Quest for Love

I wonder if there is anything called love. What is Love?

It is something that you feel about someone but is it really the feeling or is it just the state of your own mind? I think it is just my own fanstasy irrespective of what is happening around me.

If love is true, pure, sacred as people say it is how can you hate someone you love dearly? How can you feel hurt when they don't do things you wanted them to do? Is it just me or are there more people who think it is nothing but bullshit and we should not let our lives turn because of it.

I always heard lovers saying they can't live without each other. Is it really possible that you can't live without someone or is it just something you want to believe. I think we just want to pretend we are loyal, not like sluts and highly committed in love but in reality we are just lying to ourselves. We agree just confiding our conscience with these lies.

There was a silence in the car when I was with him. There was this uneasiness that I felt. Before I meet I think so much about our date but nothing happens as I fantasise. Am I with the wrong guy? Is there anyone out there who will treat me the way I want to be treated. Are there always someone for everyone who is there soulmate and is perfect. How will I know when I will meet him? Should we just compromise and believe he will change or should I keep looking.

Is this world full of people who keep settling for love or are they really lucky to find someone who makes them happy? I don't know, for me it is just moment of happiness followed by lots of unhappiness.

If in my quest for my mr right, I keep falling for wrong guys will I be slut? Sluts are essentially the girls who keep changing their guys from time to time. Are they sluts who don't settle for wrong people? I now think these women are extremely intelligent and analyzing this market with potential options before giving their heart to someone.

I wonder if it is just my faith in long term relationships that I am with him or is it really something about us that is fantastic. I see people madly in love and do things like mad people. We don't do any such thing. Even after being away for month he doesn't long for me. He doesn't kiss me madly or hug me madly. Why!! Whyy!!
Is it something about me that is wrong or is the whole thing wrong? Is he even the one! Am i visualsing my future with a wrong guy?

I like being cared. I like being noticed. He never notices me. Is it wrong? I love when others notice me and it just reminds me is that he whom I think is my everything doesn't even bother to look that deeply into me. Is it even possible that if someone loves you so much doesn't notice you? Is it like a guy thing? Even if it is how do other guys notice me? Is it because I am not so important to him? He cares for me that I have eaten or not but I feel that is not enough for me. When I think with my brain I think he is perfect because he cares for me, he is there when I really want someone but my heart always wants more. It keeps getting hurt. It says that I want him even without 'needs'. I want to feel good.

When he was coming back from US I kept feeling I will make him food and surprise him at the airport but what happened instead? Alll my fantasies were crushed. Is it always about just one person inthe relationship? I wonder if someone is the boss and other do things the way boss wants. Boss wants to study ou llet then study, boss wants to do mastii and calls you and you have to say yes!. Is giving space to someone and not making them do things they don't like a sign of a weak person. Is it something I always do wrong? I don't know and now everything happening makes me doubt my decisions and acts.

I see poeple holding hands, passionately kissing, talking for hours. Is that just a formality or is it out of deep feelings which is missing in our relationship after 3 years. Do the feelings die in sometime or it just grows? Does the feeling also change? There was a time there was not a day when he would not tell me about what happened in his day but now there is nothing to tell what happened in days. Am I the wrong one here who doesn't understand anything and keep fantasing wrong things? From where I look at things these fantasies are part of me and he should take me for what I am and not what he wants.

Love shouldn't be a compromise. It should be a like a magnet which if kept on correct poles they just attract irrespective of being years old.

I don't know whether my conquest for true love will ever end or not but what I know definitely that my heart will know when things will be right. I will feel happy when my heart will rejoice and that is what I will call true love.