear her singing, laughing and just loving life thinking she had the most wonderful man around. I on the other hand was shaking and sweating from anxiety lying in bed. As soon as I had that money in my hand my anxiety immediately went away. I got so so so low in the depths of alcoholism, I even pawned some items, but I did get them back. It is the sick, sick warped mind of an active alcoholic.

So, she called me out and we obviously broke up and I went on a drinking tear. I was trying to drink myself to death. It was just awful. I lived in and out of blackouts for about 4 months doing things I didnt know I was doing. It is pure hell. At one point I screamed to God to either kill me or put me in jail. He was listening. I got a DUI going less than 10mph in a parking lot. l I told the cop "thank you" and meant it.

I wrote her a very lengthy letter explaining my past, and how I got there; molested at a young age, death of a best friend, terrible divorce years ago that complicates today, mother is an alcoholic, uncle died from alcoholism etc... and the response I got was "I dont give a s**t, Im dating a real man now, you're just as stupid as I thought you were, alcoholism is just a pathetic excuse, you're just a peice of s**t" etc..." I'd like to think she said those things out of pure rage, hate and anger. But I dont know.

Today I am sober, shes moved on with her life and I am dealing with the wreckage of my past. I am heavily involved in recovery and I know I am NOT the man that did those things now(in a sober life) and I am a better version. I absolutley cherished and adored her and I firmly believe that she did love me. Part of the steps in recovery require making amends. I tried in the past and failed miserably (I tried although still drinking though emails). It just made things way worse. And I dont know where to start. Probably just to tell her" thank you" for saving my life.

Do any women have any experiences with a person like me? Do y'all have any suggestions on how to make the proper impact through amends? I never want to hurt anyone again for selfish reasons and or for self-gratification. At all EVER! I cant make this person love me again, nor is it my right to inject myself into her life. I'm trying to forgive myself and beg for the forgiveness of others... Thanks!