So lost and confused about two guys :/

Hey guys...it is 3 am my time and I just need to vent and get some outside input on what I am going through.

So, it all began with a guy. I am going to call him #1 here. I absolutely am completely in love with this guy. We are each others first love...I really can not even begin to describe how he made me feel...he was just my best friend and everything I could have ever asked for. I love him with every thing I have.We could be total dorks together, there was hardly boring or awkward moment. We both saw us getting married and taking on the world together as best friends and lovers. We had a really great relationship for about a year and a half, and suddenly in February, he broke up with me. He gave me the whole "It's not me, it's you" talk, but was completely real about it. He said he loved me, but felt like he was not ready to settle down yet, he said he needed time to himself to grow as a person and to focus more on his classes and career. While he was saying all of this, he was hysterically crying and holding me, he would tell me over and over how much he loved me and how he promised we would get back together. Anyways, I was totally devastated about this as well, I would cry myself to sleep, and would cry when I woke up. We still talked everyday for a few weeks, then one day he snapped and told me to leave him alone and go find someone else. So guess what? A month later, I DID.

Lets call this guy #2. #2 is a very attractive, funny,smooth guy. We started talking and quickly fell head over heels for each other, we could spend hours on the phone, could not stop smiling and what not. It was absolutely amazing. For a while, #1 was not on my mind and it was a nice feeling. Yes, I know most people would just call #2 my "rebound" guy but I really was looking for something more. All the while, #1 was very angry with me. He texted me all the time saying that I am making a mistake all these things he heard about #2 and how he is just going to treat me badly. He also said that I should not have found anyone else, he said I should have waited for him to come back to me. This is completely unfair, he said it could be years before we get back together, I'm not the type of girl to waste away time on something that might not ever work out. I would like to think that I could have waited, but that is not fair to me. We even mentioned before we broke up that seeing someone else would probably be good for both of us.

Anyways, #2..we had sex once, things were great for a few more weeks, but #2 started slipping away. He started to not text as much, didn't spend as much time together, he would blow me off on planned dates, then he would disappear and not text me back for a few days.The thing is though, what little time we did spend together, was amazing. The thought of him not having feelings for me did not fit, because the way he looked at me and held me seemed so genuine. Eventually, I got fed up with the disappearing acts and had a talk with him and he said he did not know if he could do this because of stress in his life. That was fine, I gave him a few weeks for those events to pass, and they did. Meanwhile, #1 had found a new girlfriend. (This was a month ago) This totally tore me up inside and it felt like we had broken up all over again. I confronted him about this, and asked him if he ever wanted to get back with me. He said no, because I had shown my "true colors" by dating #2 and that my jealously towards him and his new girlfriend was "ugly". Let me remind you that he did ALL of the same things as well, when I had started dating #2. The hypocrisy astounds me still. All our shared friends think he is lying about not wanting to be with me again, and I honestly believe that too. We were best friends for 3 or 4 years.

Anyways, back to #2. Finally, when the issues in his life had subsided, I tried talking to him and he still never replied. I got totally fed up with this and planned on breaking up with him, but he never gave me a chance to see him in person. I believe that you should always break up with someone in person. One day, I saw him and we sat down and talked. He said that he just did not feel the same way about me and saw me as more of a friend anyways. He said that this always happens...he gets someone in his life that cares about him and then he starts pushing away and then they leave. He started ranting about how how he hates his life and how depressed he is and that he wants to just end it all. I told him that I would still be there for him as a friend because I care a lot about him. That's the last I saw of him, about two weeks ago.There went 3 months of my life. I have texted him asking if he wanted to go for a walk or something but he said he can't because of a crazy work schedule. I asked if he even wanted to spend time with me and he never replied. I am honestly so worried about him, I want to be there for him because his depression scared me, but he does not answer any message I send him. I miss him so much. I know he was a crappy boyfriend for the last month and a half but we still had a lot of fun together and I really liked spending time with him. It is so hard to resist the urge to text him more, but I know I really need to give him space, but I'm worried about his depression, and that he really just needs someone there for him.

So here I am, laying in bed, missing two guys. I have accepted that I #1 and I will not get back together for a very long time. He says he does not love me anymore, but I have a hard time believing him, so does his friends :p It has been 5 months since we broke up and it still kills me to think about it. I miss him so much, not only our relationship but our friendship we text daily, discussing our artwork, sometimes we joke around. It's not the same. #1 is a guy that totally understands me in every way. Now, with #2, I can not stop thinking about him. All day everyday, and he has been in my dreams too. I really want to get over both these guys, but I really don't know how. I have tried my every method that I used in the past to get over things, I love to paint,draw, listen to music, take a bath....I even bought a guitar in hopes of learning. None of these things gets my mind off them. Life feels like it is slowly, painfully creeping by. I feel like I miss them both more and more each day. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Anyways, thank for letting me vent and complain. It is a nice feeling.

menage et trois

ignore that ^^^ i shouldve read your post first.

Who the hell wants to read all that? Not me.....

OK I did. Here's the deal hun, relationships will come and go in your life, they are not forever. Guy#1 saw opportunity to experiences other girls so he did the proper thing to break up with you. Guy#2 just wanted sex. This is how it goes with most young guys, they don't want to be tied down in a committed relationship for too long, which in my opinion is smart. Life is too short to be wasting the best years of your life with just one partner, or even having a relationship. You should be experiencing life as an idependant individual. You are doing just fine by keeping busy and learning something new (guitar)....just enjoy your freedom, date lots, make new friends, and remember a guy doesn't give you a life, it's you who does and all the new things you bring into it that you can call your own, like interets and achievements. You will look back on this an realize how much time you wasted crying over this crap. Take care.

heres your next step...let the guys alone for awhile and go find yourself. its ok to be single and not have a guy.

I would agree and let the guys go and wait to find the right one. I was "seeing" a guy a long time ago that sounds much like your #2, they are smooth, fun to be around and charming, and then when they get sex then they will start to ignore, not message for days, ignore calls, etc, the one I was seeing one time stood me up at a place we were going to meet and when I called he wouldn't answer, then buy the third time I called it went straight to voicemail, his excuse was he was working overtime at work. I fell very hard for him but in the end I gave up, it was to painful to have feelings for someone who didn't feel the same for me, I ended up waiting along time to find my other half and I never regret it one bit as we are both wonderful together and very much in love. Just give up on the 2 guys, let yourself heal from it for awhile, and then find someone that is looking for a serious relationship instead of just a one night stand.