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Originally Posted by
confusedinohio
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Alright. We were "friends" before we slept together.
How long were you "friends" before you slept with him? What great friend-like-things did you do together without having had sex before you had sex?
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I actually thought I'd end up hurting him, as he just got out of a long term relationship.
yet you went ahead even though you thought you'd hurt your good friend? That was rather selfish of you wasn't it? You thinking you'd hurt your "friend" but you went ahead anyway because you wanted it.
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After a few weeks weeks of "hooking up", things came up as to what we were and he said that we would "go with the flow" and we would know if "things changed" and we wanted more from it.
"Go with the flow." Sounds like he didn't want anything with strings but he would let you know when he had enough of the playing. Which, is exactly what he did. You wanted him to define things yet he just dazzled you with his science and didn't define a GD thing.. and you let him get away with that because you were desperate to take any crumb he was willing to give you. "Go with the flow" is a way to keep getting what you want without rocking the boat.
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It was in August that I actually fessed up with my real feelings. Told him I liked him a lot, and really would like more from our situation. He told me that he had feelings for me as well, but that he didn't feel like he could "make anyone happy at this point in my life".
Those are only words. You need to start paying attention to his actions. Actions that tell you that you are not going to be in a committement with him. His words did indeed match his actions. He clearly told you I still want the sex but I'm not going to give you what you want. You only hear "I have feelings for you too" and continued on with the status quo hoping that the sex would lead to a committment.
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He told me that in the past, he knows he could've been great for me, but just didn't know that he could now, and that he didn't think it was fair to me to not make a sound decision about where I stood with him.
Yet another reason why you should have called it quits then and left him so that you wouldn't break your own heart. As I said, men that love someone do not tell you that leaving you is the best thing, they don't tell you how much they SHOULDN'T be with you, they be with you and they don't try to talk you into not being with them ~ No matter what is going on in their lives if they want you in the way you wanted him. they just don't do that.
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I told him I understood and we would just continue with the ways things were....
THAT was desperation speaking, you settling and you being afraid to be without him. Which I'm sure he smelled a mile away.
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I know, the entire thing is confusing, but I don't believe he is a player. I've been with lots of players, and this guy acts nothing like them.
Why have you been with lots of players? Do you want to be in only casual sexual relationships and then hope that the sex will lead you to a relationship? Are you a player yourself? Do you not think you're good enough for a good man who is ready, willing and able to be in something committed, loving and reciprocal with you? Do you not ask for sexual exclusivity when you start bopping your men?
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He knows what people have done to me,
More like what you've allowed men to do to you (from doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result).. Just like you're allowing him to break you as well. Perhaps thats why he tells you that he can't be with you, because he doesn't want to give you what you want and if he stays with you, you will be telling the next guy "what he had done to you?" You should seriously consider changing up your dating strategies. After being played once there should be enough lessons learned there that you'd not let it happen to you again. Players have pattern, there are always red flags and actions that indicate players are playing.
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and I could see on his face how much it upset him.
That still doesn't mean he wants you as his wife/girlfriend with monogamous commitment and a full fledged relationship where he has to answer to you or anyone else. Believe him... he's told you enough times.
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Plus, he stopped the "hooking up" in December, after I got upset and his ex contacted him (and no, he isn't with her... I have done my research, believe me!). She has caused a lot of drama for him, including telling people she is moving back into their apartment and that he "owes her". This man has gone out of his way to get this woman out of his life, and she insists on starting drama.
Yea, like he is totally innocent of enabling her bullshit. Please! He's a grown man who is supposedly divorced from this woman, he should be not giving a flying fk what she is doing and making it so she cannot ever contact him again. If they have no children then he could easily distance himself form her sociopathy.
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She cheated on him and then the marriage ended. She was with this other man (in a relationship), as soon as she moved out of the apartment.
Who cares?
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I know most of it boils down to him not wanting to be hurt again, but he won't admit to that.
ARe you shitting me? He's told you a dozen times that he's not wanting to do that, that he doesn't want to do to you what all the other men you've been with (as you say) have done to you but you just won't believe him. He does not want to hurt you like the rest so he is stopping using you for sex and is distancing himself from you so that you can get the fk over him. He's already done to you what the others have done because once again you've allowed yourself to be a casual sex object.
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Instead he likes to say he isn't boyfriend material, he can't make me happy, he doesn't want a relationship, he has no time
Geeezus take a hint, please! You're so far in denial it's scary.
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(I'm sure he works all the time to try and cover the real pain he is in). etc
O.o if you know that, if you're that certain then why do you come to this board looking for answers?
> Deep down you know that you need to accept that you are not going to be this mans, woman. Let him go and no matter why he is wanting to be away from you, you need to accept that and stop being selfish by trying to impose yourself in his life.
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I've never known a guy to end a "hook up", that was basically no strings attached. He still answers my texts and calls, and at work we act the same way we always have. I get that vibe from him, when he looks at me. And that is why I was and still am, terrified to just walk away.
You work with him, he needs no more drama then he's already imbroiled in. He's not a monster, of course he's going to return your calls. It doesn't mean he is in love with you and denying himself from you though. Just becuase all your other hookups haven't just stopped and he has, it doesn't mean that he's just denying his love for you and suffering so you won't get hurt. Please gather yourself up and start looking at this realistically.
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I did go over the possibility that MAYBE there is someone else, but, I'm not even sure that I believe that. Now, I'm wondering if I need to ask him. No one has ever treated me as well as he does, or listened. He's one of the only people in my life that has ever motivated me, and made me feel like I was doing something right. Not trying to be a sap here, but he's one of the good guys.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that you've never had a true friend or someone that you can rely on. Frankly you can't even rely on yourself to look out for you. You keep making the same mistakes and hoping for a different outcome. Have you ever considered getting personal therapy to help you to figure yourself out?
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But, I guess I need to go back to how he worded himself when he said "We should just assume that we're never going to date". To which I responded with "So, never... as in no chance..." and then he says, "What I'm saying is I can't date you NOW". See, confusing.
This is what made me think he was a player. They seem to always leave a door open just incase they're without any prospects at the moment and then they can just walk through that door again and start hooking up with the that gal they left hanging that doesn't have enough self-worth to see what the score actually is and gets validated once again from being graced by his sexual attention.
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I've backed off.... but I still text now & then, about nothing at all. I've dropped the subject and I've not tried to get back into his bed (although a part of me would rather go back to what we were doing, than what we are now... not going to lie), so, I just don't know what I'm doing with myself. It's a question of Do I give up, forget about the situation, quit talking to him except when we run into one another at work?", or Do I distance myself a bit, but stay known in his life, and hope things change? or .... well, there are many options & scenarios I've gone over in my mind but none are a clear winner.
Don't contact him anymore about anything. By trying to keep yourself in his mind all you're doing is stagnating yourself from getting over him completely and you're keeping yourself embroiled in this river of denial your drowning in.
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Sorry... I realize I'm rambling but this is important to me, and all of the advice is well appreciated and taken into consideration!
Stop making it so important to you. It was a casual, sexual affair that he's just ended. If he wants to be with you, he knows where you live. Don't sit there waiting for him. get on with your life and take measures stop being in casual sexual hook ups. I don't know how old you are but you're old enough to know that the way you love is a very lonely way to go about life.
Even though I've said things here that won't enable you to remain in your denial, I do wish you well and hope you accept sooner rather than later so that you can recover and find someone who is willing to be with you the way you want them to be. Learn to love yourself and you'll find someone that will love you back the way you want to be loved.
