Chinese water torture- am I the only one? first time on a forum
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Have you ever felt stuck? Felt like you would let everyone down if you admitted how you felt? Well, how you thought you felt cause you don’t really know- you can’t know unless you talk to someone else about it and say the words out loud, say what you don’t want to say cause the moment you say it- it might become true and no longer just thoughts. Thoughts are easy to control- are they? You would think so as they are your thoughts so you are controlling what they think right? So why is that that we have so many thoughts that we don’t want, that we push to the back of our minds that we crush and box up in our subconscious and only every now and then during a moment of weakness they crawl unsuspectingly out from under the carpet and grab you by the ankles, pulling you down to your knees in pain, willing it to stop and leave you to live the life you are being told to, the life that you have become accustomed to, the life you thought you wanted.
Every doubt you doubt again just to test if the doubt is real or if you can double bluff it to make it all better again. All around people are constantly repeating the same questions over and over again, like Chinese water torture.....drip, drip, drip..... and you repeat the same reply each and every time becoming harder to phrase, harder to pronounce harder to accept until one day you say it and it hurts, its physically cuts into your stomach and grips your heart and lungs until you are scared-any tighter you will pass out. From that day on you fight. You fight with yourself, your true self, yourself belief, you fighting you. Fighting not to allow your-self to fall into its grips; avoiding conversations, skipping around the truth. After a while you create a lie, you have to, to save yourself from the public humiliation that only you notice. The feeling of neglect, belittling, pity and sarcasm, a strange mix of them feeling sorry for you to your face while telling you that he loves you and that when the time is right it will come and all will be a fairy tale. I used to believe them, used to have the hope, the dreams and the strength- I’m losing it.
It’s hard when at least twice a week you are asked, told, reminded. Suddenly it’s no longer just mentioned in passing by the odd few who you haven’t seen in a while; it becomes more than ‘polite’ chit chat and pleasantries- although who decided it was acceptable conversation after discussing the weather I don’t know- must be someone who has never felt it. It’s when ‘it’s’ mentioned by friends, family and then moves out to work colleagues and spreads like poison ivory.
“One day he will realise, you know he couldn’t live without you, you are perfect for each other, he loves you to the depth of his heart and back again, he knows he has something/someone special....”
Really? How do you know this? Are you mystic Meg?-even if you were I couldn’t believe you know what you’re talking about- fell into that trap before and came out with only bruises. How is it that you all know, what he is thinking, or to that fact, what I am thinking? Where is this public notice board of two people’s thoughts and feelings? I am sure it would be an interesting read. Mine would be full of mistakes that I cross out then re-write again to make it sound more acceptable- not for others but for my own reading.
Commitment- a scary and quite formal word for what is in effect suppose to be a happy, secure and emotional, trusting action.
Com•mit•ment [kuh-mit-muh nt]
noun
1.the act of committing.
2.the state of being committed.
3.the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.
4.a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitmentto pay our bills on time.
5.engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment to religion.
A Interesting word with 5 explanations but one meaning.
Quite like LOVE- one word which is used in many contexts throughout society, you can love a person, a pet a lifestyle, you can love a home an object a community, you can also love food, chocolate, drink... but you are only IN LOVE with those who truly mean the world to you- some say you can choose to fall in love, others say its fate- some scientists reckon its biological and chemical reactions, nothing to do about your thoughts just a plain and simple genetic design which causes you to regress into animal and rely on hormonal senses and instinctive decision making. If only it could stay that simple.
How is it possible to spend almost five years of your life with a person, growing to develop and mutate into a character that they approve of and who you can stomach, when others seem to keep ‘true’ to themselves and have a relationship, or do they? Are they just doing the same but not recognising it? Do we really shape ourselves on other’s desires? Or do we pretend to ourselves that that is what is happening or has happened as it is easier to blame other people than it is to accept responsibly for your-self.
