Boyfriend won't have sex with me anymore...what's wrong?
Someone please help me understand! Please bear with me, this is a tome. I am 31 and my bf is 28. We’ve been together 6 months or so. When we met we had sex 2-3 times or more a day. This went on pretty consistently for the first few months. He has been the first guy I’ve ever had an orgasm with. We were extremely sexually compatible. He told me that I was the first girl to ever keep up with him sexually. (And he’s the first man to keep up with me as well.) That he had previously been addicted to porn and masturbated every day but that his prior girlfriend refused to have sex with him regularly, in fact claiming to have gone months at a time without it and would have to beg to get it. He told me that I was the girl he had been dreaming of since he was 14. He told me for months that he completely stopped jerking off because he didn’t need to anymore and that he didn’t look at porn any more. I don’t think he was lying about that at that time.
Anyway I became pregnant pretty quickly but had a miscarriage. It was very devastating for me and he told me he was hurt by it too. However the sex continued like crazy and he told me he wanted to have children with me and we could try again. Shortly after the miscarriage I found out he had been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. He had been telling her the whole time that he wasn’t sure about me and didn’t know if he wanted to be with me all the while telling me he loved me, going house hunting and car shopping for our new future family. By the time I found out about the cheating the physical part of it was over and he told me that he was sure he didn’t want to be with her and had cut her off and he was so sorry and all that.
I became incredibly depressed but didn’t dump him because I was too devastated about the loss and also he had been with his ex for 6 years and I kinda felt like I should forgive him. We are so compatible in so many more ways than I have been compatible with a man before. I just felt like we could work through it and things could be great. They had been perfect the 2 months that I was pregnant (although during this time he was stringing his ex along but claimed not to have had any physical contact with her). Anyway my depression is overwhelming at times. One of the ways I like to relieve myself is through sex. I’ve told him this and try to initiate sex often just as I always have. About a month or so ago I noticed that he started turning me down more times than not. I asked him about it and he said at the time that he just goes through phases. He told me that he wasn’t masturbating or anything he just wasn’t feeling very sexual, blamed it on stress from work. Then I started to notice that in the mornings when he’s wake he’d take his laptop into the bathroom instead of having sex with me. I asked him about it and he swore he wasn’t masturbating, just reading the news. Needless to say this was a lie.
Not only was he going into the bathroom to jerk off even when he knew I was awake and wanting sex, he’s doing it to humiliation porn that he keeps illegally downloading on my internet. I found this out one night when I awoke to find him passed out next to me with his laptop open and the download program he uses was open. He had downloaded hundreds of porn videos over the last month or so (coinciding with the sex drop off). They are all very petite young looking white women being gang banged and humiliated (sodomized with power tools, pissed on, while being jeered, etc) by groups of men or women. Even then I wasn’t totally put off because he had shown me some bondage stuff the night before and expressed interest in trying it. He was very turned on by the thought and continued to show me more and told me he had some bondage stuff for me to watch. He seemed aroused and I am GGG (and he knows it) so I was very happy to oblige but when I tried to initiate sex that night he snapped at me that he was too tired. Then he waited for me to fall asleep and downloaded and probably masturbated to porn way more extreme than he showed me. Porn that he specifically told me disgusted him. I told him I had seen his stash the next morning, I was playful and flirtatious about it…he flew into a rage, accused me of snooping. I pointed out that his computer was on and open and I didn’t even need to click anything to see the stuff. The damn thing was literally lying on my chest when I woke up in my bed. I told him that I was turned on by it, that I am turned on by the thought of him masturbating and that I just wanted to get laid more often. I told him I’d love to watch the porn with him and masturbate together. I truly feel that way. He appeared totally put off by this and was very angry at me and insisted that he hasn’t been jerking off and he didn’t know why he downloaded it and swore he wouldn’t do it here anymore (I could be sued because of his downloading).
Well the sex hasn’t improved in fact it’s gotten worse. He keeps pleasuring himself and not me and denying it. Where we had sex multiple times a day has turned into once or twice a week. He used to get hard as a rock when I’d sit in his lap and kiss him. Now he pushed me off of him and turns his face. Even intense foreplay doesn’t get him aroused like it used too. He loses his erection during intercourse and I have to get him off with oral. I haven’t cum in weeks. He used to watch me give him head, now he closes his eyes and I wonder if he’s thinking about someone else. I know he’s masturbating frequently because he leaves his semen floating in the toilet sometimes or leaves the lube uncovered but he still claims he’s not doing it. I’ve noticed he’s begun ogling young white women when we go out and makes extremely sexual remarks about actresses on tv (blurting out that he’d **** the dogsh*t out of one actress when he hadn’t looked at me that way in weeks). The worst is the excuse he gave for sleeping with his ex was that he couldn’t help himself that he is so incredibly attracted to her that he couldn’t control himself with her…we’ve been together just over 6 months and he’s got no problem not touching me for days. He never loses control any more. I cannot for the life of me figure out why he would say that to me…it seems so mean.
I’ve flat out asked him why we aren’t having sex and first he told me that it just happens that way in relationships when the honeymoon phase is over (I was hurt by this because we had been together for 5 months at the time and I thought sex didn’t drop off until well into it). He’s told me that my depression and insecurity is oppressive. He feels like he’s being watched all the time, like I’m the warden. That being around me makes him feel shitty because he knows that he is the cause of all my pain and that normally he would have run off by now but that he wants things to work between us. I don’t know what to do. He’s talking about moving in together at the end of the summer but I don’t know. One of his huge selling points for me was our sexual compatibility. I am a balls out freak and I’ve never been with a man who was cool with it. He was cool with it but now it feels like he is purposefully withholding sex from me or that he’s just not into me anymore. I am so freaked out by this. I am not white and there is not a single video in his stash of anyone that looks anything like me. All of his previous girlfriends have been petite white women. I am a very tall buxom biracial woman. I am terrified that I’m just his rebound, that he’s not into me anymore and that it’s just a matter of time before he realizes it and leaves. I don’t understand why he won’t have sex with me anymore. I work extremely hard to keep my depression under wraps. I go to therapy. I don’t lie in bed and cry all day. I go to the gym. I cook for him and suck him off whenever he wants. I don’t know what to do. How can I get him interested again?
