Serious crisis...would you please be so kind as to give me some advice?
Hello...I'm writing here because I desperately need some kind of guiding light. I'm at a point where I don't really know what to do with my life and love relationship and I'm hurting really, really bad. It's also the first time I feel this way, since I had never been so involved and committed to someone before.
My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost three years. He works and I'm finishing college, and we don't live together - yet. We've talked about moving in together a lot of times, as we have talked about having kids, spending the rest of our lives in each other's company, etc. For a long time, it seemed to me that he was The One. I have never felt so attached to someone outside of my family before and, since I'm kind of mysanthropic and find it hard to fall in love with people, that makes him truly unique to me. He has all the qualities I want in a partner and he doens't have all the ones I can't tolerate. It's just sheer chemistry for me since day one, but not just that. There's a loving relationship that we have built together over these three years with work and effort. He's my best friend, my lover and my teammate.
Usually, everything seems to be perfect. Wee meet every Friday and make plans for the whole weekend, we cook, go to concerts, watch films, meet with friends, etc. But then, when we have an argument, he ALWAYS tells me that he's tired of routine, that we don't have anything in common, that I don't try to get involved in his life and interests, that he has to walk on eggshells around me because he fears my reactions, that I'm absorbing, etc. It's always the same problems. I stand there in shock and tell him that I have not detected all those problems, that I thought we were fine. Then we make up and he tells me that he didn't really mean it, that he said all of that in the heat of the moment and that it's arguing what makes him think negativily about everything. Soap, rinse and start all over again.
I honestly do not see all those problems. We do have a lot of things in common like music, comedy, topics of conversation (we're always talking), friends, philosophy, tv-shows we both follow, etc. We also like to hang out in the same places. He has a band and I go to almost all his concerts, but still, I'm not supportive enough it seems. I also don't get how I'm absorbing since we only see each other over the weekends and he's the one who says he wishes we spent more time together. He even tells me how fulfilling he finds spending time with me. Talking about mixed messages. This has me completely puzzled. Could it be that I'm more satisfied with the relationship than him, or does he really not mean what he says? Am I blind to the red flags?
Another issue that bothers me is his readiness to throw in the towel. He's the most caring, loving guy I have ever met. He always has a smile on his face for me, he tries to make everything perfect and worthwhile and he looks after my every need. If I need a favour, I know he'll be more than willing to help. He constantly reminds me how much he loves me, how much he needs me, how special I am. He's a lot more sensitive in that way that I am and I appreciate all that loving and try to give as much as I get. But then, we have an argument and BAAM. Suddenly, everything is shaking and he doesn't believe in the relationship anymore. He wonders aloud if it's worth the pain, he says he doesn't like my behaviour and that he's not willing to put up with it for the rest of his life. He says there's no trust; not as in jealousy, we have had 0 jealousy issues, fortunately. The kind of trust he's missing is the ability to say anything to me without me getting angry. So, the father of my potential kids and love of my life is about to dump me because we argued over socks, and I feel it's surreal. I would never consider being with someone else, even if we have our ups and downs. I know conflict is sometimes unavoidable, as I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But he doens't seem to think the same, and when he acts like that it makes me think that his words of love are empty because he's not willing to work through difficulties.
How on earth should I handle this? The tough part is that I'm still head-over-heels in love with him and refusing to let go. Last argument we had, he told me he was dissappointed wiht my selfish behaviour, that I'm absorbing, that he's tired of the relationship, that he needs to consider a lot of things, etc. He acted REALLY cold, like he didn't give a damn about staying with me or not, making clear to me that I'd have to beg for love and pay for the wrongs I had done to him. What drove him up the walls was the fact that I was a little sad because he took a job in a different city (3hrs away from our hometown) and, according to him, I don't have the right to be sad because it's selfish and accusing and it makes him feel awful. I told him that I'd be fully supportive, that I wanted to be with him and that I loved him and we'd manage somehow, BUT that I was kind of sad and didn't feel like sex. According to him, my body language and my actions were accusing and spoke differently from my mouth, and he's not going to put up with that behaviour any longer. I didn't understand this confrontation and we had a little argument about it. I asked him if he really thought that I didn't have the right to be sad about all the frustrated summer plans, and he said that "having too many rights can be a problem sometimes".
I find this totally unfair on me, but I know that he's very susceptible and anxious right now, and trying to reason could lead to a break-up. I don't really recognise him when he behaves like this...
We're going to talk about it tomorrow, and I'm not sure what should I say to him. If I apologise about something I feel I shouldn't (being sad) and after all he's said to me, would I be showing no self-respect? I don't want to stoop as low as to stop respecting myself, by I do want to get my boyfriend back. Shoud I put an end to this? This is a path I'm trying to avoid...but I'd appreciate all advice given to me.
I need someone to throw me objective advice, since I'm so involved in this I can't see things clearly. What I want is to work towards a healthy heart and peace of mind...
