This girl is stuck in my head and its absolutely unbearable
This is going to be a very very long post. So please beware.
I met this girl at my best friends party and it was my best mates girlfriends best friend. We got on really well that night and the next day I spoke to her on Facebook and got her number and we met up for lunch and I helped her with some work as we are both doing our final A levels. We spent alot of time over the next month or so and we did lots of things together like go for meals together, go studying together and walk around the city together. I really started to fall for her. By this point we had gotten so close she told me lots of stuff that she has never told anybody else, not even her parents, she had told me all her deepest fears and secrets. We flirted on Facebook and uploaded lots of photos of each other on Facebook. So around one month ago I told her I really needed to speak to her on a rainy Monday night and we met up and I told her my feelings. She said lots of stuff such as she was scared to be in a relationship and didn't want to be in one and that she didn't like me in that way. I told her I would try to be just friends but it would be very hard for me but we decided to continue to seeing each other as friends. She was really concerned for me that night and knew something wasn't right with me and told me to text her when I got home. I walked her home and then rather than go home I sat on a park bench and drunk myself silly. I had texted her half an hour after leaving her house and told her that I was at home whilst really i wasn't. The corrosponding Tuesday I didn't go to College as I woke up with a complete shiner and I admit it was a very stupid thing to do.
So we started off being friends. I started at first to try and not see her for a while so as to try and get over it. That didn't work. When I was around her it was painful. When i wasn't around her it was ten thousand times more painful it physically stopped me from doing anything such as revising as I would be just sat there thinking about it. So I decided to see her again. Like clockwork every single day, she would pick me up at College during Lunch to go have food. Sometimes it was with her friend, sometimes just us two. We spent more time together and it just made me like her more and more. She's beautiful and is genuinely the nicest person I have met and quite frankly I think she is perfect. I just can't get her out of my head. For the past week when we're supposed to be revising for very important exams, we've spent days at a time together. For example, on Tuesday I met up with her at around three and we ended up going to hers until around midnight when I went home to sleep...and then i met up with her to go to the library at eight the very next morning, we did about 2 hours actual work and then ended up driving to her grandma's in the middle of the countryside where we stayed till about 8, then went for a walk and ended up getting lost in the middle of the countryside, all in all a very fun night. Then the day after, we met up at like three again and this time we organized a midnight hike with some friends and we basically didn't go home that night and I ended up sleeping in her car. The very next morning (this morning basically), the rest of the friends all went home and we went to the library to revise for the entire day and I only went home at five this evening.
The morning after friends all left we had another conversation and I essentially told her I was being an idiot and being deluded but still trying because it hurt so much otherwise. I even said to her I was like a Donkey with a string tied to the nose and a carrot dangled in front of it. She ended up feeling bad saying I've done so much and she can't give anything back to which I replied, its not your fault as I can't make you like me that way. I said to her though, "You know me, I never give up, and I'm not going to give up on you, I'm going to keep trying, but only if thats okay with you and im not pressurizing you." She said I can keep trying if I wanted to. I also made sure that she would never go out with me through sheer pity guilt or sympathy and made that clear to her its not the thing to do. Regardless of this conversation, nothing was awkward between us. She also never suspected anything the first time and second time either, as I am VERY good at masking my true emotions and feelings.
The fact is, she tells me everything that she is going through that other people don't know and she is genuinely the most wonderful person ever. She's not trying to lead me on, before anyone says anything before she's far too innocent to do that. Whenever I tag her in photos and stuff and statuses her friends and my friends make comments like "aww" and things like that, so they are helping nothing. Although my best mate knows of the first conversation, but not of the second.
What should I do? I honestly have no idea.
