The Hardest Thing

The hardest thing is not to know.

Not to know what you want, what your dreams are.
Not to know what could make you be happy, what will make you whole.
Not to know what keeps you going, the fright that nothing really is.

The hardest thing is to miss.

To miss the love that now is gone, a love that maybe was not even present.
To miss the feeling of enjoyment, of the smile in the morning.
To miss the friends that once been like you, but now are so different.

The hardest thing is the pain.

The pain of wanting to let go, but how to let go from the nothing that holds you.
The pain of knowing that friends never really mattered, but as long as they were like me I felt like I'm normal.
The pain of the alarm clock saying that there is another day to handle.
The pain of seeing yourself in the mirror, and only witness a broken person.

The hardest thing is living, when leaving is not an option.
God, I need help.

help will not find you, you have to find it.