In love, but he keeps texting another girl...
Hi I need a little help deciding if I'm with the right guy. I'm 30 and I think I've finally found a really great guy. I've been dating a guy, J (31 yrs) for a little over 3 months. Its been amazing and we are deeply in love with each other. He even came with me on a 3 week vacation together after only dating for a month and half.
I've never been more in love with a guy, he feels the same way as far as I can tell and shows it too.
J has only lived in our city for 5 months before we started dating and doesn't know a lot of people. He is from a town 6 hours drive away, but only a half hour flight and he goes back there for work often.
The issue I'm having is with trusting him. One night we were out drinking together and it was after midnight and he was receiving texts. I know that you only text late at night for booty calls, so I didn't like that and asked who it was. He was drunk and told me it was a girl, "Y" he used to hook up from the town he just moved from. The next morning he got more texts and I asked if it was from "Y". He had forgotten he told me about her. I told him I don't think he should be getting late night texts from girls, now that we're in a relationship. He agreed.
For the next couple weeks before we left for the trip, I would see her name pop up on his screen with texts ever so often, day and night. Probably, twice a week I would notice it. Finally, I got so suspicious, one morning while he was in the other room, I went through his texts. She wrote something to him along the lines "my coworkers don't believe I have a boyfriend in the next town over".
I lost it. I grabbed all my stuff and was going to leave. He stopped me by saying, this chick is crazy, she texts me constantly, and i don't ever write back. She's an old, worn out, bar tender. He even showed me a photo. I believed him and got over it. I just told him he needs to tell her to stop and she needs to know he has a girlfriend.
It wasn't until a week or so later when we were on vacation in a foreign country, that I saw his phone light up again with her texts. I didn't read it, but I got mad at him for not telling her to stop texting him. He said she knew he had a girlfriend and he doesn't write back, but she keeps writing.
Then about a week later while J was sleeping, I knew he had made some long distance calls that day, and said he was talking to his mom. So I peeked into his call history and saw that he called "Y" for 18 minutes! This was after spending 2 weeks with his girlfriend in a foreign country and the calling rate was almost $3 a min. I was ready to wake him up and tell him it was over. But I decided to ransack his phone instead. I listened to voice mails, texts, looked at pics. I went crazy. I heard 2 voicemails from "Y" saying she was going to have surgery, and that she still loves him, but she can tell he hasn't been feeling the same way for her since around new years and she can tell that he found someone else(that was when him and I met). I also saw multiple texts from her, but with no replies from him. His phone only showed texts from that day, so I know he deleted all her other texts, so I wouldn't read them again.
When he woke up, I told him about everything I found in his phone. He wasn't as mad at me as I thought he would be for going through his phone. He had excuses though. He said "Y" has cancer and was getting surgery today and that's why he called her.
I told him he was ruining what we had, because I cannot trust him, and I cannot fully give my heart to him when I think he might be keeping someone on the side. So he needs to get rid of her to block her number if he needs to. He said I can look at his phone whenever I wanted.
However, a few days after we got back home, I saw his phone light up with her text, so i asked if I could read it. He said I couldn't. He said I was ruining us with my distrust, and I just need to trust him, but I still got on his phone when he was out of the room and listened to a new voicemail from "Y". She was mad because he called her when we were traveling home from our trip and he had a layover in his hometown(her town), but I was on another flight, so he was alone there for 4 hours, but apparently they didn't meet up, but he still called to meet up. Her voicemail was mad because he called to meet up, but then he doesn't call or text her ever anymore.
I told him I stalked his phone again and heard that he called her from the airport. He said he only called her to return her call, and because his phone had just been reactivated, not to meet up with her.
So now I don't know what to do. Give up and let him keep texting this lady on the side. She isn't a threat, because she does live in another town, however, you could take a half hour flight to see her.
The way he acts to me, makes me believe he's madly in love with me. I'm in love too and I can't imagine my life without him, but I don't know what to do.
This morning I peeked at his texts again. I scanned through maybe 20 texts from "Y", with maybe 3 from my man, but there was one that said "I wish I could play with you" and my man wrote back "me too babe".
I was furious, but decided not to say anything to him. I don't want to ruin this if it really isn't something to be worried about. I just wish he would STOP! Then things would be so perfect! That's really the only thing that's holding us back.
What should I do, move on to someone I can trust? What do you think? I've been cheated on and lied to in my past two serious relationships, so I know I am quick to distrust, but I don't think that this is me. Is it? Should I give him an ultimatum? Like get her out of your life or we're done? He keeps saying they are just friends. AGGGHHHH