Is it the old saying that the grass is greener but at the same time the fear of the unknown prevents you from stepping out of the warm blanket into the cold night?’ The cold night’: a good metaphor for the feeling that it may bring, the damp the drizzle, the dark corners without any protection. That’s what you want to believe- it’s better to think that way if you thought it would be butterflies and fairy droplets then it would be too easy it would lure you without much of a second thought- the dark night has to be there to make you reconsider and think again before shutting the door behind you.
You plan to be angry and upset at him; and you try, you do-you get annoyed about the smallest of things and you sulk and moan, tut and groan to try to get him to realise that you’re not feeling content. You mention the ‘good old days’ and attempt to remind him that you are still there out of choice and not because you always will be. Some days you rejoice and feel thankful for all that you have- which is much more than many and from the outside in a perfect set up- it is true you are lucky, you are one of the ones who some look upon and wish they were in the same boat- is it that you are just selfish and needy, always wanting more and expecting to get what you want? POSSIBLIY. But maybe there is the other side that YES you are needy, you are selfish and you do want to get what you want- but you suppress it as much as possible even though you can’t change, that is you.
The same you who have spent the last 24 years attempting to prove to the world and yourself that you are not a failure and that you do deserve what others have- and you will work for it both physically and emotionally. Others may not see it but you do push through as best you can, we all make mistakes, we all **** up that’s what makes us human right? But we shouldn’t punish ourselves forever- as long as we do our best to correct it.
Maybe that’s it.... punishment.
The feeling of self pity tastes like vomit- how disgraceful and disgusting. Why do we try to control everything? Why does it have to be a certain way, there is no such thing as one way so why fight it?
The amazing thing is this whole word mass typed above seems to all relate to the one thing that at this moment in time is something which would be rejected. Something you can want, wish for a dream about obsessively turns into something terrifying. If questions are so strong so complex so unanswered: how could you possibly be true to yourself, to your partner if you said yes? The very fact that the words above exist are black and white proof- although grey would describe the words truer. A misty shade of grey- unclear, messed up, muddled.
You can’t ask someone to love you and be true to you if you don’t love and are not true to yourself.
You believe you are controlled by a force stronger than your own decision making process- it can’t be- you have made the decision to follow suit and to comply with others views- you decide your own actions so how can you for a second think you have not decided to act in a certain way, to do certain things, you can’t ignore the fact that you are the one who controls you. But you allow others to believe, act, and say they have the power. WHY? Why is there anything good, acceptable about that?
You try to console yourself, to prove to yourself your doing the right thing and you know it will all work out in the end- that is what everyone ELSE is telling you, and keeps telling you and continues to remind you.
You attempt to build back your confidence in your hopes and dreams by skirting round the sides, taking a peak at what could be round the corner- seeing if you are both wanting the same. Most of the time the words match: similar phrases meet in the middle to create a picture you both think you can see. It’s the actions, the unconscious things that seem to give it away. The slow avoidance of topics; of discussions: of willingness to dream. The words; mine, not ours creeps back in, I and you instead of us, those tiny words- the difference between safety and fear.
Reality is scary, especially when it can be life changing, challenging, and unknown. Is that not why we hold hands, walk forward together and make decisions and risks as a team- it only takes one man to start a battle but more to win the war. Saying that, you BOTH have to be sure that the risk is worth it and that you trust you will win together not struggle through alone.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me...... don’t believe it, they do. Its words which stick inside your head and eat at your light, they linger in your ears whispering at night, cut through you like a knife, draining the life from your heart they cause doubt, pain, suffering and on-going internal shame- broken bones can be healed, fixed and forgotten about- words fester.
People believe they are helping you out, they talk like they are there to fix things, like after they have told you over again and again one day something will click and they will be the guardian angel who made it all happen- no matter how many times you ask them to stop, ignore them until they go away they just don’t get it. That reminding you that you are just not good enough ‘at the moment’ that you ‘will be one day’ that ‘she was not better than you’ doesn’t help.
