Emotional Confusing rollercoaster *Long Read* Help very much appreciated
First of all thank you for opening my thread. Secondly Im thoroughly confused.
Allow me to begin. Last monday (1 week ago today) my girlfriend arrived over and said she wanted to break up. I was calm and tried to work out her reasons but she was crying so much that alot of what she said made no sense to me. She told me she loved me but its not enough. She told me its too hard and a few other things. Eventually a break up turned into a 2 week break which then was a 1 week break and now is a 2 week break again. I can post a full transcript of what was said if needed. Also, she has told me there is no one else multiple times and I believe her.
On wednesday I had been looking back on the last few months at how I had behaved and I wasnt happy with myself. I felt I needed to talk to her and tell her this. I felt really bad and guilty and understood now that I hadnt shown her enough affection over the last 4 months. Dont get me wrong, by no means was I abusive or destructive or did I cheat on her or even flirt with another girl when we were together but my lack of affection was very evident. Its not the person I am or the person I want to be, before that I was great, I was the boyfriend I always wanted to be but I lost myself along the way.
Last Thursday I had been doing some soul searching and I broke the rules and sent her a text asking if I could meet her on Sunday. She replied saying she thought I didnt want to text and said yes we can meet on Sunday and then asked me how I was. We texted back and forth on Thursday, I tried to keep it light and not ask her too many questions. If the conversation died I left it dead but she would revive it. That night she called me asking what I wanted to talk about on Sunday. I asked her to please wait, if she really wants to know Ill tell her but Id prefer it face to face. She then said she would text me tomorrow (Friday) after work.
Friday came and she didnt text me. I was a bit confused. I however had to contact her to inform her of when I will be available to hand over tickets to a gig that was on Saturday night. After that we texted back and forth for a while and I asked if Sunday was still ok and she said it was. She was just surprised I was so assertive that its not like me. Conversation died and I left it, she didnt revive it.
Saturday I got a text from her at 4 saying "please dont forget the tickets :)" I replied saying she would have them before 6 and there was no more texting. I walked into her work and unfortunately she was at the counter. She looked shocked to see me and immediately looked away. I thought she was going to cry. I gave her the tickets, said have fun and left before she could reply. I felt a bit like I was too abrupt so I text her saying "hope they awesome, have a great time". She didnt reply.
Sunday came and she text me saying she would be home at 4 and we could meet after 6. I asked if 7 was ok. She agreed. I arrived over there at 7 and she seemed in a good mood. We went to her room and she asked me how my night was and I told her and gave a fair few details. I asked how her night was and she didnt really give me any details.
I told her, in the least apologetic way I could manage that I felt I hadn't been good enough in the relationship. Soon as I started she butted in and said there were some good things and I asked her to please wait, I need to say these things for me, not us, just me. So i told her how I had time to look back over the last few months and that for my own standards I simply was not good enough. She asked for examples, I gave them. That I was unhappy with how I was as a boyfriend and how I made mistakes and have learned and will never make those mistakes again with anyone, a different girl or her.
She also told me she wasn't feeling very sad. She thought she would be more upset. That maybe its because we only on a break and on an actual break up she would be sad but shes not sure. Honestly felt like shouting at her "ITS CAUSE YOU DUMPING ME, I GET THE BAD FEELINGS!" but I stayed quiet and continued what I was saying noting that for someone who wasnt very sad her eyes kept tearing up.
Then I spoke about the things she did that I took for granted and she stopped me and said "I havent been the best either, Ive been lazy" - I stopped her, told her that we can argue who didnt do this or who didnt do that but that will only lead us to exactly where we are now, Ive been looking at myself and my own actions and I am not happy with them and thats why I am there.
I would really like to find ways which we can both try that are not as draining but will help give us a happier healthier relationship. I understand I have been neglectful in some ways and want to be more tentative sensitive to your needs.
I said this but in different more dragged out words with examples. I also said how we need to work on better communication and she agreed with me. She then asked me some questions about how I behaved in fights. She brought up a fight we had in Paris where she insulted my friend and stormed off when I stuck up for my friend. Although I think she realized that was her in the wrong and she dropped it pretty quick. She agreed that she has also been focusing on the negatives too much. I also asked her about her previous comment about us not having much of the same interests and pointed out many interests we share. Then she was about to say something, said no I cant its too mean, I encouraged her to be honest and then she said I didnt really have any interests, all I do is work, play computer games and play football. This confused me a bit, all she does is go to college, watch tv and work weekends. So I suggested we do more things together, explore our common interests more, she agreed it would be a good idea and invited me to see a film. I was confused and asked if she just asked me on a date or if it was just out of habit. She said "A date... if you want. But I dunno", she then decided it was too soon and I agreed.
The conversation moved towards getting back together, she said she completely believes I will do everything I have said, asked me how I would feel if we broke up, I said id be upset but I know its not the end of the world and I have learned alot and know how to better myself, she also said she has been disheartened for months, I asked her what she meant by disheartened and she said unloved and taken for granted, she quickly added that she knows she has taken me for granted in some ways too. She then reiterated she completely believes I will do everything I have said but, she doesn't know if it will be enough to make her happy again and she is worried that it wont and in 2 months time we will just break up anyway (this happened to her best friend and my friend 6 months ago), she also said she doesn't know about the future, she says she cant really see me in her future and if there's no future what is the point? I asked her where she sees herself in 10 years? Or in 5 years? Or even next year? She said she didn't know, still in college next year.
Personally I think she is afraid of being stuck in a relationship where the love has gone. Her parents are like that and she always gives out about how much she hates that. I joked about last year when she told me she was planning on going to america and that Id be left behind so what is the point in being in a relationship thats definitely going to end and she told me to stop thinking about the future and just be happy now. She agreed she was worrying too much but she is still afraid and needs more time to think. Then she asked if I would stay to watch some tv with her. I suggested it would be a bit weird. So we agreed no contact and we will meet up next Sunday to talk.
Now Im wondering if by being unapologetic that I have given her reason to worry. But I didnt want to be too apologetic for risk of driving her away. Also, last year I made her these little miniature bunny rabbits holding hands and doing cute things. A friend of mine suggested that I make her one and post it to her before Sunday. I like the idea as it will show that I want to be that guy again but at the same time Im not sure if she would consider it to be me invading her space and will drive her away. Apart of me feels she needs me to do something to convince her and show her but at the same time Im afraid of causing her problems.
I feel so bad for how I have treated her, she told me I wasnt bad but feels the "good" things I actually did are standard things anyone would do in a relationship and I am completely committed to being the boyfriend she once had.
Just wanna add, all of the presents and the little models I made her are still on display around her room. I expected to find them all shoved out of sight which is what she did with our facebook status.
