I'm a good person I shouldn't feel this way but I can't stop myself. Help!
During a works party a co-worker expressed his feelings for me (I'm 45 and he's 49) - (I've had a crush on him for ages but I didn't realize he felt the same as I didn't think I was his type so put the signs from him down to my own imagination). He came to sit down next to me at the party, after a short conversation I jokingly said "you like me don't you" (I was tipsy and feeling brave) to my amazement he replied "yes I do, a little too much that's the problem I think you're fantastic you're intelligent, funny, quick witted, look great, you're edgy and I think about you all the time". The problem is we are both married. He told me his partner suffers with continuous ill health (he has confided this before)and that although he is no longer in love with her he feels responsibility for her and can't just leave her as she couldn't cope on her own. (I am in the same situation with my partner) He then went on to say that although he has found himself attracted to other women in the past he has never shown his feelings to them or been unfaithful. However,he said this time he feels he is ready to move forward and has never felt this strongly but needed to be sure that I didn't want him just for sex because he wanted more than that and that he was now ready but he needed me to help him. I suggested that maybe we could see each other out side of work to offer love, comfort and support and to see how things progress. we were mulling this over but were interrupted and needed to part before the suggestion could be explored further. About four days later he text to say the suggestion couldn't work in the short term because we both knew where it would lead and that it couldn't work in the long term because of the damage and hurt it would cause to third parties and that there were others ways of solving the underlying problem. I text to say I understood and would bow out gracefully. I text him a couple of days afterwards to ask if he wanted to meet to talk things over but he never replied. This all happened approx 4 months ago and until recently (past 6 wks) we have kept our distance. However lately I can feel the old situation/signs returning. We don't see each other at all outside of work so it's difficult to broach the subject. Although we were on a co-workers leaving do recently and he spent most of the evening staring at me and engaging me in chit-chat, I kept my distance a little because I felt that if he wanted to re-open the conversation he would have asked me to step outside. I had to leave straight after the meal so I don't suppose he had much of an opportunity to get me on my own. (or is this me wishful thinking?) I'm now in the process of planning my marriage exit strategy because the whole situation has made me realize I don't love my partner and I'm not prepared to spend another 20years being his carer (this may seem selfish but I suggest you try living 20 years with someone who suffers sever depression). I think my co-worker has mentioned something to his close friends at work because when I enter their office they smile, say hi and then glance his way as if to see what his reaction is to me being there. (I think he may have told them how he feels on a personal level - but I'm not sure because he is generally a private person)
I suppose my question is do you think he regrets not moving forward when the opportunity arose? Or do you think like I that he wants to be with me but his situation prevents it so he's simply trying to come to terms with it, make the best of a difficult situation and move on? I know he is still full of praise and admiration for me (in the sense of my expertise at work) because others tell me so. I don't want to make a fool of myself or go through the emotional turmoil of thinking he wants me only to find he doesn't. I'm a good person I shouldn't be feeling this way, he's a good person we should never have had the conversation but the monster is out and I can't seem to put it back again and I think he is struggling to put it back too.
Any light you could shed on this situation will be very appreciated. thank you
