Bad news just keeps getting worse
Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year now and have liked each other even longer than that, it's gotten to the point where the relationship is quite serious but at the same time we've hit what you might call some turbulence which seems to have been stemming for a few months now. He believes that everything has changed since we first started going out and first got together and he says that he really doesn't like this change saying that I've become more like a 'child' and that he feels whenever we are together he is 'babysitting' me through everything. We are gamers together and play online games together nearly every night but he says that nowadays he thinks that when we are playing I just don't understand and he has to lead me through everything which he really doesn't like. I try to remind him that I have not been gaming for as long as he has, the last console I owned before I got my PC was a PS2 and N64 so I'm not exactly up to date with modern gaming even though I've been slowly learning through talking to him about it but he seemingly forgets this and continues to berate me for it.
I'm not saying that I'm perfect because I know that I am in no way, shape or form the perfect girl especially seen as at the moment I'm not in the greatest mindset and have trouble speaking with people that I know and have been around for a while. I know that I do stupid things without thinking about them first and I know that I should really read things before I post them in text messages because I know that sometimes my opinion is not wanted and upsetting. I've been getting better at keeping such things to myself but sometimes they slip out especially seen as my boyfriend wanted and desired a completely honest relationship between the two of us.
So I tell him such things that really bother and scare me and I've told him all about my past and how much it upset and hurt me, I hoped that this would bring us closer together as he told me about all that had upset him and what it was like for him in the past. Unfortunately, because of what happened in my past I feel that I've only just really begun to open up as a person and become more confident with other people as well as my boyfriend. He doesn't like this stating that I am just 'selfish, inconsiderate and uncaring' and I've changed so much to how I used to be and all I do now is 'ruin everything' and I make him so angry and upset. A lot of the time I don't even know what I've done wrong until he points it out to me, I always say sorry for what I've done and try to make it better in some way but it's gotten to the point where he says that 'sorry isn't enough anymore, that he wants me never to have done it in the first place because all I ever do is say sorry to him'.
Whenever he gets angry he doesn't lash out violently but he does shout and swear at me, calling me things that he regrets afterwards and threatening to break up with me, it scares me as I've become afraid to talk to him for fear that any small thing I say wrong will set him off again. He thoroughly believes that it is all my fault that things have gone this badly wrong and has seemingly convinced himself that he is right in what he says to me and how he treats me sometimes, I feel that it is so unfair a lot of the time when he shouts and swears and threatens to leave and all I do is cry and apologise for what I've done.
I know it sounds stupid when I say that I really do still love him, even after everything that we go through at the moment and all the heartache that we both suffer I know that I'd be much sadder without him than with him. I just wish and hope that everything will go back to the way it was when we were so close we were inseparable and we did everything together, he used to be all I could talk about and I used to brag about having him as a boyfriend. I don't want anyone to think that I'm selfish and full of myself, I have always tried to be there for others and put everyone above myself (which is probably a reason why I act the way I do now) but the one thing I really want is for me and him to be okay.
