Will he ever marry me or should I move on?

Hi everyone – I’ve been living with my boyfriend for going on four years in September. I have rarely brought up the conversation of marriage but I’m really getting to that point. Especially now because I’m pregnant (five weeks/very early).

Just to give you a bit of history. He was married once with two children (5 & 7) and is divorced because his wife cheated on him. I’ve never been married.

Anyway, we moved in together very quickly. Since then I’ve played the role of “wife” and “step mom” to his children. I do everything that a wife would do, etc. etc.

Yesterday I brought up the conversation. Asked if he had any intention of marrying me and he said “why are you asking me this?” I said I just want to do things the right way. I said you got married to your ex when she was pregnant and I’m feeling that now that you’re older it’s time to settle down. He said that he got married to her because when she got pregnant because he had come from relationships with multiple miscarriages and a few abortions and he felt guilty. He also felt it was that time. That our situation is different and I shouldn’t compare. That I’m also approaching him the wrong way about it. I said “if you don’t see marriage in our future just let me know so I can move on”. He said “oh, now you’re demanding”. I said, I’m not demanding anything. I just want to do things the right way and I have a right to know what’s in store for my future. I said “why can’t you just carry on a normal conversation?” and he said that the fact that I was bringing up marriage and demanding answers was not normal. That I look bad for approaching him that way.

He was really annoyed. Said that I shouldn’t “force him” to talk about things like this. That because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean we should automatically run to the courthouse. I ended the conversation with the saying “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, right?” He said why are you saying that and I said because that’s what it seems to be right now. I told him I have some decisions to make.

I’m really sad and don’t know what to do. I can’t even talk to him about it. I couldn’t even word everything how I wanted to or get everything out because he turned a conversation about our future into an argument. Got really defensive.

Now, I’m not sure if he’s scared or just doesn’t want to marry me. I figured that going on four years living together and now me being pregnant that he’d really want to settle down. It’s not looking like it. Especially if he can’t talk about it. He says all of the time how I’m marriage material, etc. so what is the problem? He claims to love me so much and never wants to be without me. Again, what’s the problem? I treat him so well. Am amazing to him and his two children. Cook, clean, and am a wife but without the commitment.

I told him that it’s very important to me to settle down and be married and he had nothing to say. He was so angry and annoyed.

I’m in such a vulnerable spot being pregnant and all. If I weren’t pregnant I’d probably just give him an ultimatum (which I know he wouldn’t do well with because he’s beyond stubborn). He’d probably just get up and leave.

I don’t know what to do? How to approach it. I want to have a heart to heart but I don’t want to keep pressuring him either.

I’m even having thoughts of not going forward with the pregnancy (please don’t judge me) as I already raised a child on my own as a single woman and don’t want to bring another child into the world that way.

Any thoughts and advice on what to do?

Is this guy just using me? Should I move on? Do any of you have a different way to “approach” him about it? Where he’ll be more receptive?

Thanks!

You should have had this discussion with him before getting pregnant.

I think you are smart to be reconsidering this pregnancy. No judgement here. Quality of life beats quantity any day. There's no lack of poor, unwanted, poorly raised children out there.

The fact your BF isn't pleased is a very bad sign, but you already know this. Safe yourself and your potential child the misery and bail now.

Quote:

I’m even having thoughts of not going forward with the pregnancy (please don’t judge me) as I already raised a child on my own as a single woman and don’t want to bring another child into the world that way.

Then I'm at a loss as to why you would have gotten pregnant again before being married?

Anyway, I think you need to wait until the dust settles and then broach the subject with less emotion and more logic. Tell him you love him and then ask him to marry you. There is nothing traditional about your union thus far so go for it. If he says no then make your decions, such as:

..Leaving him because he's not on the same page as you if he says "No."
..Whether or not to terminate the pregnancy (your choice either way as far as I'm concerned no judgement here on that issue)
..Staying with your common-law spouse and having your baby.

Here where I live you'd have all the rights of a married woman/man if you've lived together more than two years anyway even if he didn't marry you. Its more of that "committment" you're looking for when a a couple moves in together when you live in Ontario.

Hmmm...it gets a little bit complicated if he has an ex wife with 2 kids he still need to support. You can't blame him for wanting to consult a lawyers before he promise you anything. This is one of the downfall for getting serious with a previosuly married man.