confusing breakup won't stop haunting me. advice?
so, this is a longish story but i'll try to be basic in my descriptions, bear with me please!
a year ago i met a very sweet guy who asked me out and proceeded to be seemingly gaga in love with me. within a week or 2 he was pressing for exclusivity and speaking tentatively of a future. he seemed absolutely genuine, but i instinctively didn't trust the speed of the romance and held back a bit: i was always the one putting on the breaks, trying to keep it more 'casual'. our chemistry is phenomenal and the kissing was the best in my life, but outside of bed there were some issues i saw in terms of being 'life partners': he was irresponsible with money and practical things, very emotional and dreamy but lacking in real-life practicality. he's a few years younger than me which is maybe relevant.
after a few months (maybe 6 months?) we had had a few conflicts and the thought of losing him was unpleasant enough i started coming around: i told him i loved him, i actively pondered what the relationship meant to me and decided to try to be more patient and open to him, to just 'go for it'. when i told him i loved him his eyes filled with tears and he was just beaming, so heartfelt and beautiful.
so not long after this, at about the 8month mark he went away to america to visit his parents for a couple of weeks. while he was gone he gradually wrote me and called less often but i figured that was because he was busy.
upon his return we met for a dinner-date. he'd just flown into germany that morning, had jet lag and we hadn't seen each other in 2 weeks. everything started quite alright until i criticized him for not having learned german in the 4 years he's lived here (he always 'plans' to start classes but doesn't do it). basically i said 'it's high time you do this'. he very quickly riled up and obviously without planning it broke up with me. i was totally shocked.
3 days later he wanted to meet to talk about what happened: he started saying he hadn't planned to end it but he felt it had been the right thing to do because he needs to grow as a person and he can't do that with me beside him. so we talked calmly about this for a while and then he said he really wanted to come home with me and he got very sentimental and begged me to forgive him, said he hadn't meant it and all he'd really needed was a good talk. he said he wanted to work on it. we both apologized.
so... we spent the next 10 days blissful and mostly in bed, the sex was better than ever in a very 'lovey' way, endless passionate kissing etc, until...
he suddenly told me he was going away for 3 days to see a theater piece with his ex girlfriend (it was a professional trip), and because he didn't have money he was going to stay in her hotel room. i was totally surprised and only said i didn't feel comfortable with that. literally in those words. and he said 'don't worry... i can stay with someone else if necessary and i'll call you a few times a day etc etc it'll be ok'. so i tried to put it out of my mind. but he didn't call me.
the next i heard from him was when he returned, 3 days later. i texted him saying i had a bad feeling, asking if my fears were founded and he answered 'your fears are unfounded! on my way back and speak to you soon'.
when i called him i was upset he'd disappeared for 3 days with the ex without thinking of my feelings at all. i wasn't totally hysterical but i was riled up, and demanded to know how he thought that was a reasonable way to treat me.
he started cold, defensive and unapologetic and hinted at might be over between us. i flipped out and demanded to know, was he breaking up with me again? to this he said yes.
so.
the next day he calls me very earnest and nearly in tears 'i've made a terrible mistake. i've thought long on this and i know i do not want any other woman in the world but you. how can i make it better.'
incidentally, he says nothing sexual happened with the ex, and i believe him, but i still find it disturbing how he manipulated my feelings.
so anyway i met him 1 more time... he said a lot of things and seemed deeply regretful... the main thing was his total inability to be clear about anything. everything said was a contradiction, he was not able to stay with one decision for over 30mins it seemed. i felt like it was freaking me out and said i don't want to hear from him until he knows what he wants for real.
so a few days later i tried to call him (a mistake surely) and he didn't answer.
the next day i got an email saying he had found a great deal of 'peace and clarity' in the last days and was planning to meet me in the future to 'say a few difficult words in person'.
incidentally, during all of this i was deeply involved in exam preparation, and both times he broke up with me were monday nights, late, ensuring i'd have a crappy night and struggle with my workload.
....anyway.... all of a sudden he said he 'didn't want to disturb me during my exams' and i'd have to wait to hear about his 'peace and clarity' until i was done with them.
i was so fed up and upset by this time that i wrote him back saying if he had something to say he could write it in a mail and i didn't feel like waiting around for him and his selfish feelings anymore. i was pretty snappy.
no answer to this.
a week later i was speaking with a friend who works as a psychotherapist and she commented he sounds like he has narcissistic personality traits, which i looked up and it totally fit what i've been experiencing. i sent him an email with a link to a webpage describing these traits. i'm not proud of this, but i couldn't help it.
to this he replied 'it is now clear we can not continue. i am sorry for my confusion and disregard for your feelings. i think it is best that we leave it at that for now'.
soooo... now it's been a few more weeks,
and i feel like dirt. i think of him every morning, i can't help it. i'm not crying or unable to function, but i have a thick cloud of this around me and i can't shake it.
christmas is coming and he had our first dates last year in december: christmas themed. we even roasted a turkey together and ate the leftovers in bed for a week. i'm struggling with memories and regret. i'm not sure if i made horrible mistakes here. i really really miss him, almost as a physical pain.
today, after 2 weeks without contact, i left a message on his machine apologizing for my actions, i said i believe he's a good person deep down and i was just so confused i lashed out.
i don't expect an answer.
but it's driving me crazy: what was all that? was he ever in love? did i chase him away? was he worth having in the first place? how could i be so in love and so critical too?
i don't know how to find closure. sending the apology today was a stab at that: i realized i can't extract a response from him but i can at least control my own actions and an apology is a start. but if he never answers i have to leave him alone, don't i? we have many friends in common and will surely meet within months if not weeks. i wish i felt more ok.
part of me thinks he was manipulating me all along, fishing for my love as some sort of competition. because if he really loved me, wouldn't he be happy when i said i loved him too??? i don't think 6 months was sooo late to say that. but he dumped me pretty fast afterwards.
i'd love and comments or advice as to how to move on or what you all think might have happened.
i'm feeling very lost.
and, unfortunately, though it's been over a month and a half since we split, i don't feel 1 iota better about it. zero moving on so far.
?
thanks for reading!
