Was I to blame? Please help
Hi,
Recently I broke up with my girlfriend of 16 months.
Here's a little background for you
me and my ex girlfriend met at a German class and instantly hit it off, we made each other laugh and had a really good time together and agreed to start dating. We went out on a few dates and the chemistry was instant. We fell for each other very quickly, she was kind caring beautiful funny and I had never met a girl like her before. Whilst dating I quickly learned that she was a strong independent woman (something which really attracted me to her) and she almost considered herself to be a free spirit who liked to do her own thing, plans to travel the world etc etc.
within about 4 months of dating she told me that she wanted to move to Cornwall (85 miles away) for around 6 months to start a job in advertising in which she lived on site. At first I found this very hard to take and was not sure how to react. I hated the idea of it and to me the idea of my girlfriend leaving me and us still staying together in a relationship seemed alien. However after only 4 months I had fallen madly in love with her and still thought she was truly incredible. I was scared of losing her, but she convinced me that we could do it.
And do it we did. It was not easy at first but we agreed to see each around every 3 weeks when we could, and I would come up on the train. Through out this time I completely trusted her and never doubted her once, the contact was often and regular and I believe it actually helped mature the relationship at a nice pace and every weekend that passed we became more and more in love. We both seemed head over heels to be honest.
ok, after this spell in Cornwall was over we spent around 3 months together at our home town. Things were still very good between us, we often told each other we were soul mates and I had it in my head that she was 100% the woman I wanted to marry, she also told me that she wanted to marry too and she wanted to be married within 1.5 years maximum. However, for the whole of this period my ex girlfriend often made it clear that she did not want to stay put and that she wanted to move around. I always told her that I would do my best to go with her wherever she wanted to go. She had a lot of dreams still to follow. However, at this point I was very much in love with her and on several occasions, when she mentioned going away somewhere far it bothered me and I had it out with her and we argued. On several occasions she promised me that she would never go anywhere without me as I was the most important thing in her life. As trustworthy as she was I never fully believed her. I do however want to point out that I was never bothered by some of her ideas, she mentioned going to Munich for a month with a friend. I said fine. She said the same about Belgium and it never once bothered me. It was just the idea of her going away for long periods of time and not taking me into consideration that bothered me.
Now comes a key turning point in the relationship. My ex girlfriend went on holiday to Brazil and loved it. Really loved it, she never stopped talking about it for quite some time. She mentioned to me that we could go live out there. I panicked (I could not see how I could get a job out there, and I still had firm beliefs that without me she would still go if the opportunity arose) We were still madly in love this point and had some really great times together. However, because I panicked and showed my insecurities, my girlfriend hated it. Again my ex re assured me that she wont be going anywhere without me and we went through another great spell together.
finally my ex girlfriend got a new job, it was her idea of compromising and was 50 miles away from my hometown. I honestly did not mind that and had started to realise that if I am going to keep this girl and one day have a real future (as she promised and spoke about often) then I needed to stop being insecure about her going away. The problem was that this new job again involved staying on site and staying on site and spending all day with a group of 12 people, half of them guys and I would only be able to see her on Friday evenings as she worked weekends. As the weeks went on I became less and less happy about this, but also felt happy because I knew she was happy, extremely happy. However my ex was spending all day with these guys, and then going out with them after work. I heard from her once or twice a day maximum and when I did see her once a week she would talk to me about how much she had in common with the guys she worked with and how nice they are to her. Sadly, one day my mind ran away with me and I asked her if something was going on. She went crazy, hated me and could not believe I do not trust her. She told me that she could not be the person I want her to be anymore.
One week earlier she told me she could not live without me.
Since the split, I can't stop blaming myself for the break up. My insecurities about her going away etc and her believing that I am trying to ruin her dreams. I did not want to ruin her dreams, I just wanted her to respect me too. I was happy for her to see the world, but not go and live in places for a year and expect us to work. She eventually told me she wants to be a free spirit and we broke up.
Its been around 4 weeks and has been a very painful break up for us both, it was almost as if we did not want it to happen but ultimately felt it had too. Now I just look back and believe I have lost the most amazing woman in the world because of my insecurities and I massively blame myself and am struggling to move on.
Was this my fault?
Where do I go from here?
Please excuse the essay.
Thats my story
