I need your objective insight! Can you help me make sense of this experience?
Hello people! I'd humbly like to ask you guys to patiently read my story because I very much need the insight of people from outside. I went through a confusing experience and I'm bewildered, overwhelmed and unsure what to learn from it. Can you maybe help me out by giving me any insights you might have reading the story? Thanks so much in advance!
I met a guy, spent two months with him basically doing nothing but having sex and smoking weed ( please don't judge, I'm sharing this detail because I think it's important information to understand the story). My whole idea was to keep it casual, which I did by basically only doing the sex and smoking thing. Eventually we started seeing each other more often and going out to restaurants and the movies. Soon he started hinting at how much he liked me. He started asking me to define our relationship and wanted to know if I was seeing someone else. I was quite immature and kept changing the subject.
One weekend he chanced his arm and asked me out but he did it out of nowhere almost as if to pretend that he was joking in case I said no. The same weekend he started talking about moving in together (he has his own place and I said I loved his neighborhood) but I got the impression he did it in the same "let's just see how she reacts" way. Again, I just kept changing the subject.
Then he disappears and tells me he needs some space. I realize how immature I'd been so I analyze what it is that I want from him and communicate it to him. I told him "I was so scared to take anything seriously that I just kept changing the subject. Forgive my immaturity and what I want with you is to keep getting to know you but it's too soon for a relationship for me". Even so after two weeks of "space" I get in touch and he implies (but doesn't really say) that he's met someone and that we should officially break it off. I say ok and move on.
I feel sad and childish. I was astounded by the lack of communication between us. The sex was amazing and he had other superficially great qualities, but to be honest I can't say "oh, he's the one for me" because I made a point of just smoking and not getting to know him. The few conversations we did have strongly indicated that he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed and had the emotional self-awareness and maturity of a child. In truth, I don't think he was the sort of person I'd like to have a relationship with. But he was so gentlemanly and the sex was the very best I'd ever had plus I felt like I'd ****ed up by being immature so throw all of this together and add in a wounded ego and I started thinking: "if I had gotten to know him, would it have worked? Did I really miss an opportunity"?
So I'm getting on with my life after the break up and he contacts me again, says he misses me, wants to see me. Again we did the impossible and TOTALLY did not communicate what the new conditions of our "relationship" would be. We hop into bed as usual and right after he says "btw, I'm still with someone else".
Ok I understand that as I write this I look like a complete fool, and I admit I was, but the point is gaining awareness of my unbelievable inability to communicate and understand the situation and myself so I can learn, so please spare the harsh criticism!
What happened was that whilst he was with another girl ( though he didn't really say he was with her) there I was all wondering what "could have been". I was left alone with my fantasies and they eventually convinced me that I should "give him a shot" when in reality he'd already found someone new. I asked him why he even got back in touch if he was with someone new and he tells me the sex with me was much better.
I felt so used (though I know I put myself in the situation through horrible communication skills). I didn't understand why he had to:
1) ask for space
2) break up
3) screw me and then throw in my face that he had someone new.
I felt hurt three times, all the while trying to "fix" my own initial immaturity by giving him chances. I honestly don't even know if he ever had the intention of dating me at all or if he was just so insecure around me ( he told me a strong-minded, sexual woman such as myself intimidated him and men) that he started making comments about a relationship just to get me to feel something for him so he'd feel like he had more control of the situation.
I broke it off and won't be the other woman. But the thing I'm having a hard time digesting is what this all means. I'm so confused and it's so hard to know what to learn from this. What I've discovered so far:
1) I have serious commitment issues that's why I kept changing the subject when he talked about a relationship. I realized I have commitment issues due to low self esteem ( who'll want me?) and horrible relationship examples from my mom ( she had numerous partners growing up, many of whom died).
2) I seriously need to work on my communication. I'd never ever been that vague about my intentions with men, that's why it shocked me this time around, I normally let them know exactly what to expect. This leads me to believe that I'm confused about what I want and in my insecurity I just ignore events as they develop in order to not deal with them.
3) I have no idea how to read the guy I was with. I don't know if he really was into me or if he has commitment issues himself and was just in for the chace, to have the upper hand. Literally make me fall for him just so he'd feel good and then lose interest.
Okay, that's it. Basically I'd like any observations about my own behavior and his and anything else that might help me turn this into a valuable learning experience. If I sound dazed and confused it's because I am. I feel as if I don't know the person I was getting involved with, like I was lead to feel something more only to be hurt over and over. I also feel like I put myself into the situation by avoiding getting to know the guy ( to keep it casual) and therefore missing warning signs. What are your observations?
